


sink me in the river, at dawn

by JamlessGenius



Series: turn off your mind [1]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Apathy, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Dissociative Identity Disorder, Implied/Referenced Mental Illness, Lies, Making Out, Male-Female Friendship, Media Plays and Scandals, Mind Manipulation, Morally Grey Mr. Park | CEO, Post-Season/Series 01, Scars, Sohee (Lost In Translation) Redemption, Sohee Comes Back, Supernatural Elements, Whump, because I said so, i am not a business pr or advertising person and therefore i do not know what i am doing, introducing fanon to my baseball bat, i’m gonna make you feel conflicted about mr. park, jjolee supremacy, the ceo is once again the absolute worst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 63,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius
Summary: “You know,” he finally answers, smiling at Jun. “I think I’d like to be able to turn some of my emotions off. It’s loud in my head.”“You think?” Jun leans over the counter. “I’d regret doing that, at some point.”“I don’t know,” Jaewon says sadly. “Maybe the benefits would be worth the loss.” And when had he become so accustomed to such a concept? Maybe when he became the loss for the gain.“Maybe,” Jun hums. “Maybe.”
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Junsu, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kim Daehyun, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Nari
Series: turn off your mind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047805
Comments: 50
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

Jaewon sits at the fast food restaurant table, tapping a finger on the waxy tabletop. He’s here for a meeting and he doesn’t even know why. Dongho had asked to speak to him before he went to visit home, and Jaewon really couldn’t have said no. Not that he’d want to, considering that the last time he’d tried to go out with the others it was such a bust. He looks up at the sound of footsteps.

“Sorry I’m late,” Dongho greets, pulling out a chair and ignoring the screech it makes against the floor. “There was traffic.”

“That’s okay, I went ahead and ordered for you too!” He pauses, knowing Dongho is used to more quality fare than… well… this cheap stuff. He looks at Dongho, a silent apology in his words. “I hope fast food is alright. It’s all I could afford-“

“It’s fine,” Dongho cuts off the admission. Something is clearly bothering him. Jaewon is scared to ask what it is. Did he anger him, by chance? What should he do?

He hums in lieu of a response, playing at being placid, letting Dongho take the lead. He is still not quite sure why they’re there in the first place. 

“What time do you need to be at the station?” Dongho checks his watch and Jaewon feels a sudden surge of affection for this hyung who is looking out for him. When was the last time he can recall that? All Dongho knows is that the scandals aren’t real. All he knows is that someone had hunted him like prey- but he’s still being so kind to him. Something in him wonders if that would change if Dongho were to know the truth.

“Three!” He chirps, trying to focus on the silver lining of it all. He’s out to eat with his groupmate, and how long has it been since he’s been able to do that without Wyld’s invisible but inevitable presence weighing him down? Dongho knows he’s not like Wyld, and he may be able to count on his fingers the people who know that about him in Seoul.

“Ah, we have some time then,” Dongho notes.

“Yeah,” he picks up a fry and looks up at Dongho, waiting. Dongho doesn’t say a thing.

Anxiety shakes under his skin. Is Dongho going to tell him what he needed to talk to him about? Dongho watches him, eyes capturing his every move. It makes him nervous but… he’s definitely not scared.

“You don’t have to wait for me. Go ahead and eat,” and gosh, his voice is just as monotonous as it can be. He bites into the french fry, but he can’t taste it. His mind is elsewhere. Did Dongho change his mind about the dorm? Was that why he wanted to talk? Jaewon could respect that. Maybe he’d let him visit Boba when she came back. But… should he broach the topic? 

“Ah- so… What did you-“ he bites his lip nervously- “want to talk about?”

“Oh,” Dongho frowns. “I was waiting for you to be more comfortable before bringing it up.” That… doesn’t sound good. At all. “This has been on my mind for a while now, actually. Do you remember the first time you slept over at my place?”

“Yeah?” He does. Boba the cute cat and Mr. Jeongmin the nice butler. He also remembers the fear shaking his nerves and rattling his heart. But he also remembers the relief that Dongho had believed him. But why was he bringing that up? Was it something that he’d done? Has he offended someone? Dongho looks him in the eye, head on.

“I went to see Mr. Park the next morning to ask about us getting a dorm. So I brought up that you had an incident with a fan invading your privacy,” Dongho explains. Jaewon looks up in surprise. Maybe in another world, he’d be surprised that Park hadn’t done anything. In this one, he’s more surprised that Park hadn’t capitalized on it. That hadn’t become a headline as far as he knows. Why?

“Ah, really? What did he say?” Jaewon asks, already knowing what Mr. Park’s response would be. He would ask if anyone caught a picture. If someone overheard the conversation. What the sasaeng may or may not have posted on Twitter or Instagram. Dongho stares at him, sharp eyes probing. He’s being searched for something, a Freudian slip or something that would say whatever Dongho was expecting to hear. Jaewon doesn’t know if he’s more scared of that something being the whole, real truth or a lie.

“Jaewon. Is there something happening between you and the CEO?” Dongho finally asks. “What’s he doing to you, Jaewon?”

And there it is. The question Jaewon can’t answer. At all.

“Um,” Jaewon frowns, unsure of what to say. He could say anything in the world and Dongho would believe it as his truth. But he knows why it’s a secret, so a secret it must stay. “There’s nothing going on! Why do you think there is-“ Jaewon cuts himself off when he sees the pensive expression on Dongho’s features. He’s getting too close for comfort to the truth. 

“He seemed more concerned about the media finding out about the accident rather than your safety, Jaewon.” He puts a hand on Jaewon’s shoulder. “Whatever’s going on, you can tell us. You know that, right?”

Dongho smiles reassuringly at him and he knows. He knows that he can’t tell them. This is something they can’t ever know. Not now and not when he doesn’t have to make scandals anymore- if a time like that ever actually arrives.

“Thank you. But there really isn’t anything happening! He must have been concerned because I have a long history with the press, right?” He smiles the same plastered on smile he covers all of his ugly emotions with. The faux-joy that nobody cares to look deeper into. “So you don’t need to worry about me, hyung.”

And he knows Dongho is fooled by his fake cheer. He wonders if he wishes Dongho wasn’t fooled by his image of happiness. That’s selfish- and he knows it. He needs to wish that Dongho never finds out. He needs to think and feel in one way, and he still dares to want something else.

The food he’d bought before, excited at the prospect of spending time with Dongho, tastes like ash and guilt in his mouth. But he eats it with a smile.

* * *

Jaewon stares out the window of the train. He misses his mother.

What would she say, though? What would she say about how he’s lied for almost a year, how he’s saved the money she could have used and let it sit? She’s his weakness, he knows. His mother is the last thing Park could possibly use against him to trap him and by not telling the truth he’s leaving it open. He’s leaving it open and what good does it do if he isn’t even with her? Not that his mother should be considered his weakness. He loves her too much to demean her to such a cruel role. And he knows that she loves him. The only person on this earth who does. Something in him bubbles with excitement at the prospect of seeing her.

Dongho is not outside of the train- that would be crazy- but Jaewon can still see his reflection in the shiny windows. That kind smile, warm hand heavy and comforting on his shoulder- he doesn’t ever want to forget those. But... he’d just lied to Dongho, too. And there’s a guilt that toys with his heart. In the end, if he told the truth, would he see any of them by this time next year? If he let go of the lies, would he still be able to hold on to the people that the lies protect?

A piece of him apologizes for it. But it would hurt them. It would break them. He pauses at the stopover, noticing a woman watching him. Goosebumps rise on his skin. He knows how important it is that he’s careful.

He won’t forget the train ride to Daegu after his debut. Never. Does that pervert regret ruining his life? Did he do it on purpose?

He fights the involuntary shudder that the memory brings. He has to fight another one when a woman following him gets far too close for comfort. Is she asleep? Jaewon has no qualms about helping people who need a shoulder to rest on, except that he can’t afford the scandal. And sure enough, the telling snap of a camera makes his heart stop.

It’s a kid. He’s wearing a clean white bucket hat and his face is impassive. And on his phone is a picture that means nothing to him and far more to Jaewon. He turns and leaves.

Jaewon runs after him.

“Wait! Please wait!” Jaewon calls out, darting through crowds and around obstacles.

“Stop following me!” The kid huffs, halfway up a stairway. But Jaewon catches up. And asks him to delete the photo. 

His name is Sungjin, and he deletes the photo when Jaewon offers to pay more than the initial offer. But Sungjin refuses to take any of the money. He said that Jaewon looked scary, before he’d spoken to him. He’d like to blame the red hair and black mask combination for that. And when he asks if Jaewon is an idol, he says no. A piece of him wonders if he wishes that were true. Jaewon finds he isn’t quite sure of anything these days.

He uses the money for a temporary head of black hair instead. He looks in the mirror and for a moment- he’s gone back in time to before Wyld had swallowed Jaewon whole. It’s a bittersweet memory, because he knows those times are never coming back. Here, at least, they can be ignored. 

“Mom!” He grins when she opens the door. “I’m home!” This cheer isn’t fake. 

“Jaewon! Welcome home!” She hugs him tightly. “It’s good to see you again!” And oh- her voice is so happy. Would she still be so happy to see him, knowing about Wyld? Knowing about the lies?

He looks around at the small apartment and wonders if he should have let Sungjin send that photo. But who had asked for it. And why?

He knows why. Jaewon’s own feelings are getting in the way of that.

When she smiles and says “you didn’t change,” guilt stabs him through. He can’t tell her this year either, then. 

He smiles and takes her hand. He just wants her to be happy. And if knowing what he can handle alone would jeopardize that, it’s better not to tell her.

* * *

But things don’t last. His mother begins to act strange. She asks about red hair and when he will debut and something in his gut says time will not stand still for him. But he’s a coward.

He tells the truth in writing because he can’t bear to do it to her face. And seeing the backpack full of envelopes he’s always too afraid to return with the truth, he knows it’s time.

Worry shakes his gut as he leaves. He leaves all the money he never dared spend, all the words he never dared say. All of it that he’s never dared do before and barely dares to even now. He’s almost sick to his stomach with worry.

He can’t do a thing about that feeling, either.

Ahn Jaewon, against the way emotions play with his body, is powerless. He realizes, just how powerless he feels, riding home. As he washes the color from his hair and looks in the mirror and sees tear trails glinting on his skin. He barely has the power to speak to the people who matter to him. Where could he possibly find the power to tell the world? No wonder, then, he’s the one to have become Wyld. His own fear keeps him quiet. And his love makes him suffer in silence. He really, well and truly, is screwed over by his own heart. 

The phone rings, cutting off his spiraling, self-hating reverie. It’s his mother. This is her reply. This is her answer to Wyld, to Jaewon, to the truth. This is her response and it means enough to make his heart beat in his throat. 

She doesn’t say a single word, but he can hear Find A Way being played in the background. And oh-

What a relief.

A drop of water hits the table. He raises a hand to his face and realizes… he’s crying. 

* * *

  
“Jaewon,” Jun greets as he walks through the doors to Coffee Temple. He feels all the weight Wyld and MAYHEM like to leave on his shoulders. Here, Wyld means nothing. Of all the places where he finds his friends, it can’t be within the group he’s given everything up for. And oh, isn’t that disgustingly ironic? 

“Jun!” Jaewon waves, feeling lighter instantly.

“Nari!” The cheerful blonde manager noona pops up, grinning at him. He grins back.

“Hello, Nari noona!”

“Hey, hag,” Jun hisses through his teeth. “Is now the time?”

“Yes,” Nari noona pouts. “I actually came to give you this. As thanks for that time you helped us out.” She's holding a cup of coffee, and Jaewon thinks it’s an americano based on how strong it smells. That’s his normal order, he realizes dumbly. He shakes his head, reaching for his wallet to pay for the drink. 

“It’s nothing, really!” Jaewon insists. 

“I don’t do unpaid labor, Jaewon!” Nari noona huffs. “You did me a serious favor!” Jaewon stares after her as she plunks the coffee cup down and walks away, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder with a loud harrumph. Jun doesn’t say anything about it. 

“Is she always like that?” Jaewon asks, mouth dropped open. Jun laughs, the sound almost harsh. 

“What? Temperamental and weird? Yes.” 

“Kind,” Jaewon decides. “She’s kind.” Aggressively so but… kind.

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Jun rolls his eyes, “Now what is it that has your face drooping like some depressing impressionist painting?” 

Impressionist painting? He fights a loud laugh, knowing what he’s asking. Jaewon stares out the window for a moment, watching people laugh and talk with friends and seem so alright with the world. When had that become something foreign to him? He takes a long sip of his coffee, trying to figure out how to answer.

“I think I’m just… guilty.” Jaewon finally decides to reply. “Until recently… mom didn’t even know-“

“About the scandals? Those don’t even look like you, you know,” Jun says baldly. “And yes, I know about the idol thing. Nari told me.”

His heart speeds up and panic seizes his muscles. He stares at Jun- who he also didn’t tell the truth to. What does he even say to defend himself here? Jun doesn’t look angry, or disappointed. It’s the same grumpy expression as ever but- Jaewon needs to speak. Not gape like a fish out of water. 

“I-“ 

“It’s not even real, is it?” Jun interrupts. “Wyld, greatest playboy! A phony created by some media savvy dick who knows what those tabloids eat with a spoon,” Jun doesn’t look at him. And Jaewon knows why. He’s telling him that it’s okay. But-

It’s not okay. It’s really, really not okay.

“The scandals are… not even remotely true,” Jaewon admits, staring at the swirls of the wooden table. “None of it is.”

“It sounds like it fuckin sucks,” Jun muses, lifting Jaewon’s fallen hood to cover his red hair again. “I wouldn’t wish that shit on anybody.”

“I… I’m willing… to participate in it. Nothing in the universe is free, you know,” Jaewon sighs. “And I wonder if that is a shred of truth in all of it? That I’m there for something. That something from those girls- it’s incriminating pictures of me.” He wonders if those girls would feel used the same way as they would if he had slept with them if they were to know that all they were was a photo op. 

“No.” Jun is firm in his glare. “That doesn’t mean jack shit. Not unless you’re actually sleeping with those girls every other night. Because then there’s a different problem.” 

“I’m not,” he admits. “I don’t- I don’t really like girls that way.”

“Then the scandals aren’t real. You don’t even want to do that shit. Man, I shouldn’t have to rationalize this for you.” Jaewon watches Jun, who, in his gruffness, is one of the kindest people to him. And maybe the most level-headed of those he’d ever met, given the way he artfully dances over Jaewon’s confession.

“I guess I’m just too close to the problem,” he says. And he is. He wishes he was a million miles away from all of it. But Jaewon can’t run away from the world he’s in. In thats sense, he’s trapped. Doomed to hurt like this for a long time with no end in sight.

“What’s that like, anyway?” Jun doesn’t even sound like he cares but Jaewon knows better. That frown on his face gives enough away. Jaewon thinks for a moment. What is it like? It’s like you’re constantly doing what you know is the right decision even while it hurts you and your own heart gets in the way. It’s like reality is at war with his emotions and he wishes it would all just… stop.

“You know,” he finally answers, smiling at Jun. “I think I’d like to be able to turn some of my emotions off. It’s loud in my head.”

“You think?” Jun leans over the counter. “I’d regret doing that, at some point.”

“I don’t know,” Jaewon says sadly. “Maybe the benefits would be worth the loss.” And when had he become so accustomed to such a concept? Maybe when he became the loss for the gain. “Maybe,” Jun hums. “Maybe.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jaewon stares down at the black rectangle on his pillow.

The offending black rectangle doesn’t move, almost mocking in its inanimateness. It just sits there, innocent as you please, black color a stark contrast against the white fabric of his pillow. And Jaewon is still scared of it.

He had come home to find that there is a box of some kind on his bed. He hadn’t ordered any packages, and he’s pretty sure the members hadn’t ordered this for him either. At least, there would normally be a note of some kind if someone were to do something like this? Right?

He picks it up. 

It’s a pretty small box, around the size of his palm and glossy black in color. On the box are eighteen switches. They kind of look like the toggle light switches he’s seen on walls in American television shows and movies. Aren’t they supposed to make a little click when they’re moved? He thinks they do in movies, but he isn’t completely sure if that’s just a sound affect. 

He runs a finger over it, unsure whether it is the box that shudders or if it’s him. In a slanted, small hangul, the names of emotions are carved into the switches. All of the switches are positioned up, saying they’re on. 

It looks like a device out of a cartoon. A part of him wonders where the bright red self-destruct button is. And then almost promptly looks around for brightly colored animals in fedoras. What? He can crack himself up sometimes. That sometimes being when he is alone, and safe from the possibility of people discovering the person under the mask. 

There is scrap of soft, yellow paper wrapped tightly around the box. Gingerly, he unwinds the long strip of paper and looks at it. The paper is an unsigned note, written in a smooth, sharp script. The same one as the carvings on the toggle switches on the box. Whoever gave this to him either has a very nice printer, or they made the box in the first place. And if that’s the case, then they aren’t scared of being caught, either. That’s… not a comforting thought. 

“ _Your wish has been granted. No need to thank me for the service. Be careful to use this gift well- things aren’t as reversible as they seem_ ,” Jaewon reads slowly, staring at the deep purple ink that glints like it is still wet. He runs a finger over it to be sure, and it’s dry. It doesn’t look real. Especially with the message scrawled on it, indents making it pretty clear that it was handwritten. Someone went to this trouble to give this to him? For a wish? What wish? He wishes for a lot of things that don’t come even close to true. 

He mentally backtracks through his day. What had he even said to make someone presume that he has a wish for them to grant? He turns it over and the box smells almost like the suggestion of espresso. The Coffee Temple? His favorite coffee place? When had he said anything regarding a wish inside of Coffee Temple to someo- oh.

He’d told Jun that he wished to turn off his emotions. Had someone overheard him? If they had, that means they know where he lives- where the others live. They now have access to the address of MAYHEM’s dorm. They now have to where they sleep and bathe and eat. They could hurt the members. His breathing hitches at the realization.

Oh no. 

Has he really just ruined their new dorm for the others? What happens if another sasaeng fan like Sohee shows up? What happens if it’s not a knife, but something more dangerous, like a gun or a bomb, that time? What if they tamper with their food? What if they learn that Jaewon has never really been the same kind of person as Wyld? The what if’s begin to pile up faster and faster as he realizes that he might have put the others in serious, life- or at least career- threatening danger. And isn’t that all he’s been trying to avoid? He’s so scared that his hands are shaking against his sides. What does he do? 

He doesn’t know who it is that has their dorm address. Or who that person would be willing to give it to. 

Biting his lip, he runs a finger over the surface of the box, trying to distract himself from the wave of stabbing guilt. The box feels like glass under his fingertips. He’s almost scared to press down for fear of shattering the smooth surface. Ah, this box, it truly is quite pretty, isn’t it? A little device holding the silent promise to turn off his feelings and quiet the war in his head. Now that the choice is his, does he make it? 

He’s a little mesmerized by the obsidian surface. It’s like it swallows all the light in the room and shines it back as its own. 

_“I’d regret it,”_ Jun had said. Jaewon had said otherwise. Can't it be said that emotions make us human? Can't it be argued, in turn, that being human is to suffer? Jaewon is afraid. So afraid of being anything more other, given the way outsider drips from his bones and settles on his skin. This box...device...thing is probably a mere toy, but it strikes a fear into his heart for what it offers. Does he dare take the offer? He’s at a crossroads, here, and he can’t see that far down either path. For all Minsoo is the one their Mayniacs call the most impulsive member, Jaewon is the one who makes a lot of reckless decisions. A bitter amusement says that maybe one day he’ll take the title.

He spies the curved script for ‘lust’ beside the strokes for ‘anger,’ Jaewon hasn't felt those in years, but it can't hurt to test it with those.

He flicks the switches and- nothing happens. He isn’t going to know unless he shuts off something he does feel. His eyes land on the ones that read ‘sadness’ and ‘loneliness.’ Feeling a little braver, he flicks them off. That, he should be able to notice if it does change. How can one not notice the absence of the feeling that tightens his chest and freezes his skin every single day? His nail makes a clicking sound against the switches as they move to the other side. He lets out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. 

He waits for a moment. Nothing happens. Must be a dud. Though, he probably should have been a little more skeptical of a product that turns off emotions- if that’s even what it’s for. Though, what else would it be for? A social experiment? A prank where the members or their fans saw which emotions they want to get rid of? He looks around for a hidden camera, and he can’t seem to find one. His eyes trail back to the box.

What was he actually expecting to happen? Fireworks and some pretty golden light? Oddly enough, the absence of a reaction doesn’t disappoint him. If anything, he finds it at least a little funny. 

My, he really is in a good mood today. He figures he’ll ride the wave before the pain returns. 

He also figures that he should get some sleep. He sounds almost melodramatic.

In fact, he finds that he’s rather tired. It’s not late but maybe he should get ready for bed. He folds the paper and places it under the box, handing it carefully. He pauses and frowns at it. It’s probably best not to leave it out in the open, is it? 

He slides the box under the bed, just to be safe. Secrets are easy to hide if no one knows there is one, he mentally singsongs. 

He slips off his socks, careful to avoid the marks on his left leg that-

Well he can’t recall not having them. The burning at sign and dot on his ankle, the frozen cat shaped mark and octothorpe on his shin. He doesn’t know how they ever became so perfectly shaped, but it amuses him a little. Not remembering where they’re from doesn’t change that they’re a part of him.

The red puddles from his bleeding hair dye don’t bother him, they haven’t for a long time. In fact, the bloodlike red dripping down his arm amuses him. His mother would hate the upkeep the constant red hair takes. She’d probably dip her hands in the red water and splash herself to give hima a good fright. Gosh,. He hasn’t even been gone for a day and he already wants to climb back in her lap like he did when he was a kid. He smiles at the memory, before remembering that he couldn’t use all the hot water and the long heat is bad for the red dye. He remembers the stylist noona telling him that they’d go back to natural if he kept mistreating his hair. So of course, Jaewon kept mistreating his hair. It’s just a little hot water and it’s not like the dye bleeds all the time. Though he might want to get it touched up soon. 

The blood red really doesn’t suit him. Maybe he should ask to switch colors sometime, it’s not like he needs to feel punished for what he does every time he looks into the mirror. He thinks he’d probably like a bright blue, maybe something like the members of SA1NT have. A brown or a pale pink or blue. Or maybe his natural black. He thinks he looks cutest with black hair! And he wouldn’t have to be so careful in the shower. What a bonus.

He picks up the toy, planning to put it away, when his finger slips and a click startles him. Oh, he’d missed the edge of the box. ‘Humor,’ was flipped down. Oh, when had he turned that one off?

It’s not really that funny, but something in him says that Minsoo would find it hilarious. Something, a little louder, tells him that he shouldn’t bug the others with such trivial matters.

He finds himself listening to the second voice. 

He’s startled from his reverie by a loud cheer. Daehyun is laughing, and Jaewon can almost picture the beam on his face. 

“Yeah! Come on!” Daehyun’s voice cheers from the other room. And that must mean that the others are back. What’s going on? 

He pads into the general area and is greeted by the sight of Daehyun gleefully egging Minsoo on. It’s probably some kind of stupid bet, he muses. They look so happy together. He finds it doesn’t hurt the way it used to, that indescribable ice that runs fingers up his shoulders in a way that he doesn’t know how to name. Rather, a rush of fondness takes its place. His members are so strange and silly. Jaewon really loves them, the psychos that they are. Jaewon grins, they’re so happy and that really is all it takes to make him feel bubbles of golden warmth in his chest.

“You can do it, hyung!” Daehyun cheers, watching Minsoo attempt to stand on his tippy toes on a ball on top of a stepstool. Dongho is recording, waiting for Minsoo to fall. Numerous beads of sweat are tracing down Minsoo’s temple and Jaewon thinks that he’s holding his breath. But sure enough, he’s staying scarily stable up there. Main dancer kinda talent, he guesses. 

“I’m impressed, I guess it’s because you’re so small your weight can’t affect the ball,” Dongho teases. Minsoo whirls to face him, a retort on his lips. But the movement makes him lose his balance.

“Shit!” Minsoo topples over with a curse and falls to the floor, hand landing around Jaewon’s ankle. He feels the sting where Minsoo’s fingernails land, but he’s more concerned about the elder member. He’d almost hit his head! How did the others let him do this? He scans Minsoo’s body, but he’s not bleeding and he’s wiggling around just fine. He doesn’t think Minsoo broke anything.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jaewon asks, just to be sure. Minsoo sighs.

“Peachy keen,” he grumbles in reply. His response sends Daehyun and Dongho into fits of laughter. Jaewon thinks Daehyun might be actually wheezing.

He’s not laughing, though. He’s just standing there, and he’s not laughing. Did- 

Oh. He knows that humor was switched off. Is it possible that the device works?

His longtime friend anxiety ramps all the way up to utter panic. He’s turned off his own emotions.

He’s done that. It was his decision, and he doesn’t regret it. Being honest, there’s a stab of fear at what he might have done. Giddy excitement at a chance of not having to suffer in silence but not having to be loud takes its place.

Jaewon is acutely aware of how strange he looks, not laughing. He pulls up his leg to inspect his sweatpants. Sure enough, there’s a rip in the elastic bottom of the left leg. Oh, well. He can still use them. 

“Oh,” Minsoo frowns at his leg from where he’s still lying on the floor. “Since when have you had those marks?” He’s staring at the little scars on the bottom of his leg, each of them with a story lost to time. The octothorpe and the cat frozen in him, the little at sign and dot scorched into his skin, the bump of the weird splotch that looks almost like a bandage.

“The whole time, hyung. You hadn’t noticed?” Jaewon blinks at him. Minsoo only frowns, running a hand over the marks. 

“They’re so… perfectly shaped,” Minsoo marvels. “That one looks like a cat! And those look like a hashtag and an at sign!” Jaewon shrugs. 

“I can’t remember ever not having them,” he tells them. Minsoo gives him a sidelong glance, and then drops the subject, showing off how long he’d managed to stay upright. It was for a long time, Jaewon owes that respect where it’s due. He’s not sure why Daehyun found it funny or why Minsoo agreed. 

He’s actually quite uncomfortable. The awkwardness in the room ramps up a tension not previously there. His awkwardness is ruining this. It could have been a moment where they learned something cool about him and MAYHEM got closer. That’s not what happens.

Instead, they stand there, weighed down by their own silence.

He could solve the problem on his end. Easily. With the flick of a switch. 

But does he actually dare to?

He thinks about it, really. He’s just turned off a couple of the switches- and they work, strangely enough. He shouldn’t do something he could regret later.

An impulsive part of him responds with a laugh, saying that he could shut off all the emotions and not have to regret any of it. 

Should he? He wouldn’t have to deal with any of his own problematic awkwardness messing things up for him. But then- neither would MAYHEM. They would probably get along so much better than they do now if Jaewon wasn’t so socially clumsy. They all seem so good at it, and it shows when they’re so easy around each other.He feels a small pang of envy, watching them. He’d like to be that sociable too. Jaewon leaves, fading into the background as the others begin to talk without him. He doesn’t look back as he heads back to his and Daehyun’s shared room.

If he’s feeling okay, maybe it is worth it. Everything has been so good for him. The weight that sat on his chest is lightened enough so he could finally breathe. It’s not a bad decision. He pulls the black device out from under his bed. Running a finger over the smooth grooves of ‘awkwardness,’ he looks at the quick and ending solution to his problem. Ne pushes the switch down, shutting it off. A bunch of footsteps sends him scrambling to hide the device in his sock drawer. He doesn’t want to explain what he’s doing and feel like a fool. 

“Hiya, hyung, how are you feeling?

“I’m alright,” he blinks, confused. “Why do you ask?”

“Ah, I was just worried about your foot. Did Minsoo hyung scratch you badly?” Daehyun looks so concerned that Jaewon laughs to calm him. He never wants the others to worry about him, because as soon as they dig, they’re gonna find something he doesn’t want them to see. So he knows that it’s selfish to want that. There’s a spark of delight that it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge the truth anymore. 

“No, no. Hyung didn’t hurt me.” And he hadn’t. Jaewon didn’t have to lie about his, there. It was just a scratch. No big deal! Daehyun gives him a long look.

“You know, I never knew that you had scars on your leg, hyung,” their makane says innocently. There is clearly something that Daehyun wants to ask him but isn’t. Is Dae trying to get closer to him?

“You want to see the scars on my left leg? I’ll show them to you if you ask,” Jaewon tells him. And he would. It’s a little strange, honestly, that they hadn’t noticed the scars on his legs. It’s not like he covers them. 

“Okay, I might just hold you to that. Good night, hyung,” Daehyun yawns, rubbing his eyes. Jaewon smiles at him.

“Good night, Daehyunah,” he bids. 

He runs a finger over the camera-shaped scar on his foot. The lines are almost perfect. A cut scar. He wonders what little Jaewon had hit himself against to cut so deeply. What a morbidly pretty patchwork of scars so old that he can’t seem to remember where they’re from. For a fraction of a second, he wonders why he can’t remember them.

Jaewon isn’t one to forget things, truth be told. How weird.


	3. Chapter 3

He feels light as air as he heads to Coffee Temple. There’s nothing that can get him down at this point. The warm cafe is cozy and it smells of the same rich caffeine elixir as it always does. It hasn't changed. Almost by instinct, he takes in a deep breath, appreciating the sharply bitter smell of coffee intertwined with something more sugary. He spots two familiar faces by the counter and waves, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Hello, Jun! Hello, Nari noona!”

“Ah! Jaewonnie! Hi!” The blonde manager cheers. It’s a nice feeling, to feel wanted. He heads over to her and joins her. The atmosphere is a little different. He can’t tell if it’s brighter, tenser, or if it’s both. He watches the way Nari noona speaks. Something is off, even if the cafe itself hasn’t changed.

“Medium Americano?” Jun asks briskly, and Jaewon nods, wallet in hand.

“Yes, please!” Jun gets to work and he looks around, taking everything in. 

“Here,” Jun slides the drink across. Jaewon catches it.

“Thanks, Jun!”

Jun answers with a nod and heads for the register to help someone else. Jaewon looks at Nari noona.

“So… what’s going on around here?” 

“Hmm… well… what _is_ new? Oh! I almost forgot! We have a new hire! It’s so nice to have a fresh face around here,” Nari noona hums with satisfaction. Jaewon grins. It sounds like a good change, then.

“Really?”

“And this is the best part,” she giggles. “He really can’t stand Jun! Finally! There is _someone_ on my side!”

“Aren’t there other baristas?” Jaewon blinks, sipping his Americano. He may have only seen Jun, but no coffeeshop can work with one barista and one head manager. Nari noona pouts and nods.

“There’s three. And nobody has taken a side til Taehyukkie! Eunhyung and Chunyoung are students and they’re half dead for their shifts. Sungmin just plain refuses to get involved,” Nari noona whines, draping herself on the counter. “And his boyfriend, Jiho, just laughs at me if I ask!” Jaewon nods, mulling over the name before pausing, confused.

“Does um… this Jiho guy work here too?”

“No, but he comes to spend time with Sungmin while he’s on shifts,” Jun grumbles. “Sits here for hours without ordering to talk to Sungmin.”

“Oh,” Jaewon hums with understanding. “That’s so cute of him!”

“He’s just a nuisance,” Jun sighs, wiping down the counter.

“You just don’t like him because he figured out that you’re a bottom in two minutes,” Nari noona snickers. Jun chokes, sputtering a rebuttal. A bottom? Jun? How did they even get to that?

“What?”

“He took one look at Jun, figured out that he’s gay, and asked him out to test. Jun denied Jiho’s attempt at asking him out so he deemed him a bottom,” Nari noona giggles. “Jiho flirts with people to get a better read sometimes— don’t ask why, I don’t know.”

Jaewon feels a little stunned. He’s not quite sure how to hold this discussion, but poor ol’Jun is flushed pink and Jaewon kind of pities him. Nari noona really shouldn’t find that kind of embarrassment funny.

“He’s just not my type,” Jun insists. A friendly looking guy around his height, the name Taehyuk in clean Hangul on his name tag looks up from where he’s mopping a spill. He has dyed brown hair and a bright grin. 

“So what kind of person is your type, then?”

“Shut up.”

Taehyuk ignores Jun, opting to turn to him and wave.

“Hi! Nice to meet you! I’m Taehyuk!” He beams, waving back with cheer.

“I’m Jaewon! Nice to meet you, too!”

“You’re friends with this ol grump? What’s your secret? Meth? Blackmail? Are you secretly a mafia leader or kingpin or something?” Taehyuk is clearly trying to provoke Jun, but it looks like it’s in jest? Jun doesn’t seem to think so.

“I’m giving you five seconds to leave before I rip all your hair out,” Jun growls at Taehyuk. “And then I will yank out your fingernails. And then I’ll start on your teeth. How does that sound?”

“I’m going! I’m going! Jeez!” Taehyuk pauses and takes a look at his hand and frowns slightly. Did he get burnt? But then he just goes about his business. 

“Wait… Juuuuunnnnnn… What is your type, then? The people want to know!” Nari noona looks at him and Jun rolls his eyes.

“That is not any of your business,” he grits out. “At all.”

“Please, Jun?” Jaewon tries. Jun sighs, caving after three requests. 

“Fine. I guess… someone who gives as good as he gets. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak his mind and stand up for what he believes in.”

“You like the stubborn bratty boys, then?” A new voice chimes in. Jaewon looks over his shoulder to see a guy around his height with icy blonde hair streaked with lavender, he has big eyes rimmed with glittery eyeliner. “Yikes. I _don’t_ want to know what’s in your search history. Sounds madly kinky. Wait— maybe I do. Might be fun.” 

“Jiho!” Nari noona cheers. Jiho is wearing a bright pink sweater and a black skater skirt. And he’s paying exactly zero heed to the stares. Jaewon admires that natural confidence. He wonders if Jiho built that up or he was born like that. 

Jiho’s eye trace up and down Jaewon’s face. He doesn’t say anything, but Jaewon catches a split second of worry.

“Huh, a blank verdict,” the man muses. “Maybe I’m losing my touch.” Jaewon stares.

“What?”

“Hi! I’m Jiho!” The man greets suddenly, a grin promising mischief. “Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Jaewon,” he greets, bowing slightly. “It’s nice to meet you too!” Jiho’s eyes glitter with recognition. 

“As in Wyld? From MAYHEM?”

Is it really the first time someone recognized him all day? It’s refreshing. But now he needs to deal with… well… this. It’s his time off, he can be Jaewon with no Wyld attached. He’s too tired to act too much. 

“Ah-“

“ _Babe_ ! I absolutely love, love, _love_ your makeup that I see in the candid shots of you! Do you do it for yourself all the time? Like… do you have a stylist on call or are you just that good?” Jiho almost jumps over the counter to inspect his eyeliner. That’s- not the kind of reaction that he was expecting. Actually, he might like this kind of response a lot better. A giddy laugh carves its way out of his chest. This is nice. It’s so, so much better than what he’s expected. 

“Ah, I wouldn’t say I’m that good. But… when I’m not onstage or filming for something, I do my own makeup, yeah,” he answers. Jiho lets out a low whistle.

“If I had more time I’d be demanding a full list of products because _damn_ is that a nice eyeshadow color,” Jiho grins. “But I’m actually here as a customer— I know, I know— for once.”

“Hah! Are there pigs flying out there somewhere?” Jun snarks, and Nari noona cackles. It takes him a moment to realize that they’re just playing around with each other. He laughs to fit in with the mood. 

“Pipe down, you singles,” Jiho huffs. “If you must know, I’ve been working with Rosie on that one drama all night! So many of the scenes are shot at night! I’m tired,” he whines. Oh! So this Rosie and Jiho are artists of some kind! Cool! 

“What’s that drama that you’re working on called?” He asks it so earnestly that Jiho looks a little surprised. 

“Ah- the drama? It’s called Honey Lemon, and it’s supposed to air the pilot episode soon! I think it airs… next month?”

“Ooh, that is soon,” Jaewon gasps. “Have all the episodes been shot yet?”

“The last scenes are finally being shot today,” Jiho tells him. “Make sure you watch it when it comes out! We’ve all worked hard on it!” Jaewon nods.

“I’m sure you all did! If music video shoots are so much work for a couple of minutes, how much effort must be put into a drama with lots of long episodes? Of course I’ll keep an eye out!”

“I can’t wait,” Nari noona sighs. “I’ve never gotten to see you work together with Ro! The makeup is going to be _so_ cool.”

“Well, it’s _Jangmi_ when we need to be professional,” Jiho wrinkles his nose. “But I call her Ro just to be a rebel.”

He keeps a mentally tally of the nicknames. Uh… Ro, Rose, Rosie, and Jangmi are the same person, right? He hopes he’s not mixing up the names of people that he hasn’t even met yet. 

“Why of course you do,” Jun rolls his eyes. “I’m not even going to pretend to be surprised, here.” Jiho sticks out his tongue at him, making Nari noona shake her head and sigh with amusement. 

“These two, really…” she trails off with a chuckle. “You know, her friend recently started working here,” Nari noona tilts her head towards Taehyuk. Jiho’s eyes glint with curiosity as he pins the new hire under a probing gaze. Taehyuk stiffens the moment he realizes he’s being watched and awkwardly sets aside the mop.

“You,” Jiho purrs, striding up to Taehyuk. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“I didn’t throw it,” Taehyuk frowns. The annoyance fades into a grin when Jiho laughs, light and airy.

“Oh I _like_ this one. So you’re Taehyuk, huh?” Jiho grins, sharklike. “The gay demi vibes are visceral, boo. Boom! Still got it!” Taehyuk gapes at him, jaw dropped.

“How did you know that I’m-”

“Do you want your usual order?” Jun interrupts, eyebrow twitching with agitation, pulling out a cup. Jiho winks.

“You know me so well!” Nari noona laughs, watching Jiho and Jun do something in between banter and barbed words. Jiho flounces out of the shop, coffee in hand and Jun rolls his eyes.

“That's Jiho alright,” Nari noona laughs. Taehyuk shakes his head, amazed. 

“You’d think he has some sort of supernatural eyesight or something equally absurd.” 

Jaewon turns to Nari noona, already caught in the whirlwind of Coffee Temple life. It all moves in its own ways, and this little pocket of the universe is almost a sanctuary to him. 

“So how has business been around here today?” 

“Ah! It’s so blissfully slow today!” Nari noona says, stretching out like a pleased cat. Jaewon grins at her.

“What do you do on slow days?”

“People-watching!” Taehyuk and Nari noona chorus. Jaewon smiles fondly. 

“You people-watch?”

“All the time! We know all the gossip about our regulars!” Taehyuk insists. Okay, that actually piques his interest. How much can one discern by watching them? 

“Really?”

“That’s a schoolteacher with a crush on the principal,” Jun interrupts, pointing to a tall woman with her dark hair pulled into a cheery ponytail. She’s grading papers with a barely-touched mug of what he thinks is tea at her side. Nari noona grins.

“Oh, her. I’ve seen the principal guy you’re referring to. They’ve met in the shop to discuss students before.”

“Do you think he likes her back?” Taehyuk asks, gazing intently at the woman.

“I dunno, but what I do know is that I don’t blame her for the crush. He’s _super_ hot!”

“And that automatically puts him _super out of your league,_ hag,” Jun sneers. Nari noona slaps him with a dirty dishrag. Taehyuk snorts with laughter at the sight. 

“Ugh,” she groans. “A hot face and a terrible personality! I want a refund! I didn’t expect this shit when I hired you!” Jaewon smiles, trying to break the tension. Jaewon sees two girls, one with long purple hair and another with a short brown bob.

“Who are those girls?” He watches the one with longer hair fall over laughing as the brown bob girl does a silly impression of awful aegyo she had to witness at her job. It’s still better than the stuff idols are expected to do at times. He’s lost count of the number of times Daehyun’s had to do the same old song for fans at fansigns. But they’d all do them a million times for their fans— oh that’s a whole new level of cheesy in his train of thought. But not necessarily untrue. Nari noona and Taehyuk follow his gaze to the laughing girls and sigh in unison with amused head shakes.

“By the window? That’s Dan-i and Yeoryeong,” Taehyuk laughs. Jaewon watches them. They’re so comfortable around each other, it’s a lovely sight to see. He wants something like that, someday. It’s a goal, he sees, in a shining future. Small issue, he doesn’t know when it’ll come. Or if it will. But if he works hard enough, it can, right? He is almost fixated on the atmosphere around them, it makes anyone want to smile.

“Best friends?” He doesn’t even realize he’s asked the question until he’s already said it. 

“Yeah,” Nari noona hums. “I think since childhood. They were roommates in college and they’re roommates now.” 

He watches them smiling and laughing and wonders if he’ll ever get to do that with MAYHEM. He hopes so. Trying to distract himself, Jaewon points to a large, muscular man. He’s a little imposing, but he seems more tired than anything else.

“What about that guy over there?” Nari noona follows his gaze and laughs.

“The one with the giant mug of coffee? That, my friend, is Joo-in!”

“Joo-in?”

“Busy guy, Joo-in is,” Nari noona shakes her head in something like amazement. And Jaewon? He’s still a little lost.

“Busy?” 

“He has a job as a security guard by day, and a bouncer by night. He drinks a lot of coffee,” Jun fills in.

“That doesn’t sound very healthy,” Jaewon frowns. “I work odd hours and it’s never a good time. I can’t imagine doing that every single day.”

“He’s working extra to buy his girlfriend a fancy proposal and wedding,” Nari noona gushes. “Isn’t that sweet?”

“Oh! That’s so nice of him! You have some nice customers!” Nari noona looks around and her eyes land on two girls. Her face falls.

“And that girl over there? The one with the pink laptop? That’s Jisoo, see her friend Jihye? Next to her, in the blue shirt? They’re college students at a really competitive university. Jisoo’s been sleeping with their male classmate to keep him from trying to sleep with Jihye. He has enough information to blackmail Jihye and ruin her chances, so Jisoo stepped in,” Nari noona says, eyes pitying. Jaewon gasps.

“Oh- Jihye must feel awful!”

“She doesn’t know,” Jun states. 

“She doesn’t know?” Jaewon watches them laughing together and figures that it makes sense. How could she laugh and smile like that if she knew? Some things are hidden from friends to keep things as they are. 

“Jisoo’s been keeping it quiet because she thinks it would break Jihye’s heart. The worst thing of all? Jihye thinks that Jisoo keeps ditching her for no reason. She thinks Jisoo doesn’t even like her that much anymore. She’s confessed to me that she’s scared of losing their friendship as it is. She doesn’t realize what Jisoo is doing for her goes beyond that. Because she doesn’t know what she’s been doing. At this rate, Jihye’s gonna get mad at her at some point. And Jisoo is still keeping it a secret. What can I even say to that at this point?” Taehyuk sighs sadly. “I’ve been giving Jisoo free stuff because I don’t know how else to help her. That poor, poor girl.”

“Poor Jisoo,” Jaewon murmurs. “Suffering in silence like that. People never notice what she’s hiding?”

“Pretty faces hide so much pain,” Jun says, shaking his head. Nari noona frowns at him.

“You think?”

“Haven’t you heard that old Chinese saying? Beauties lead the worst lives,” Jun says it so dully that it makes Jaewon almost feel ashamed. Taehyuk leers at Jun.

“Ooh, you know old Chinese sayings, Junnie?”

“Die in a hole, Taehyukkie,” Jun sneers. “The point remains. When you’re pretty? It’s use or be used. Our old pal Jisoo over there is doing both.”

“And you would know about a life of being pretty, wouldn’t you, Junnie Pie?” Nari noona mocks. Jun rolls his eyes.

“A fair bit more than you, of all people, can say,” Jun deadpans. Taehyuk covers a laugh with a loud, hacking cough. Jaewon just watches. This is par for the course with these two, it seems. 

“JUN!”

Jaewon’s previous good mood is shattered by something that might be pity or guilt or both. He and Jisoo aren’t all too different, are they? He watches Jihye and Jisoo and frowns. The others managed to discern so much from the outside looking in that it almost feels like a miracle that MAYHEM haven’t noticed very much until now. Dongho, the farthest removed from him, was the first one to suspect a thing. Jaewon has to wonder, how much of that is distance on Jun, Nari noona, and Taehyuk’s end? And how much of it… isn’t? How much do people closer to it all delude themselves with unrelated details? How is it so much easier to cover these things to the people closest to you? Their Mayniacs see a highly curated image, he can’t hold anything against them. But his members? Did they really… never notice? Or did they not want to? Looking at it objectively, now, he has to wonder what that says about this whole Wyld situation. Would they turn a blind eye? Then again, isn’t that what he wants?

“I wonder, do people only see the surface level smile and knowingly fool themselves into saying that everything is fine?”

Nari noona, Taehyuk, and Jun give each other a look, like they think he can’t see them. It’s silent for a moment.

“I wonder, maybe you’re right,” Nari noona says, voice suddenly a lot graver. Jaewon looks out the window at the cloudy sky and sighs.

“Maybe,” he says. “Maybe.”


	4. Chapter 4

The sunshine does not love him. He is someone who bends and twists the understanding and perception of others, a mirror that light jumps away from the touch of. How else can he explain the way nobody sees him correctly? 

Jaewon is someone wrapped up in expectations. And those expectations are placed on someone other than him. He’s not some perfect image, he’s not the one-dimensional “him” that everyone thinks they see. The one-dimensional “him” isn’t even what they think they see— it’s what they want to see. And isn’t that even worse?

Maybe they want Wyld, who they know and recognize. Maybe it’s Wonnie, some idea of a soft and perfect person under the shell that’s oh so clearly waiting to be seen. He’s Ahn Jaewon. And he isn’t either of those things. Nobody wants Ahn Jaewon. They want a piece of him that may or may not even exist. 

Some days, he wants to just…. turn into one of them. Be it Wyld or Wonnie. It hurts less to be seen even if he’s changed to fit what they already claim to see. He wouldn’t need to be misread. Nowadays, he can change himself. But he can’t just be reckless with such a power. One impulsive move and he might never feel love or happiness again. 

He frowns at his sock drawer, the black device hidden in there. He’s not a real actor- and even then, he doesn’t think actors need to keep the mask on behind the scenes. Jaewon would probably be a good actor. He’s good at pretending. That he’s fine. That nothing is going on. He’s good at lying. Would it hurt to truly become his character? The Wyld or the Wonnie underneath? Ah, he doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t want to be Wyld. He doesn’t think he wants to be Wonnie, either.

The ‘fear’ and ‘envy,’ switches are noticeable on the box. They’re surrounded by flicked-off switches. They stand like a final stronghold to conquer. He flips the switches off with a click and puts the device back.

He bumps into the table, his pant leg rubbing oddly against the burn scars on his calf. He doesn’t know why he’d managed to burn himself in the shape of a bird and a microphone. What kind of weird hot irons was little Jaewon playing with?

Shaking his head, he shuts the drawer and heads off to join the others.

“Hey-“ he gets cut off by Daehyun leaping into his chest. He stumbles backwards with a loud ‘oof.’ 

“Ah! Dongho hyung is so cold to me!” Daehyun whines into his shoulder. He pats Daehyun’s head. He wonders if someone has turned Dongho into what Daehyun claims he is. He recognized far too much too quickly. Why? 

“Hearts are like bread dough,” Jaewon muses. “The longer you play with them, the harder they become.”

Had someone hurt Dongho? Jaewon will be here for him, if he ever needs to talk about it.

“What?” Daehyun stares at him, confused. He grins.

“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘once burned twice shy,’ Daehyunah?”

“I see,” Daehyun giggles. “So that’s your theory? That hyung has a dark and mysterious past?”

“Yeah,” Jaewon shrugs. “We’ll be there for him if he needs to talk about it. I think he’s fine now.”

“So, you’re kissing up to Jaewon?” Minsoo teases, walking over to them. “How naughty! Bad makane! Bad! Don’t you know that Dongho is your benefactor?” 

“Benefactor?” They both blink, staring at Minsoo.

“Dongho got Mr. Park to get us all a dorm, you know,” the silver-haired leader laughs. “You didn’t know, maknae line?” Dongho chooses that moment to enter the room. 

“He did?” Daehyun looks around their dorm. “It wasn’t the company’s decision?”

“Yeah! All of this? From Dongho,” Minsoo tells him. 

“Did you know about that, Jaewon hyung? Was I the only one who didn’t know?” Daehyun looks at him, eyes like those of a baby chick. He really doesn’t want him to be sad-

“He did, he was the first to know,” Dongho answers before Jaewon can lie about it. He wishes he doesn’t feel so guilty for what he was about to do. Minsoo gapes.

“You did? Why?”

“Jaewon didn’t tell you about this? He had a sasaeng. Remember that picture of him sleeping that went viral?” And Dongho says it so flippantly, like he doesn’t realize what careful balance he’s just upended. Because he doesn’t understand what careful balance he’s just upended. Minsoo and Daehyun turn to him, eyes wide.

“You didn’t tell us?” 

“What?! Did they try to hurt you?! Did they threaten you? Did the sasaeng get into your house?!”

“Um… no? I was fine! She didn’t even get close to me!” Jaewon reassures. He doesn’t want them to worry. He knows it’s a lie. He also knows that they shouldn’t know, it would hurt them. Anything that gets too close to lifting the facade is dangerous. It could hurt them. “I was perfectly fine and Dongho hyung noticed something that I didn’t and he got HCE involved!” He turns to Dongho. “Thanks again for that, hyung.” 

“Really?” Daehyun asks, worry subsiding. Dongho’s brow furrows and he looks like he’s about to refute Jaewon’s lie. So he steps in to push it further.

“Really! It didn’t even affect me that much. I was only scared after I heard about it,” Jaewon giggles, a perfect picture of okay. Because, really, he is okay. Sohee isn’t going to come back, and he let her go. He just feels awful that she fell in love with a fake image. And wasn’t that just what Mr. Park had wanted? To make their poor, unknowing fans feel like they could be the lucky one to tie down the notorious playboy that doesn’t even exist? It’s not a good feeling, to know he’s a part of that lie. It’s a ugly feeling, almost slimy in his throat, that they support him and he can’t be honest. 

Dongho frowns slightly, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, Jaewon?” Dongho steps away from the others, creating a space for a more quiet conversation.

“Sure,” he says, joining Dongho on the side.

“You lied to them,” he says. There is no accusation in his tone. Jaewon sighs.

“Innocence is bliss,” he tells Dongho. “If all I have to do is withhold a little bit, it’s okay.”

“That was not withholding information, that was just an explicit lie,” Dongho says flatly. “You just lied, Jaewon. Blatantly.” Jaewon shakes his head, Dongho understands a lot, but he has Jaewon under the wrong category. He too sees someone who has never really existed when they speak. He believes in the existence of Wonnie. Of some soft child hiding under a shell. Jaewon is soft, but he is not pure or innocent. He is not a child. He knows what the choices that he’s made are. 

He’s like a stick of incense, burning away and creating a beautiful ghost. His mother used to tell him that Buddists said they were a lesson. That you need to sacrifice yourself. Jaewon can do that.

“I can bear the weight of that particular sin if it means that they can be happy.” Minsoo and Daehyun are chatting about something else and they look so happy. What kind of person would ruin that? The older they get, the more fragile that kind of happiness becomes. Of course Jaewon wants to preserve that happiness wherever it manages to grow. Dongh’s frown etches deeper lines into his face.

“If you could have gotten through dealing with that Sohee girl alone… if you didn’t need to tell any of us, would you have kept it from us?”

“Yes,” he says honestly. Concern pushes Dongho’s face into a scowl. Dongho seems to cover most of his vulnerability with anger, he notes. He’s caused that, he notes, biting his lip. 

“When I asked about what was going on with you and Mr. Park… was that-“

“Oh,” Jaewon interrupts, seeing the pattern, and realizing that Dongho is once again too close to the truth. He needs to redirect him, but he isn’t as sure of it working this time around. “No! No! It’s really, really nothing like that. All those meetings are because he’s upset with me about being careful. He’s kind of strict, which is why I have to take the fallout when I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time!” 

Thankfully, Dongho swallows that lie. His eyes trace Jaewon’s face, searching for a lie. 

“So he asked about the media because he was going to discuss it with you?”

“Yeah,” Jaewon lies. “He already has. The media turns every other picture they capture of me into a scandal. And Mr. Park has no say in what they interpret those scandals as. He didn’t want the media getting wind of a girl in my house while I was already having to handle a sasaeng. He was concerned for me.”

And that’s a blatant lie. But Dongho doesn’t need to know that.

“Alright,” Dongho says. And with those words, the cover is back on. 

So Jaewon heads back to the others. 

“What was that about?” Daehyun whispers in his ear, worried. “Was there like… a development in the sasaeng case?”

“He wanted to know what you asked me,” Jaewon whispers back, lying again. It falls off his lips easily, even as a stab of guilt stings in his chest. It should hurt, he’s lying. But they don’t need to know that either. 

“Hey hyung, you said I could see your scars,” Daehyun pouts. “Minsoo hyung said he didn’t believe that you said I could.” 

They're so childish when they are playing around with each other. Innocent in their own ways. Minsoo and Daehyun shine so brightly that he doesn’t want to ruin it with his own petty concerns. Minsoo gives Daehyun a strange look.

“Why would you ask that? That’s a weird question, Daehyun.” Minsoo scolds, all disappointment and finger wags.

“What? I’m curious!” Their maknae and leader are play-fighting, and it always makes him happy to see it. They radiate a energy that just makes him happy, what’s there to be said?

“You can see them,” he says, pulling up his pant leg. The curious, starry-eyed look on Daehyun and Minsoo’s faces makes him smile. They’re so cute.

“I didn’t see that one last time,” Minsoo points to the microphone and camera on his calf with a frown. Jaewon blinks at him.

“How have you guys never seen these? They’ve been here the whole time?”

“They have?” Dongho frowns, eyes tracing his legs. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Jaewon laughs. “Since debut!” Minsoo runs a finger over the mottled skin of his leg where clusters of scars sit like patchwork quilts on his skin. 

“I’ve seen you in shorts, Jaewon. Seriously, did you use makeup on your legs or something? I’ve never seen these,” Minsoo frowns.

“No,” he frowns. “It’s kinda weird that you haven’t seen these marks by now. But maybe it’s because they’re out of the way?”

Minsoo stares into his eyes, looking for something.

“You’re not on drugs, are you? You’re not hurting yourself, are you? Where did such perfectly shaped marks come from that we haven’t seen before? And now you’re saying that these scars have been here the whole time?”

“Ah, nothing like that! And they actually have been here the whole time! You really might not have noticed, I guess. We did just start living together,” he reasons. “Oh, maybe that’s why. I mean, you probably don’t stare at my legs, do you?”

Minsoo doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, but he drops the topic. Jaewon gets a sinking feeling that his room is probably going to be searched at some point. 

His phone buzzes with a text message from their CEO. It’s a request to meet with him. He’s next to positive that nothing of note has happened recently, but he has a feeling that that is about to change.

“Mr. Park sent for me,” Jaewon says, waving his phone. “I have to go.” He stops to reply that he’s on his way when Minsoo speaks again.

“He just… texts you?” 

“Yes?” Jaewon looks up from the screen of his phone. “We meet often enough for it to be easier for both of us if he just texts me.”

“Ah… the scandals?” Daehyun asks

“Those are the ones, yes.” Jaewon says, knowing the flippant response would curb Daehyun’s interest. The calmer people seem, the less likely he is to look into them. And Daehyun is their most perceptive member. Minsoo is probably less of a concern. 

“Oh- uh... well… good luck? I don’t think you’ve gotten in a scandal lately though?” Daehyun shifts awkwardly as he tries to come up with an adequate response. Jaewon smiles, putting a hand on his shoulder. That’s their sweet makane. Always trying to put in a kind word.

“I’ll be fine,” he promises.

And he will be. It’s not like he has any faith in their boss, but he won’t destroy his own tool. Slightly injure, maybe, but he doesn’t think Mr. Park would try to kill him. 

He heads to his shared room with Daehyun, and he takes a backpack. Inside said backpack sits a certain black machine hidden underneath a change of clothes. Whatever sort of suspicions Minsoo has, a search through his room should clear them up. It’s the least he can do, to give him that much information about himself— as lacking as that information actually is.

The white walls of the High Class Entertainment hallways stretch as he walks across the building. The doors that used to twist his stomach in knots doesn’t really do much to him anymore. Now, the doors are kind of just… there. He opens them.

“You had sent for me, sir?” Jaewon steps into Mr. Park’s office. The usual fear that coils in his stomach is strangely absent. He doesn’t really feel much of anything towards the man. Maybe at this point they’re some strange sort of partners. 

“Wyld,” he greets. 

Jaewon watches him, expecting him to cut to the chase. He doesn’t. What does he want? He raises an eyebrow, doing an excellent impression of annoyance. Mr. Park may have all day, but Minsoo is going to want him back at practice. It would be best for the sake of timeliness if Park would be able to get on with it. He’s staring at Jaewon, and Jaewon solidly gazes back. Is this some sort of power play? Is he attempting to read something off of his demeanor? He really should be getting back to the others. He’s starting to think that this is a waste of his time.

“You sent for me, Mr. Park?” Jaewon prompts, eyes darting to the clock. It’s been a solid three minutes. 

“Yes,” Mr. Park says, something oddly pleased in his voice. “I did send for you.”

“About? The text you sent had no information,” Jaewon says, smiling only out of politeness. 

“There was supposed to be a scandal on the train while you were visiting home,” Mr. Park says. That’s quite straightforward. He thinks back to the train and the sweet little boy named Sungjin. A smile crosses his features for a second. He wonders what that kid is up to.

“Ah, the woman who put her head on my shoulder,” he replies. It feels bland as a reply, but he really doesn’t feel the desire to be nice to Mr. Park. 

“Yes, do you know what happened to the picture?” Mr. Park leans forward, eyes silently accusing. “She said she paid a kid to take a picture of you at a opportune moment.”

“No,” he lies, not wanting to disappoint him. “Her head was on my shoulder for a long time.” 

“I see,” he frowns. “We’re going to need another scandal to make up for the lost money.”

“How many more do you think I will need before I can stop?” 

“You’re all still in debt,” Mr. Park says. “At the rate you’re going, MAYHEM and High Class Ent. is going to be staying in debt for a while.” Ah, shifting the blame. Jaewon looks him in the eye.

“How big does the next one need to be to rectify that?”

“Significantly. We need a public setting, and evidence. I want the correct impression made,” Mr. Park sighs. He almost looks like he needs a drink or a drag. “The media isn’t picking up the bait the way they used to. We need something big.”

“I didn't want to hurt anybody,” he says seriously. “I won’t be injuring people.”

“No one ever does.” Mr. Park says, leaning back into his chair. 

“I wouldn’t say that,” he says blandly. “People do make their own decisions, after all.”

“I do suppose that nobody can take away your will,” Mr. Park laughs. Jaewon laughs along. He really doesn’t feel anything at all towards this man, so he might as well be nice. They’re not strangers, after all. 

“Is this going to be another club scandal?” Jaewon asks. Mr. Park seems oddly pleased.

“Yes,” his boss affirms with a nod. “And this one should end up being a little bigger if we play our cards right. Maybe it’ll even be the size of that first one— do you know how much that scandal alone has done for MAYHEM’s debt?” Ah, hanging the debt in front of his nose like some kind of threat. It’s not a threat, at this point. Why be scared of reality? At this point, it’s only a goal for him to reach. Even as he feels guilty for lying to their fans and to everyone who supported him. 

“Tell me more,” Jaewon says. He doesn’t know why Mr. Park beams at the response, but he does know that he doesn’t want this. He also knows that he’s going to end up doing it anyway. He sits through Mr. Park’s explanation. 


	5. Chapter 5

He doesn’t claim to understand the logistics of how they manipulate the media without having any say in it to begin with. But the plan Mr. Park lays out is relatively simple. He’s supposed to make out with a girl in public and make sure they get pictures where it looks like he’s enjoying it. Mr. Park has the club picked out and the reasoning for that particular one. 

He won’t enjoy it. He won’t feel anything but guilt towards it. After all, what is he doing beyond the wrong thing? Then again, is he even sure what is the right thing anymore? There are too many different shades of grey in between black and white to know. 

So Jaewon watches himself in the mirror, and gets ready to do something he’s supposed to do and pretend that he’s not supposed to be doing it. He swipes a sparkly lip gloss across his lip. He drags out a red smokey eye, aiming to look as sexily disheveled as possible. The liner pen slips, messing up the whole eyelid. He has to do it again, now.

Wiping off the shiny red powder mixed with inky black liquid, he marvels at how easily they mix. It really is quite pretty. 

Jaewon frowns at the mirror, and redoes his eye. For extra flourish, he flicks the liner pen into a cat eye. Definitely sexy and definitely not like himself. Last he recalls, ‘lust’ got flipped off first. Back when he didn’t even think the device worked.

It’s not like he wants to kiss any girls, he doesn’t want to kiss anyone at all. He bares his teeth at the mirror, hoping to feel as sexy as he looks. If you asked him, he would tell you that he looks like he’s about to get on a stage. It is a performance in the most sickening way, he had to look up and practice making out. Because Wyld can’t be a bad kisser, after all. It's just a play on a stage. But there is no real stage, he’s taking the lie to the foreground. Jaewon grips the edge of the sink, breathing heavy. He doesn’t want to do this. He really doesn’t want to do this. 

He’s going to do it anyway. He’s going to go to that club and kiss some girl that he won’t even know the name of by tomorrow. He’s going to pretend that he likes it. He’s going to play at being happy. He’s going to be Wyld, for a little while, and pretend Jaewon doesn’t exist. And that’s going to be fine.

He’s going to lie and cheat and manipulate. Because it’s the collateral damage of fame. Maybe if he tells himself that enough, he’ll actually believe it.

Running a hand through his hair, he gives himself another once over. He isn’t particularly satisfied with his clothes. If they’re going to do this, he should probably do it right. He goes back to his closet and takes out a different shirt.

It’s weird, he doesn’t recall ever actually getting ready to go to one of these clubs, but a photo means he should at least look good for it. He needs to be easily recognized as Wyld, the K-Pop idol. Wyld, the easiest money you can get— that is, provided you catch the right photo at the right time. What media company doesn’t salivate at being the ones to create the first interpretation that will be taken as truth? Someone’s probably gonna get rich, tonight.

He doesn’t want to do this, and guilt is wrapping her freezing spidersilk strings around his neck. He loops a collar around his neck. The buckle makes it look like a dog collar, but it’s fitting, in a divine comedy sort of way. The boots on his feet are just as suffocating. He feels like he’s drowning the second he steps outside.

There’s no mask on his face and the night air blows against his clothes. He feels vulnerable.

Or maybe he’s just freezing.

He passes the High Class Entertainment sign and nods at it in greeting. He’s going off to do their business, it seems.

Buildings pass as he heads to Yongsan-gu. They blend together as towering giants of steel that look over on him and know what he’s about to do. What lie he’s about to tell. Those buildings know the name of the girl he’s about to use as a prop piece for a camera. Those buildings look on as he walks and they scold with their silence.

“Ah- excuse me?” A voice behind him asks in accented Korean. It’s a girl, a foreigner. She has skin that reminds him of a really good piece of chocolate and eyes like honey. She’s rather pretty, Jaewon notes. He smiles, hoping he’s managing to be polite. She seems like a nice young lady, and she’s flanked by two other girls. One of them has bright red glasses and the other has a ton of glinting silver earrings. Her ear is practically encrusted with silver hoops, crystal studs, and thick cuffs. It’s a cool look. He might want to try something like that. 

“Can I help you?”

“My friends and I are tourists,” the girl explains, flipping her dark blue braids over her shoulder. “Can you direct us back to our hotel?”

“Which hotel?” He actually might be able to help there. He’s lived in Seoul for a long time. Their faces smooth with relief. The girl with the red glasses takes a cautious step towards him. He relaxes his stance, trying not to seek as threatening as the sexy makeup, collar, and reputation might make him seem to these girls. Her Korean is a little shakier when she speaks.

“It’s called… ah… The Lotte Hotel?”

He brightens. Everyone knows where that is!

“Oh! That’s in Jang-Gu! Okay so… uh... here, can I show you a map?”

“Sure, thanks so much,” the girl with the earrings agrees. She hands him her phone with a street map of Seoul pulled up on the screen. He screenshots the map and draws a path to Jang-Gu on it. 

“That route should lead you to Jang-Gu, then you’re probably gonna want to look for Myeongdong. If you ask anyone in the area who looks like a local, they will direct you there. Lotte Hotel should be around there, but a closer street map of Jang-Gu will give you that easily. It’s a ways away from here, so if you don’t want to walk, I think there should be a stop for a bus with a route to Myeongdong over there.” He points to a bus stop and there’s a bus heading over to it now. They might need to hurry. 

“Thank you so much,” the girl with blue braids sighs in relief with a grateful tilt of her head. “We were so lost and Google Maps isn’t being too friendly right now.”

“It’s no problem,” he smiles, feeling a bubble of warmth in his chest. “Travel safely!”

_ What? _ A snide part of himself laughs with a humor that Jaewon can’t seem to find, popping the bubble. The warmth turns into something that burns against his chest.  _ Like helping one person can possibly make up for the numbers of people you’re about to trick and use? For the people you have tricked and used?  _

He suddenly feels a lot colder than the air around him should make him feel. Why does he let himself feel so guilty, he wonders, if he’s doing the best thing he could be doing for the people he loves? 

Well… is it the best thing he could be doing for the people he loves? Or is he just lying to himself to take an edge off of the guilt? Because the more he repeats the same things to himself, the more he’s starting to think he’s just reassuring himself. 

He’s not able to be sad or angry anymore, but whatever this guilt is doing to him isn’t making him happy. And what did he expect? To suddenly feel happy about the things he hated? It turned it off, not changed it.

Ugh, he has a headache he’s not even close to the strobe lights yet. 

He watches as they disappear into the bus and the bus heads into the distance.

He picks up the pace, making it to a subway station. The sleek city darkness of a subway station is almost gloomy in nature, Jaewon disregards that. He’s been in these little man-made caves his whole life. The grey melting into black is nothing new to him, by now. Now, he needs to do the riskiest part— take the subway over to Yongsan-gu.

The train, where he will be surrounded by a group of people. 

The doors roll open with their snakelike hiss and the automatic voice begins her cheerful infodump. Jaewon steps into the subway and is immediately packed like a sardine in the press of people. He shouldn’t have the scandal here. He lifts one hand to hold on to the grab handle and the other with his phone visibly close to his face. There is no way to accuse him of molestation this time around. 

He wonders what happened to that guy and that girl. A dryer, more cynical part of himself wonders if Mr. Park set that scenario up in the first place to entrap him. He wouldn’t be surprised, if he was willing to get a girl to try and get a picture of herself sleeping on his shoulder. 

Someone must notice the red hair and makeup. Maybe they notice the collar. But what matters the most is that everyone begins to press into each other, hoping to get away from him. 

He hears people whisper. They’re wondering which girl he’s visiting, if he’s going to a late night photoshoot, if he plans to get to a club. They’re wondering what’s gonna be the next scandal and if they are going to get to witness it. The girls in the shorter skirts inch a little further away from him. And that’s fine. He’s making them feel unsafe— it’s not fine. Ah, why is he doing this? He doesn’t want to do this.

Guilt begins to coil in his stomach. But he steadfastly pretends to ignore the whispers. There’s practically a ring of people around him, leaving him perfectly alone. Good. Free space on a subway is the best, he muses, tilting his head from side to side with a satisfying crack. 

In their group chat, Minsoo and Dongho are fighting over Minsoo’s spelling again. Dongho’s argument hasn’t changed from “if I can’t read it, I refuse to.” Minsoo is yelling at him with abbreviations and keysmashes.

He must be angry, if he’s using what Jaewon has only ever seen in frustrated tweets about his own behavior. Although, maybe saying Wyld’s behavior would be more accurate. Then again, he is Wyld. Where does the persona end and the person begin? 

With a beep, the subway pulls into his stop. The crowds part like he’s some kind of Moses. It’s rather irritating.

But he catches at least three people with cameras attempting to discreetly tail him. They’re not the kind of fish wants to catch, so he just poses for the photos like he’s playing with them. Two of them laugh and snap a picture or two before leaving.

The third seems more interested in catching a scandal. So he just stands there, waiting for them to get bored and leave.

It takes exactly forty seconds for the third camera tail to leave. He turns on his heel and heads for the most notable club in the area. He’ll be able to get caught here. A Itaewon club would look too much like he’s trying to get caught, at this rate. Misbehaving idols are supposed to sneak around, aren’t they? So he’ll just pretend to sneak around. 

The more he thinks of this as a job, the more conflicted he feels. This is so not okay. He knows that he’s a sinner. The ‘justice’ and ‘guilt’ switches still stand high. And the emotions they control are banging around angrily in his chest. 

This is wrong. This is wrong, and he knows it’s wrong. And he’s still going to do it. And isn’t that the worst part of it all?

He can hear the music from a distance. The strobe lights are glowing like some sort of fun hellfire. He sucks in a deep breath, it’s going to be the least stuffy air he’ll be breathing for a little while. The bouncer stops him as he tries to head inside.

“Aren’t you one of those idols? Dyed hair and sparkly makeup and all that shit?” The bouncer is an imposing man, certainly. He wonders what his day job is, considering the thick satoori he speaks. 

“Yeah, I am a idol. Which one of the three gave it away, the makeup, the hair, or the ass?” Jaewon slips on the mask of Wyld. He plays at cheeky. He plays at being something he never really wants to be. 

“Most of you idol kiddies are underage, aintcha?” The bouncer is impressively unmoved by the snarky comment. He keeps the act up.

“I wouldn’t say most,” Wyld replies coolly. “Haven’t you heard of Wyld?”

“That one kid in and out of clubs? Sleeps around and all that shit?” The bouncer raises a thick eyebrow. “Who hasn’t seen him splashed across some tabloid or another?”

“Hey ahjussi! That’s him!” An irate person in the line calls out. The bouncer blinks in shock.

“Well, didn’t expect any celebrities at our ok’ humble club. Why aintcha somewhere closer to your usual haunts?”

“Seen em all,” he lies smoothly as the bouncer lets him inside. The club bounces with a pulse of movement as the smells of sweat and overpriced alcohol waft through the air like some sort of drug given off by their high.

The DJ is playing some dirty, intense song from a sunbaenim of his, and maybe he wouldn’t mind listening to it in another scenario. Jaewon’s never even heard this song, but it makes him pensive. Isn’t it weird, how the established musicians can still only hint and tease at the possibility of wanting someone, when they can make songs like these? It’s illogical, and just feels like another cheap money-making scheme at this point. The song isn’t that bad, either. 

But here, it just feels like another loud buzz in a world of too much stimulation. Everything in here pumps with the beat and he can hear his own heartbeat fall in line as it jumps into his ears. 

The lights are awful, and he just stands at one of the tables for a minute, watching the writing mass on the dance floor. Two girls are laughing and grinding against each other with loud cheers. They’re probably so drunk that they’re not gonna remember this when the morning comes. He winces in commiseration for the headaches that they’re gonna have. And it’s a weeknight too. Oof.

There’s an older guy in the corner who’s way too interested in the dancing girls. He’s practically boring holes into those poor girls with his eyes. 

Jaewon, personally, likes their dresses. They’re a slinky material that would probably be really nice to dance in. And the halter top of the taller girl’s dress is something he knows Minsoo likes to wear. He’s been awfully focused on clothes tonight, it seems. 

Maybe because he’s in a costume of his own. Who doesn’t look at everyone’s costumes when they’re at a costume party? 

Or maybe he’s just trying to distract himself with the inane details. Like the stain on the tablecloth of the table next to him, or the person dancing on a table while his friend tries to belt one of SA1NT’s songs. Key words being ‘tries to,’ but she’s not actually that bad at it. If she screamed the lyrics a little less, she might sound really good!

He tugs on his collar, loosening it. He’s already suffocating in this stifling heat. 

“Sir?” A bartender tries to get his attention. He’s a friendly looking young guy, with a shock of bright blue hair tied in a little ponytail. He smiles, politeness back on.

“Can I help you?”

“Someone sent you a whole entire bottle,” he says with a smile, holding up a familiar green bottle of soju. “And she’s super hot, too. You lucky dog, you.”

He tilts his head over to point out a girl watching him. She’s into something that barely qualifies as a dress, and she looks way too drunk to have done this with a clear mind. Oh- the bartender is waiting for a reply. 

How does he respond to a comment like that, again? With a joke of some kind?

“Does that promotion come with the delivery service?” Jaewon winks, making the bartender smile and laugh. Success. “Ah, but I’m fine though.”

“Are you sure? I can bring it back to her,” he offers. Jaewon nods.

“Please do, thank you,” he bows slightly to the bartender as he heads off. He doesn’t want to lose any of his control, tonight. Passing out would not be ideal.

He’s so out of place, here. It’s almost obvious how bad it is.

And he still needs to catch the attention of someone with a camera. There are no any eyes on him at the moment, in the darkness and the haze of the smoke machines. He almost melts into the background, and it’s peaceful, in all this noise, to drift off into nowhere. 

A finger taps his forearm and he turns. Standing there is a woman with bright pink hair and a mischievous smile. 

“Heya, sexy,” the woman purrs. “Can I ask for your time?”

And it seems that the time to become Wyld again has come. He doesn’t want to do it.

But he knows that, like everything else, he’s going to anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

“Whoa there baby, are you talkin’ to a mirror or something?” He grins, and it feels like someone threw a bucket of oil on his face. Plastic and greasy and awful and he’s drowning in it. The woman seems to like it, though. At least, he thinks she does, based on her reaction. She giggles, slapping his arm playfully. He can’t see her face well in the low light, but he thinks she’s happy. 

“Aiya, so greasy! Who taught you how to talk like that?” It’s playful and teasing and in another world this could be lighthearted. Jaewon’s heart feels like lead.

“Well, and what can I say to _that,_ there?” Wyld teases. “Greasy— as you so eloquently put it— just so happens to be what I do.” The air is charged with something he can’t put a finger on, as a smirk stretches across her pink painted lips.

“Mm,” the woman hums, settling in next to him. “What if I wanted to try that out?” He watches the way her fingers slowly tap against her empty glass. If not for the atmosphere, the throbbing pulsing music and his throbbing pulsing heartbeat— maybe this conversation could have been playful. He’s acutely aware of the sweat in the air and the way she’s looking at him. He can’t see her face but there’s a glint in her that the low lights can’t erase.

“And what do you mean by that?”

“I mean I don’t see your face, I wanna feel it,” she says, nodding resolutely. It’s almost cute, he notes. He smiles. 

“Sure,” Wyld laughs, fake confidence and amusement practically dripping off of his tone. He raises her hand to explore the expanses of his face. Her fingertips are soft, and she runs them up his cheek and across his nose with a lazy motion. With a hum, she pulls her hand back and grins at him, before it cracks into full blown laughter. The woman beside him laughs with a beautiful lack of restraint, her head tipped back and her eyes shut as peals of laughter spill past her lips and into the air. She’s so free, and never before has Jaewon felt so caged. He smiles, the action feeling hollow. She winks at him, still laughing. 

“Ooh! Your skin is so smooth, are you like that _all over,_ I wonder?” The mask of Wyld back in place, he rests his cheek in a hand and smirks at her. The moves feel like some sort of choreography, like they’re not real. Planned and trained and as practiced and unlike reality as the cheesy lines he’s spitting. Maybe it’s just easier to pretend that they aren’t real. ~~Maybe it’s just plain easier to pretend this is all a big show and they’ll play cards backstage when it’s over. But she doesn’t~~ ~~_know_ that she’s an actress in a play, does she? ~~

“I wouldn’t know, how about you tell me?” 

“Aigooo! This flirt!” The woman giggles, taking another sip of her drink. It smells strongly of spices and alcohol. Maybe it’s some kind of whiskey? Or a cocktail with whiskey? That sounds about right. She must have a strong alcohol tolerance, whisky can have almost twice the alcohol content as soju, if her embers correctly. And she’s still sober? Impressive! 

“It’s what I do best, ma’am,” he grins. And maybe it could have been funny. If she wasn’t mistaking everything about who he is, if he actually wanted what he had a feeling was about to come, if any of this wasn’t so _forced_. He’s pretending to be a million things he isn’t, and it aches. Guilt rages and it has no sadness or rage to turn into so it just builds in his chest like a weight. And the woman, she’s probably as sweet and kind as she seems, and she doesn’t deserve any of this— this lying to her face. She grins at him, a Cheshire Cat sort of grin that tells of knowing a million things you don’t.

“Oh? Just flirting?”

“And just what else do you think I must be so very good at, missy?” Wyld— or Jaewon? Is there a difference now?— pokes her nose, making her chuckle, voice a little deeper. She finishes her drink and looks off into the distance, seemingly considering something. She sets the glass down with a heavy thunk and turns to him. 

“Maybe I should test my theories out, hm? Care to be my little… lab assistant?”

“Theories? Are they really only theories?” Jaewon— or would the correct name be Wyld?— tilts his head with a smirk. The woman laughs. “And the only thing you could possibly call a beaker is the glass in your hand, baby. Be careful with that.”

“Not the roleplay type, huh? A tough nut to crack,” she pouts, taking another sip of her drink. “I’ll get you open to me, I’m sure of it!” Jaewon smiles, and he almost feels what could have been another life. It’s something bordering on peaceful, their banter is. Jaewon feels nothing for it, but it is a little bit fun. Guilt already squeezes the joy out of the conversation, to him. It’s just a job, and this poor lady won’t ever know that. But still, he plays into it.

“I’m almost offended that you think it’s a theory,” Wyld pouts, coquettish and low. She cups his chin loosely, leaning in. 

“You don’t know how it tastes until you eat it for yourself,” she says, breath hot on his ear. “Why? Want me to find out?” He chuckles, the rumble sounding low and sexy. Who would know that it’s fake? He’s actually not comfortable with this. At all. But he pretends to be. 

“And what do you want to taste, then? Is it me?”

“Hm, and if I become addicted?” The woman giggles, tilting her head. “Will you take responsibility?” Wyld laughs, almost mocking. None of this is real. It’s a play, and he’s nothing but an actor. He feels nothing for this woman but guilt. He’s about to use her. The smallest consolation is that she wants to be kissed— but can she even be informed in that want if she doesn’t know that she’s being used for her kiss? Can she even be informed in that want if she’s unwittingly— but in the fullest truth— only a prop to appear beside him in the pictures accompanying some tabloid article or another?

“My, my, already knowing you’re gonna like it too much?” She pokes his nose right back. The fragile playfulness of the moment is already being mourned. 

“My, my, and aren’t you confident?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

“Maybe I should learn a little. Would you maybe care to teach me just a bit? Oh, please, would you teach me, _seongsaengnim_? I’ll be a good student for you,” She coos, giggling. “Will seongsaengnim reward me if I’m extra good? Or will seongsaengnim punish me if I’m bad?” Jaewon frowns, confused. Huh? Is this another roleplay? It’s weird. And it’s very obvious that she’s trying to get him to play along. He won’t do _that._ He’s not flirting with a underage girl, right? Publicity or no publicity, that’s a line he can not and will not cross.

“Why would you want me to call you my _student_? Aren’t you a grown adult?” He nods resolutely as her expression changes to something more pensive. “In fact, I’m probably younger! You carry yourself like I should call you noona!” He’s completely lying, but it should at least steer the subject away from that… oddly and uncomfortably explicit comment. It works, too.

“You’re totally right!” She gasps, slamming a hand on the table. “I’m probably your noona! Call me noona!” The mood lightens, the energy fizzling out in an instant. He’s so grateful to that. He laughs, playing along with the demand and pulling out the cringiest aegyo he can stomach. 

“Hmm… Will noona get real real mad at Jaewonnnie if Jaewonnie doesn’t call noona as noona?” Pout on, eyes wide and blinking, he’s just playing into the energy. Maybe she’ll laugh a little. But she doesn’t laugh. 

Rather, she grabs him by the neck and pulls him closer, and he can finally see her face. She’s pretty, with pink hair and gentle eyes. But something is off.

He looks into her half lidded eyes and finally notices the bright pink flush on her cheeks. She’s drunk.

Oh _no._ Oh no, no, _no._ No way. Absolutely _not_. He can’t use her. 

That’s taking advantage of her. That’s not okay. And she’s flirting with him. She’s going to want him to kiss her. Mr. Park is going to want him to kiss her. This isn’t right. Teasing back and forth and then both being sober is okay, but she’s _not._ He needs to find someone else. This isn’t right- he’s not just using her— he would be using her when she wasn’t in full control! That’s a no go.

“You’re drunk,” he says. He should let her down and find someone else. And quickly. He thinks there’s enough people who recognize him by now.

“Mildly tipsy,” she hums. “Oh, don’t worry. I know _exactly_ what I want.”

“This isn’t right, I’m sober and you’re drunk— that’s not okay,”

“Aww, a gentleman? Listen up, if you’re a playboy, act like it,” she says, yanking him down.

She tastes like what he thinks is expensive whiskey and her tongue is rough, exploring his mouth. He can’t afford to look so shocked, he has to kiss her back.

That’s so wrong.

He has to-

But she’s not in her right mind-

But his _job-_

He hears footsteps and he has to act- 

He can’t be seen kissing someone who is drunk while he’s sober, he can’t do that as it is!

And why not?

Oh, maybe because it’s _wrong?_

He wraps an arm around her, kissing her back. His tongue dominates hers like the way he trained to do it after hours of reading fanfictions and tutorials to gather evidence. And it _works._ She whimpers against him, letting out a breathy sound that might have been a moan. He slams her into a wall and she giggles against his mouth, breaking away to murmur a “oh, you’re _good_ at this.” He lets out a huff of a laugh, recalling hours of research. He hates this, she doesn’t even know she’s being used and she looks like she’s enjoying it. She pulls him back in as someone walks by and he peppers kisses on her neck. He feels awful— at the very least, she’s having some kind of fun, right?

“It’s okay,” she murmurs softly. “You can bite me all you want. I want it too.”

He tilts his head into her neck, she smells like whisky and what he thinks are roses. He bites into the skin of her neck and it’s _soft._ She giggles as he runs a tongue over the blossoming bruise. She pulls him in again, and he’s kissing her until she can’t breathe-

This isn’t right. He takes a step back, pushing her away from him with a deep breath. 

“I was having so much fun too,” she whines, trying to pull him closer. Jaewon shakes his head, wrapping his coat around her.

“Listen, you’re super drunk. You are not even close to in your right mind. I can’t do this to you,” he states. Then he turns to the nearby bartender, the one who had brought him a whole bottle of soju. “Mr. Bartender! Can you please get her a glass of water? I think she’s had a little too much.”

“Of course, she does seem to have had a little too much,” “I’m so sorry about this-“

“It’s fine, really. Can you call her a taxi or a Uber or something?”

“Of course, of course,” “Again, I’m so sorry sir-“

“Don’t worry about it. Just make sure she gets home alright.”

He bows to the bartender and makes his way outside.

“Holy shit, did you see that?”

“Someone harassed Wyld? Like… did I just see someone harass _the_ Wyld? The playboy? From MAYHEM?”

“Please tell me you got a picture. That’s crazy! It’s gonna blow up!”

He doesn’t turn around. He can’t turn around. He stares forward, loud voices trailing after him.

“What did you see?”

“I just got a picture of him pushing her off and ran outside, I don’t want to be that woman’s next victim. What could she have done to make the guy with no type turn her down?”

Oh _no. This isn’t going to end well. She doesn’t deserve this._

“Oh I wouldn’t mind. She was hot. Wish I was as good looking as a kpop idol, I’d have every girl around me on my arm.”

“You’re such a dog!”

_You shouldn’t get to say that._

“You wouldn’t say that if I got a few plastic surgeries, would you?”

“I totally would, with a personality like that!”

He walks down the sidewalk back to the station. He catches a glance of himself in a shop window. Hair tousled, makeup smudged, clothes messy. He looks like a playboy in every sense of the word.

He feels physically ill. What had he just _done_ ? He’s just— he hadn’t even _cared_ about her and her just- just did that to her. He used her. He might have caused her problems. Maybe she’ll face awful comments when the picture drops. He’s going to throw up.

It’s almost defeated, the way he walks back to the subway and stands among the half drunk or exhausted passengers on their way home. The crowds close around him like a cage and he can’t do a thing about them. So he stands and waits, like every other passenger. That’s how it’s done, after all. He can at _least_ get that right, can’t he?

Opening the door, he lets out a sharp sigh, exhausted. Whatever happened, happened. He’s positive there’s evidence of the bites on her neck and the way he just grabbed her and kissed her back without question. There’s evidence in the smudged makeup and messy hair. The incriminating evidence has to be enough. 

He just wishes it didn’t have to exist. 

“Ah! Hyung! You’re finally home!” Daehyun beams from where he’s sitting on the couch. He waited for him? That’s so sweet, he’s touched. It’s a bright light that he doesn't feel worthy of. 

“Daehyunah,” Jaewon greets. Daehyun stands up, and Jaewon takes note of his cute chick pajamas. Jaewon’s so exhausted, far too tired to be a hyung. But he looks into Daehyun’s tired eyes and knows that his job continues on.

“What has you up so late?” Daehyun frowns, staring at his smudged makeup instead of answering. 

“Waaaah, where did you go to get all messed up like this? Your makeup is smudged and look at your hair and clothes!” He’s fussing, hands a flurry of aborted movements. Jaewon tilts his head, letting their maknae attempt to fix his messy hair. He sighs, the weight of another lie sits in his chest. He knows his cause is good, but is what he’s doing all that good?

Daehyun is going to know the truth by tomorrow, but if Jaewon can ease his sleep tonight, he will. The anger will be a problem he can handle tomorrow. One more person angry amid the crowds, right?

“I was busking in Yongsan-gu,” Jaewon says. “And a couple of things happened.”

“That’s a ways away, though,” Daehyun blinks, head tilted to the side. “Why not busk closer? I don’t even go that far.”

“I know it’s a decent way off,” Jaewon smiles, feeling the gesture weighed down by the lies. “That was the whole point.”

“Okay, makes sense, I guess?” Daehyun yawns, eyes scrunching shut. “I stayed up to make sure you came back, hyung. Minsoo hyung said to just go to bed.”

“Go sleep, Daehyunah,” Jaewon smiles. “It’s late.”

“Okay, hyung!”

Like a zombie, he trudges into a shower and feels the water wash off the makeup and hair product and everything else. The water cuts through the grime and oil on his face, but he feels no less dirty. 

And now that he’s finally alone, he cries, his tears mixing with the shower droplets and falling to the white floor covered in black and glitter. He’s not afraid of being heard, because who would listen close enough? He’ll be fine. He has to be fine. But right now, he’s not fine.

Damn it, hasn’t he gotten rid of sadness and anger? Then why does he feel so awful towards himself? So then why does he still feel so _guilty?_ So then why does he still hate himself for what he does? Shouldn’t he be free from that? 

He can rationalize it all he wants, but he just did something terrible. He is terrible. He kissed a woman without her informed consent, kissed a woman he doesn’t feel a thing for, kissed a woman to manipulate their fans and the media and everyone.

And he knows, oh he knows, that it’s because he’s done something terrible. And maybe the right thing to do is to feel that way. He can’t atone for a sin, but at the very least, he can feel guilty about it.

Although, he isn’t even sure if that amounts to anything at all, if he has to commit it again and again. What’s an apology worth, next to a repeated crime, after all? Nothing. It’s worth nothing at all. 

And if his apologies are nothing? What is his guilt? It’s pathetic. He’s not even atoning or apologizing or _stopping._ He watches the water pooling on the floor, tinged with color. It’s red, or glittery, or gray, or brown, or the same color as his skin. But it’s not what it was. It doesn’t even quite look like water, anymore.

He just stares, watching, as the water runs a million colors.

It seems to take forever before it finally runs clear. 


	7. Chapter 7

The morning comes too quickly, dragging Jaewon from unrestful sleep. He’s greeted by Daehyun sitting on the couch, a frown on his face. He looks up when he hears Jaewon’s footsteps.

“Hyung… why didn’t you tell me?”

Tell him… what, exactly? Ah, this must be about the scandal. And the lie. But he needs to play dumb, for now. 

“What?”

“It’s all over the news. You were disheveled because someone harassed you,” Daehyun frowns. “You don’t have to accept that.” He stares at Daehyun. 

“What?” 

He had heard two people talking— they must have meant it. Oh no. This is so much worse.

“It’s spreading all over, you were in Itaewon and someone blackmailed you into entering a club and touched you inappropriately, there’s a billion pictures everywhere,” Daehyun holds up his phone, displaying a picture of the woman from last night. It’s a set of pictures, her grabbing him and kissing him. And him pushing her away. 

“What?”

“They’re asking if she did it to other people too-“ Daehyun’s frown etches even further. Jaewon needs to put a stop to this train of thought immediately. She’s completely innocent! 

“It’s nothing like that! I planned on busking on a coffeeshop stage or something— I heard you can do that in Itaewon— and I mistook a bar for a cafe. She was drunk and not in her right mind, I’m fine.” Daehyun nods. 

“That makes a lot more sense than this. Ooh! There are Mayniacs commenting on the article!”

“Can you tell me what they’re saying?” Jaewon asks. And he regrets asking immediately.

“Uh… sure! CrunchyDSoo commented ‘what goes around comes around lol.’ Oh. I’m not reading these.”

He takes out his own phone, and looks up his name. If anyone else looked their name up this much, one would think they’re a narcissist. The article pops up in bold lettering: “ **WYLD of MAYHEM Harassed by Woman Close to Itaewon Nightclub**.” This isn’t good-

And the comments section manages to be even worse.

**[+1239, -11] Why is it that this makes the news and people are making a fuss about how Wyld is doing when there never was a fuss made about how those girls are faring? Something smells fishy here, HCE…**

At least those girls are compensated. Given money and they’re willing to play into the schemes. And then when he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time— he hates that he lies. But he’s never lied as explicitly as this. 

**[+1000, -843] He can’t just go around picking up girls and get so surprised when someone tries to pick him up lollllll**

**[+34, -8] How much do you guys want to be that he pushed her away so it looks like something else when he was probably actually going after her- don’t be surprised when she comes out and fires back!**

**[+713,-556] How gross is this? There are people actually defending Wyld when he obviously brought that on himself? Goes to show that people will do anything for a pretty face…**

And in a way, they’re right. He did bring it on himself. He did agree to become the face of all these scandals. He did agree to sell his name and reputation for their success. He did agree to join in this lying, cheating scheme. And he regrets it.

**[+324 , -666] I’m sick of seeing Wyld in the news? He’s literally just a person- yikes.**

Does he even warrant that title, anymore? 

**[+2008, -404] just what was he even doing by a Itaewon nightclub…**

Astute observation. He scrolls down, eyes scanning the page in practiced motions. He deserves to feel bad for this. Right? 

**[+645, -421] I hope that Wyld takes this and treats it as a learning experience^^ maybe he will change his ways from something like this. Thank you mystery woman~~ you’ve helped change our wonnie yah for the better~~**

Okay that was just… uncomfortable to read. 

**[+50, -0] honestly? yikes. why is he even upset?? lol isn’t this what he wants?**

**[+64, -3] if he wants to mess around, he’s getting what he wants lol.**

He screws his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. That person is right. And that’s the worst part of all of it. He didn’t really want to kiss her, and he didn’t want the scandal— but he wants MAYHEM to be successful. And maybe that’s become the same thing. 

**[+82, -72] this is our country, everybody, where we are so concerned with one man’s sex life. no matter what is going on with him, it’s a little dumb to be this obsessive over his daily life. what's the next tabloid article gonna say? “Wyld Caught Eating Food?” Lol d*spatch needs to get a life!**

It’s odd how much comfort that comment brings him. Because they’re right, the media’s obsession with him is a little bit ridiculous. But that’s their tool, their foothold. Can he really look down on the method he’s using? On the method that’s working? He’s not so sure he has that kind of a right. 

**[+5, -0] Honestly, he’s just ugly. No good personality and unimpressive looks. He’s not even worth the visual role. Why are girls falling over themselves for this guy again? He’s obviously not gonna treat them right.**

**[+7, -3] He shouldn’t be such an attention seeker. Seriously, what was he expecting lollll**

**[+98, -23] Honestly… it kind of looks like he did this to himself.**

**[+94, -72] he’s so irrelevant lol why does he even go out and make trouble like this. he’s acting like a big star when he’s just a wannabe**

And here are the comments that used to hurt the most. Now, looking at them, he feels nothing. Just an empty space where he knows his pain would be. And isn’t that better, in the grand scheme of it all? To feel nothing at all, instead of hurting? 

**[+53, -76] I keep seeing people saying Wyld got roofied? How??? Wouldn’t he have been willing without it lol**

**[+693, -77] How awful… they really just put that woman’s face on the internet? She should sue!!**

**[+908, -267] Wow~ so many people on here are talking about this like it’s a good thing on either end. I was at the club that night you know >:( I think he was drugged. **

**[+83, -237] drugging people is more than Wyld ever did. All molesters should just go to jail.**

**[+16, -9] Sigh..**.

And this is the worst part. More than the lies, more than the kisses he never wanted to give. It’s this. These baseless accusations could ruin that woman’s life. And he still doesn’t even know her name. At this rate, she’ll be witch hunted for something that’s not even her fault. 

**[+46, -18] kekekeke that bastard finally got what’s coming to him**

**[+102, -59] why is he even in mayhem if he’s such a troublemaker?? his company should kick him out**

**[+17, -0] no clue why anyone would care if this happened to Wyld of all people lmaoooo**

**[+13, -6] my list of reasons for Wyld to just leave mayhem and disappear gains another line lol**

And these ones would burn a hole in his chest. He’s doing it all for them and this is what the world wonders. 

Do the members think this? Are his lies going to catch up with him someday and make him leave the group? What will he do then, he wonders, when the entire world has turned his back on him?

The notion used to scare him. Now he wonders if it’s just an inevitable hurdle to jump. A future to prepare for. 

He doesn’t look forward to trying to run away from his past. But maybe he won’t be affected by it anymore. 

The little black device burns like a promise from where he can’t even see it. It’s almost a relief, to know there’s an end to all that pain in sight.

That raises the question, does he deserve to stop feeling? Can he get rid of this guilt that creeps like ice across his shoulders? Does he even deserve to do that?

He isn’t quite sure. Can he ease that guilt one day, in that future that’s looking a little more inevitable? He might have to wait to make that decision. How many sins will he commit before that future arrives, after all? Penance is penance. Jaewon can’t do much in terms of atonement, but he will take penance in silence.

“Jaewon?” A new voice breaks his focus, he looks up to see Dongho and Daehyun watching him. He blinks, surprised. When had Dongho arrived during all this? 

“Oh- Dongho hyung?” Dongho’s eyes are on the phone in his hand. And his voice is sharp when he finally speaks, breaking his almost disapproving silence.

“Why are you reading the comments on an article?” Dongho frowns. “Odds are that they’re just uninformed people slinging hate.”

“Habit, I guess,” Jaewon shrugs. Dongho frowns.

“Habit? What happened, exactly?”

“It’s all over the news! Someone harassed Jaewon hyung, see?” Daehyun holds out his phone. “Well… that’s what we all thought. It turns out that it was just an accident and not a big deal. Jaewon hyung went out to go busking in the coffeeshops because he’d heard they let you do that in the Itaewon ones. But he mixed up a bar and a coffee shop's addresses. The woman was drunk and he was perfectly okay.” Dongho’s eyes probe him, searching for a lie. Jaewon gets the feeling every assurance he gives in the near future will be subject to similar review. He finally settles on just asking him.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I got the bartender to give her some water and call a ride home for her,” Jaewon soothes. They shouldn’t worry, if he can smooth this over. He isn't happy lying, but he doesn't have a choice.

“That poor woman,” Dongho purses his lips. “Her name next to yours is not a good way to end up on the news.”

“I should meet with Mr. Park. I know he has a no interference policy but… this time someone else was implicated. I don’t mind looking a little bad, but she doesn’t deserve that,” Jaewon frowns. He can’t let this lie as it is right now. He was supposed to take the fall for those pictures, not her!

“No, she doesn’t,” Daehyun nods. Minsoo lopes into the room, a grin on his face.

“Hey guys! What did I miss?”

“There was an accident, it got blown out of proportion, and Jaewon’s in another scandal,” Daehyun fills in. Minsoo sighs.

“Again?”

“They’re accusing a woman of harassing him!” Daehyun practically shoves the phone in his face. Minsoo reads and his face creases in confusion. He looks at Jaewon.

“What? Did you harass her?”

“No!” And he isn’t quite sure how true that is. What he did is wrong, but he’s not sure it was harassing if she initiated- that’s not a defense. “She was drunk and I had gotten lost. She probably mistook me for her boyfriend or something. Which is why we need to help her out. This is getting far bigger than it needs to, she just made a drunken mistake.”

“Hyung, you’re being super nice about this,” Daehyun sighs. “She just kissed you and you didn’t want that.” Jaewon stares at him, lost.

“Wait, why wouldn’t I be nice?”

“I dunno, but I guess it all makes a little more sense now!” Daehyun laughs, embarrassedly rubbing his neck. Minsoo flicks Daehyun’s arm and shakes his head.

“Don’t be fuckin rude, maknae,” he scolds with faux-anger. Daehyun giggles and shakes his head.

“I am not the rudest one here, hyung,” he insists. 

“No. That’s me,” Dongho cuts in, shutting down their argument. “Now, you were saying, Jaewon?”

“Ah, no…” Jaewon blinks, surprised. “I’m just trying to figure out how to ask Mr. Park to help with this.”

“You did say the policy for your scandals has become no-interference, didn’t you,” Dongho says pensively. “Why don’t you just clarify things for yourself? We have social media accounts, after all.

“I’d still need permission to do so,” Jaewon shakes his head. He just hopes Mr. Park gives him that permission. 

His phone buzzes, almost as if on cue. Mr. Park wants to meet with him. Well, that was quicker than he expected.

“It seems I’m already being called away,” he notes. Dongho watches him intensely, like he’s waiting for information. 

“I’m still not over how he just texts you,” Minsoo shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s kinda crazy.”

Jaewon smiles, shaking his head, and grabs a jacket.

  
  


* * *

The building is as quiet as it always is. His footsteps echo in the hallways. 

“Wyld,” Mr. Park greets,ever unchanged and unaffected by any of this. “This wasn’t what we had agreed on. But, as it’s working in our favor, I’m going to let it slide this time.”

“The story going around right now… it wasn’t what actually happened,” Jaewon admits. “I did kiss her, like you told me to. I only pushed her away when she realized she was drunk.”

“Ah, concerned about consent.” Mr. Park nods. “Well, I suppose she wouldn’t be able to make any statements either way if she doesn’t remember what happened. Don’t worry, I’m sure she doesn’t even care about the kiss part of it all. She’s famous!”

Does he not understand that this isn’t fame? That’s infamy. It’s not good. Maybe all press is good press if you’re an idol, but she probably didn’t go to that nightclub wanting any.

“If we tell them that I kissed her and only pushed her away when I realized she was drunk, won’t that make things fine?” Jaewon sighs, running a hand through his hair. “It makes me look bad, doesn’t it? Isn’t that what you want?” Mr. Park frowns, face contorting into something that Jaewon can’t quite read. Quite the enigma, this man can be. 

“I don’t care either way how bad you look, what I want is press,” he says. “I’m disappointed that you think so lowly of me, Wyld. My goal here isn’t so you look bad, it’s a means to a shared end. You know that.”

And he hates how logical that sounds. Because he’s right. This isn’t about him, it’s about MAYHEM and doing his job. But can he really call it a job if what he’s doing is… is this?

“She shouldn’t be a means to an end, this could ruin her entire life,” Jaewon protests. No- it can’t end like this! He has to help her. Mr. Park shakes his head decisively. 

“The High Class Entertainment company policy for your scandals is and has been no interference, Wyld. I refuse to jeopardize that over an unrelated woman. Especially if it’s working in our favor the way it has been.” 

Working in their favor? How could it possibly have been working in their favor? Wyld’s image is that of an uncaring playboy. How would a rumor of him being the one harassed do them any good?

“What do you mean, sir?”

“In fact, I’m impressed! The media buzz is racketing up viewer numbers and product purchases. This is bringing in borderline astronomical profit! Without any promotion! You’ve cut the debt by fifteen percent on this scandal alone,” Mr. Park does something that’s almost a smile before he shakes his head. “You can’t promise those kinds of numbers if you turn this scandal into another one of your club scandals.”

“So you’re just going to let her take the fall?” Jaewon asks, horrified. No, that’s an awful thing to do. They can’t just do that-

“Yes, that is exactly what I am going to do,” Mr. Park says. “And I am forbidding you from trying to clear things up. Your social media accounts will be heavily monitored and moderated until the scandal blows over.”

He can’t help her. His hands are officially tied behind his back. Chained might be the better word.

What has he done? He never should have agreed to any of this. 

It was fine if it was him who was implicated in the scandals. It would be fine if his name was the one dragged through the mud. He could handle the hate and burden of the lies that sit like lead on his tongue. He could handle the ostracization and everything that was aimed at him.

But he can’t do this. He can’t just callously ruin someone else’s life like this. What is he going to do?

He’s never allowed to post directly after a scandal, but he doesn’t know if he can follow the rules this time. Monitored and moderated? That gives him just enough freedom to slip through the cracks. They’re watching the account, but not him, right? Even if it’s a quick livestream or a comment on a post or a tweet that lasts long enough to circulate, won’t that be enough? If he has to lie and say that he pushed her away because she said she loved him, if he has to play the man whore, he’d do it to get her out of this. He has to. It’s the right thing to do. Isn’t it?

“We’ve changed your password. I promise that we will return your account to you in due time. It’s a precaution, you see,” Mr. Park smiles, all teeth. “Manager Choi will be running your Instagram for the time being. If you’d like to make any posts, you should go and talk to him.”

The half baked plans of rebellion sputter out like a flame covered by a jar. He’s so powerless, and all of them know it.

They’re tightening the leash, and it’s pulling the collar. He’s choking. And all he can do is smile obligingly and nod. The words feel like ash in his mouth when he speaks.

“Okay then, sir.”

“You’re dismissed, then. Nice job.”

He’s not sure how, but those two words feel like a slap in the face. 

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Mr. Park isn’t wrong. This never has been about him. The scandals haven’t been specifically for him to look bad. The media hate and lack of protection and provocative photographs… they’re for MAYHEM. It’s not about a vendetta. It’s about having to sacrifice a pawn to win the game. Jaewon looking bad has never been the goal.

It’s a little self-centered to have thought that way.

He can add it to the list of reasons he should be ashamed of himself. Right next to ruining the life of a woman who he’d encouraged.

He hadn’t wanted her and he’d flirted with her. He’d just-

“I want to play a game! And that means you’re playing one with me!” Minsoo stops, taking the phone out of his hands. He had been trying to keep an eye on things. Because as powerless as he is in all of this, he can’t just not know what’s going on as a rumor that could ruin someone’s life spins out of control. Especially when it’s his fault. But the phone is gone, and Minsoo is grinning at him.

“A game?” Jaewon stops short. “I’m not too good at video games.” Minsoo shakes his head, pocketing Jaewon’s phone. 

“It’s a card game! Real easy to play!” Oh— Jaewon can indulge that. So he smiles, tilts his head invitingly, and tries to focus on Minsoo. He wants Minsoo to be happy. 

“What’s it called?” 

“Poker!”

Small problem. He can’t focus on him at all. But Minsoo pays him no heed. Maybe that’s because of their horrified maknae dashing across the room to stand between them.

“Absolutely not!” Daehyun yells. “You’d be cheating Jaewon hyung out of his money!”

“Cheating me out of my money?” He asks. There’s something he’s missing. 

“You wanna fucking go, punk?” Minsoo yells. “Poker isn’t to be played with money among friends! The best poker is played with gummy candies!” Daehyun looks at Minsoo, horrified. “No?!”

Jaewon isn’t quite sure… but he thinks they’re disagreeing on the best way to play poker? It sounds like some kind of gambling game. Something Wyld would need to be well-versed in.

He fights a flinch when the name crosses his mind. 

“I have a game we can play, instead. There’s no real stakes to it,” Dongho interrupts smoothly. “How about Cheat?” Daehyun looks at him, confused.

“Do you mean Bluff?”

“Are you talking about Bullshit? The one where you go around and the cards are faced down?” Minsoo frowns. Daehyun nods vigorously. 

“Yeah!”

“That’s the one,” Dongho acquiesces. He doesn’t seem all too fond of the curse word. Jaewon has a different issue.

“I don’t know how to play that game either?” Daehyun grins at him.

“Let me explain, hyung! Basically, everyone starts with the same amount of cards. You shuffle all fifty two and hand them out. You gotta do it in increasing rank— you know the cards ranking system?” Jaewon nods slowly, feeling a little in over his head.

“Okay, I know that, at least?”

“Well aces follow kings, and it runs in a circle. You put the card face down in ascending order. But you don’t know if the people around you are telling the truth— and they don’t know if you are!” Daehyun winks with a laugh and Minsoo looks on, something between exasperation and fondness in his expression. Jaewon gapes.

“So you lie? As a game?”

That was the wrong thing to say. Dongho is looking at him and he’s suspicious. He probably knows that Jaewon is a good liar by now. But finally, he answers, something almost hesitant in his tone. 

“If you don’t actually have the card, yeah.”

This is a chance to throw Dongho off his tail— and since when had he become such an opportunistic person? The memory of that woman’s perfume dances across his nose and the scandals and how quickly he agreed to everything. He so quickly signed on to these things. To shutting off his emotions, to taking on a playboy guise, to all of this— to ruining someone’s life. How many girls have been ruined by this and he was willfully ignorant? How many girls have been assumed to be looser than they are, assumed to be more of a party animal than they are? How many girls had lost friends or money or even jobs by having their face appear next to his in a tabloid? And how many of them were accosted or harassed or hurt for this? How many of them aren’t actually satisfied with the pay-off but are too scared to say anything? 

And then he wonders when he hasn’t been an opportunistic person, if this is what he’s been all along. If he’s ignored what the consequences could have been and just accepted the hate like some sort of martyr when he never has been. How is he the only one suffering? He probably isn’t! He probably never has been. That girl on the train— how scared was she? How angry was she? How used did she feel when the money came in? 

“That sounds like fun! Can we play?” 

Emotions sully the truth. With less and less emotions, how objectively will he start to see himself? He can’t rationalize what he’s done—

Oh he can, because he knows it’s the wrong thing but it was the right thing at the same time. It’s all quite confusing. But they’re watching him and he feels _happy._ How _selfish_ can he get?

“I’ll go get some playing cards!” Daehyun calls, dashing from the room. And Jaewon smiles. But it’s a short lived one.

This isn’t fair. It’s not fair that he’s enjoying this and laughing and smiling while someone is suffering.

He doesn’t even know her name. He doesn’t even know what’s happening.

It’s probably nothing good.

“Okay! I’m back!” Daehyun holds up a slightly battered box. It’s a regular fifty two card deck with the regular patterns.

“Let’s play,” Minsoo grins. “Go easy on Jaewon, okay?”

“Ah, I’m not really a good liar though,” Jaewon sighs. Minsoo gives him a sidelong glance.

“Are you even emotionally capable of lying?”

“Probably not,” he giggles. Like it’s funny. 

He’s so selfish. And he knows that. Because a small part of himself is actually having _fun._

How dare he? How _dare_ he play around like he doesn’t know what he’s done? 

“Okay! One two,” Minsoo starts, and turns to Dongho. Jaewon watches him. 

Minsoo wears his heart on his sleeve. He’s easy to read. 

Given the way he’s grinning smugly, he’s waiting for someone to call a bluff and put down a card. Jaewon shouldn’t play this like he can read anyone. He should keep his head down.

“Two threes,” he says, putting two of the actual cards down. He keeps his face impassive as Dongho scans him for a lie. Finally, he puts down his own card.

Daehyun goes next. And he’s not a very good liar.

“One five,” he says. Carefully putting it down to keep the card from flipping up is so obviously suspicious. It’s clearly bait.

But he can’t look like he knows what he’s doing in the world of lying. He looks up at Daehyun, a fake frown in place.

“I don’t think that’s true? What am I supposed to say again?” Minsoo sighs.

“You’re supposed to say bullshit—“

“Or I don’t believe you,” Dongho cuts in. Daehyun smugly flips it up to reveal a five of spades. Ah, he knew it! But he fights the little burst of pride, and sighs instead. Minsoo pats him on the shoulder.

“So now you take the pile of cards and we continue!” He smiles at him. They’re all playing together and— and he’s enjoying it. ~~Shouldn’t he feel guilty for that?~~

“Okay! The aim is to lose all of my cards, right?” Minsoo page him on the shoulder, looking proud. 

“You’re catching on! Two sixes!” 

“A lie,” Dongho grins, all teeth. “You moved too quickly.” Minsoo frowns. 

“You’re right.”

“My oh my, starting with a blatant lie so quickly? It’s like you want to lose,” Dongho teases. 

“You suck so much. Oh my fuck, you suck so much,” their leader groans, flipping the cards to reveal a three and a five. He takes them back without further complaint, but Dongho gives him a look and decides to take things further. 

“Suffer, whore,” Dongho hums. Minsoo gives him a look as dry as a desert. 

“Why am I friends with you again?”

“I’m supposed to put down a seven, right?” Jaewon looks at the others, trying to push the game onwards. He knows they’re teasing but- 

He just hates seeing them upset in any way, shape, or form. Daehyun nods.

“That’s right, hyung!”

“I have two of those! Jaewon grins, putting down a five and a two. It’s a total lie, and nobody guesses a thing. He manages to look so earnestly excited that Dongho just smiles and puts down another card.

“One eight.”

It’s a bluff. Oh. He looks up and meets Dongho’s eye. He stares at him impassively, raising a brow. And Jaewon just smiles and shakes his head. And looks right back at his cards. He looks back up, and Dongho is staring at him. He raises an eyebrow, and Dongho seems to be waiting for him to speak. Jaewon keeps his mouth shut.

They go like that for a few rounds, until it’s Jaewon’s turn again. He needs to set someone up to win— and to set himself up to keep Dongho losing. He tells the truth, and passes it on to Dongho. Dongho smirks slightly, and Jaewon knows someone is about to be mistaken. 

“Bluff! It’s a bluff!” Daehyun calls, triumphant. With a feral grin, Dongho flips over the card on top to reveal two aces. Just like he had claimed.

Minsoo cackles and Daehyun groans, scooping the stack of cards into his hand. Dongho chuckles and Daehyun whirls to face their eldest member.

“Is my suffering really that funny to you?” Daehyun pouts. Dongho looks at him without an ounce of remorse.

“Immensely.”

He’s having fun, Jaewon realizes. And it’s so nice, just to see them laugh and tease that for a moment, he can forget the world.

And even if it’s only a moment, it’s precious.

A preciousness that he wonders if he deserves, that he fights to protect but is to look and never touch and oh-

He really, really loves MAYHEM.

He should be willing to sacrifice everything for them. 

~~But can he sacrifice someone else for them?~~

“So… did you play this game a lot before?” Jaewon asks Dongho. “You’re good at it.”

“No, he’s just creepily good at reading people,” Minsoo grumbles. Dongho smirks.

“I wouldn’t say creepy. Just admit that it’s a skill,” he says. Minsoo swats his arm in reply, 

“And he has the best poker face,” Daehyun laments. “Nothing gets past him and he can tell everything. You think he’s easy to beat?”

Jaewon watches. And he’s almost amazed. 

How has he slipped past them so quickly? How have they overlooked all the lies? They’re observant, and they know their way around each other. He looks at his pile, the thickness shielded by his hand. 

He has one card left. 

~~But then he needs to ask, if he’s such an actor and a liar, can he blame them for not knowing one from the other? Can he say they're not looking too deeply if he keeps them from so far from the truth that they’re barely in the shallows? Can he?~~

Dongho had started out this game watching him, but the further the game went, it almost seemed as if they'd found an unspoken truce. And by that, he means Dongho lets him play as dumb about everyone’s bluffs, as long as his are ignored too. And as long as he hoiks in on making fun of the dumbest ones. At some point, he starts calling them out for him. And it’s all on good fun— it’s a truce! 

It’s useless and has nothing of value. It’s probably dangerously close to letting him see something he can’t.

But it’s them, playing something fun. And it’s _fun_ to play with them. He feels like he’s a part of MAYHEM, and not the one standing on the edge and he loves it.

Minsoo bluffs. Jaewon noticed immediately, and his eyes shoot up to meet Dongho’s. Dongho raises an eyebrow. He didn’t notice. Jaewon just placidly smiles, and Dongho’s eyes widen, just a little. 

“Hold on. What’s this secret _communication?_ Are you two talking about us with your eyebrow wiggles?!” Daehyun yelps, watching Jaewon.

“What do you mean, Daehyunah? I only smiled at him.” Jaewon smiles at him, just as placidly. Dongho joins in, clearly intending to mess with the others. And it works, beautifully. Minsoo jumps to his feet, eyes wide. He thrusts out a finger accusingly.

“Holy _shit!_ I can’t believe it! They _are_ communicating! Cheaters! There are cheaters in our house!” Minsoo holds a fist to his chest, fighting laughter as he monologues like he’s in an old play. “I have been betrayed! I feel threatened, horrified. How can you have done this to me! I thought we were allies and friends-“

“He smiled at me. Sit down and calm down, Minsoo.” Dongho’s smile drops. It doesn’t work. Minsoo just laughs out loud, and Daehyun joins in. 

This is a kind of being caught that makes Jaewon laugh with something giddy and bright. He's with the others and it’s so much fun- 

It’s cut short. How dare he laugh like this? How can he be- he’s disgusted with himself. He really is just going to act like everything is okay?

“He chose you as a secret partner? Why?” Daehyun drops his cards and throws his head into Jaewon’s lap, startling him out of his internal, self-aimed diatribe. Jaewon just runs a hand through his hair and laughs, enjoying the moment.

“He’s observant,” Dongho says smugly. “Very observant.” 

“But he didn’t call any bluffs the whole game?” Daehyun frowns, still confused. Then his eyes light up with a realization. “And he didn’t call any of them on purpose! That’s so sneaky! We wouldn’t have underestimated you if it was clear that you could understand a lie so easily! But… why didn’t you call it anyway? Is being underestimated that worth it?”

“He didn’t need to. Dongho did all the bullshit-calling for him,” Minsoo gasps. “You sneaky little-“

“We’re all taller than you, hyung,” Daehyun says lazily from Jaewon’s lap. Dongho laughs heartily. And Jaewon just watches, amazed. They're just so free and beautiful. And for the briefest of moments, he feels like he’s a bird in a cage, watching the others fly brightly through the sky. And he does not envy them in their flight. Rather, he loves them for their freedom. 

He watches, with no small amount of fascination. As they move and laugh. As they welcome him in, not knowing his truths and his lies. He’s their brother in arms, and he will be their shield if need be. 

~~Can he even say such noble words if shielding them is doing what he does?~~

“He’s right. I did call some of them for Jaewon. Just like the one I was about to call. It’s a cheat, Minsoo,” Dongho smirks. Daehyun reaches out to flip the card. It is not, in fact, a queen like Minsoo had claimed. Minsoo shakes his head, somewhere between incredibly amused and incredibly annoyed.

“You two are dangerous at these games! And we didn’t notice a thing! Mark my words, we’ll be keeping an eye on you next time, Jaewon!”

He smiles, but his heart isn’t quite in it. They all notice, and Daehyun immediately sets to cleaning up the scattered cards.

Dongho searches his face, and finally finds something.

“You’re upset about something, Jaewon,” he prods. It’s gentle. An unasked question, a freedom to deny and conceal. Just like what he had said before he’d visited his mom.

_“Whatever’s going on, you can tell us. You know that, right?”_

_A smile._

_A hand on his shoulder._

_Guilt._

He can at least tell them this, can’t he? He can confide… just this, if it’s them, can’t he? 

“Mr. Park… he- he said that there isn’t anything we can do to help that woman— I still don’t even know her _name._ But he said that we can’t get involved in this,” Jaewon admits. “And he said he’s not going to let me make any statements about it because he’s afraid people are going to turn it into a scandal.”

Yeah, there isn’t anything. Anything that Mr. Park _wants_ to be done about it. He likes the way things are. He likes the situation they're in and he doesn’t care about whoever’s getting hurt by it.

But he can’t tell them that. 

But he can’t tell them any of that. 

He can’t say any more than this. And this is all he can give. He apologizes again, in the depths of his heart, for keeping them so far in the dark.

“Oh, Jaewon hyung. I’m sure she’ll fire back and defend herself,” Daehyun tries to comfort him. “She’s going to be fine, I’m sure of it!”

He wishes Daehyun’s attempt at comfort gave him any, but he feels guilt weigh on his chest instead. Does he even deserve to be comforted, if this is _his_ fault? If he had never pushed her away, nobody would have said anything about her. ~~If he had never pushed her away, he wouldn’t have gotten tonight. And isn’t that a selfish thought?~~

“I just wish I could help her,” he says. He’s so _helpless,_ isn’t he?

“I wish I could help you help her,” Minsoo says, taking his hand. “Let’s distract you for a little while, okay?”

He feels guilty. He feels so guilty and he can never tell them why. So he just smiles. Pretends it helps.

“Okay, should we play another game, then?” 

“You’re on!”


	9. Chapter 9

He can’t sleep.

He shouldn’t be able to be angry at himself. He should be able to sleep at night.

But how can he sleep, knowing what he’s done? It’s like his own mind is taking to punishing him.

It’s… not comfortable.

In the haze of sleeplessness, he has to wonder.

_ Is this worth it? _

And then he asks, is  _ what _ worth  _ what? _

He’s so tired.

What if it all just stopped?

No- that’s impulsive. But what if he turned off the things that are hurting him?

That’s selfish. To want to not regret harming others just because recalling it hurts.

It should hurt. That’s the point.

He gets up and pads into the kitchen. Boiling water is almost a mindless process. And he watches the tea bag bleed into the water. The mug of tea scalds his mouth as he drinks it, but he finishes it anyway.

“Jaewon hyung?”

It’s Daehyun. Ah, had he woken him up?

“Why are you awake?

“I can ask you the same thing, hyung,” Daehyun frowns, hands on his hips. Jaewon is too tired to think about how this is going to hurt him tomorrow. Instead, he pulls out a second mug and pours Daehyun a mug of water. Daehyun picks a teabag and drops it in. They watch the way the brown of the tea swirls around in the water. After what feels like far too long in the strange limbo that is late night, Jaewon finally decides to push the subject. He turns to Daehyun and tilts his head, waiting.

“So…”

“I’m thinking about a conversation I had with Minyoung, recently,” Daehyun admits, the words almost spilling out of his mouth like he’s been waiting for someone to poke him enough to burst. “She made me realize that it was never a crush- I never had a crush on her. I don’t think I knew that. I was just feeling  _ guilty.”  _ Jaewon stares. What? 

“Guilty?”

It was obvious that day when Daehyun had told him. Guilt had hung over his shoulders like a leaden shawl. Hadn’t he known? Hadn’t he recognized the emotion that haunted him? How can a person mix up something as sickening and heavy as guilt with the freeing  _ willingness  _ that love gives? 

“Yeah, guilty. It hurts but… I think that I needed to hear it. I don’t have to forgive myself, but I don’t need to live in the past,” Daehyun smiles softly. And when Jaewon smiles back, it’s genuine. He’s so lucky, that his past isn’t his present. That his past mistakes aren’t draped over his everyday life the way Jaewon’s are. That his past mistakes aren’t something he’s forced to do every day. That his past mistakes haven’t birthed something  _ other.  _

Though- maybe they have done that. Maybe in his own way, Daehyun has had to watch the spiral at the end. He didn’t even get to see and intervene as it devolved. He only saw the result of his standing back. And maybe, Daehyun was just as scared of what he’d seen as Jaewon had the moment he’d looked in a mirror one morning and didn’t know if he was Wyld or Jaewon or if there’s even a difference. He remembers that icy clarity with the warmth of someone long since past it. It’s unfair of him to think so little of what Daehyun has had to withstand. He takes a long sip of his second mug of tea before he decides to answer that.

“That’s why we have guilt, Daehyunah,” Jaewon says. “Morality is fragile, but the shards still cut.”

“Guilt has a purpose, but…” Daehyun trails into silence, eyes focused on the tea in his mug. Jaewon tilts his head, waiting. The steam twirls and moves in a wind that doesn’t see or touch them. It brushes against his face and in the next moment, it’s gone.

“But?”

“Sometimes… you need to let things go. You can’t let it strangle you and drag you away from everything.” He smiles into his mug. “Rationalization isn’t good but… we aren’t unforgivable. Guilt only matters if you’re going to do something about it.” Jaewon sighs, staring up at the ceiling. Daehyun is observant, but he doesn’t notice the bad hidden within the good until it’s far too late. It’s a boon, to Jaewon. And doesn’t that say so much? 

“Ah… so what are you going to do? About what you felt guilty for?”

“I’m not going to be a bystander. I’m going to speak out when I need to,” Daehyun says it like a pledge. And Jaewon admires him. For all the things he doesn’t know, Daehyun’s sense of right and wrong has withstood his guilt and his perceived sin. It’s so fragile, and they still use their bodies as shields and take all the pain. He wonders, for not the first time, what would happen if he didn’t feel the pain all the time. 

Daehyun, Jaewon is now realizing, is just as unseeing as he once was. He may be willing to say more, but he isn’t able to see what he needs to say. He looks around at the stucco walls and secondhand couch and he smiles. That’s okay. It’s okay. 

He feels disgusting, suddenly. Acutely aware of the cracks to come and dirt to settle. He feels nauseous. There he is, okay with the lies and the misleading and the naive innocence being used and abused-

“Well, I’m going to go back to bed,” Daehyun yawns, breaking his… reverie? Spiral? Whatever it is, it’s like a reminder to breathe. “See you in the morning, hyung!”

He listens as the footsteps fade and looks into the glass of tea, the amber liquid sits in the bottom of the mug, aged and telling. 

If Jaewon wants to do this for them, he needs to get rid of the obstacles. What’s the use of hating himself? There are plenty of people to do it for him. 

And he’s not able to change. He’s stuck like this.

What gets in the way of it… shouldn’t have to be there. It doesn’t have to be there. 

In this dirt was his atonement, but the stucco walls are cracked. It only ever was a cheap plastering over. It only ever was a cheap plastering over- what is guilt but not  _ rage?  _

He laughs and he feels sick and dirty and disgusting.

He can’t hate himself. It’s supposed to be impossible.

So  _ why does he? _

It’s guilt. It’s his guilt. 

And he needs to turn it off before it swallows him whole. And when has it been so powerful on its own? He stumbles like he’s drunk, possessed by some strength. He’s tired of the self hatred and the spiral and he’s sick of it all.

His hands fumble in his sock drawer. The black device shakes with the trembling of his hands. The two switches stand tall. Mocking.

With a deep breath, he flicks down ‘Justice’ and ‘Guilt.’ And he breathes.

Phantom pain in his scars makes his leg seize up. Oh- is a storm coming? He frowns at the lines of a burn shaped like a masquerade mask and the one that’s always reminded him of a button, even if it’s just an oval. He wonders why they hurt the most.

He takes a painkiller and goes to bed. It’s not that big of a problem. He wonders what it is about his senses that feel the need to fool him. That feel the need to rule him. 

He’s starting to think maybe neglecting them is better for  _ him. _

Untethered. Free.

He’s cutting his binds and he never realized how weird it was to be able to breathe. He’s dizzy in it, burned up by too much oxygen too fast.

But maybe burning himself up isn’t a bad thing.

He looks across the room at the diffuser and humidifier combination device. Jaewon thinks it might belong to Daehyun? 

He can’t say he understands its purpose in their dorm, but it reminds him of those sticks of incense. Burning to the ground for the world. A symbol, nothing but ash and smoke with a faint breath of what was once there. 

And they’re never upright until someone dies.

That last thought shatters in his ears at a million decibels. Stunning him- blowing him backwards.

He recognizes what he always has known. Someone needs to do the dirty work. It’s  _ okay  _ that it’s him. He’d rather it be him.

Of course there will be casualties in their industry. That’s how it is. Okay. He’s going to be… okay.

He smiles in the mirror, seeing his reflection in the darkness of the room. It’s like the loud thoughts are finally pushed into the background where they fade from sight.

He’s starting to recognize the change when he’s switched things off. It’s more palpable as weights fall off his shoulders.

Are they getting heavier as time goes on? Or more powerful with less to compete with? He isn’t quite sure what else to say to that. And then it dawns on him- he doesn’t have to say anything at all.

* * *

  
  


Jaewon wakes later than normal, feeling  _ rested. _

It’s not an unwelcome feeling, honestly.

“Hyung! Good morning! You look chipper today,” Daehyun grins at him. He smiles at their maknae, ruffling his hand through his dyed blonde hair.

“Ah, Daehyunah. Did you sleep a little better?”

“I think I did! It was… nice… to talk to you, I mean,” Daehyun laughs, a little awkwardly. “I don’t think we’ve had a deep conversation like that… in a long time.” Jaewon frowns. He’s right. 

“I suppose we haven’t,” he admits. “Maybe we should have them a little more, don’t you think?”

“I’d like that,” Daehyun beams. Aiyah, their maknae is so cute. 

“Are you up yet?” Minsoo pokes his head in, head still slightly messy. “Excellent! Let’s go!”

“What’s going on?”

“We’re filming a MAYHEMTV again!”

“It’s been a while,” Jaewon notes. “I wonder why they’re bringing it back.”

“They said it’s to show everyone that Jaewon is doing okay,” Minsoo laughs. “But I think it’s because our lovely driver Mr. Choi got sick of me asking to reboot it.”

“You think?”

“Mhm,” Minsoo grins. It’s an excited, secretive grin. “Shall we team team up to destroy Dongho?”

“How do you know we haven’t already set a standing deal to destroy  _ you?”  _ Daehyun shoots back with a laugh. 

“How dare- mutiny! There is mutiny on my  _ ship!”  _ Minsoo screeches.

It turns out, they're not playing a game against each other. Daehyun looks at the cameras, confused.

“We… I guess we’re cutting our own hair?”

“I guess?” Minsoo frowns at the cue card. “Well… not our hair. We will be cutting wigs… while they’re on our heads. So… fake hair that our hair wears?”

“This is a terrible idea,” Dongho frowns. Jaewon just picks up the powder blue one and drops it on his head. Dongho glares.

“Might as well, unless you’re afraid Minsoo hyung is gonna make fun of you for your hair cutting skills.”

And those are fighting words, he knows.

Dongho adjusts the wig until it covers all of his hair. Daehyun laughs.

“You look like you’re in SA1NT, hyung!”

“And you look like a knockoff De Vil,” Dongho says to the split dye wig on Daehyun’s head. Minsoo takes the purple wig with no complaint.

“Do I look pretty?” He bats his eyelashes and Daehyun wheezes. 

“Jaewon hyung looks the prettiest! You look like a fairy with pastel pink hair, hyung!”

He knows. And he’s trying to figure out why. Why do they want him to appear blameless and innocent?

Oh. He understands. It’s to separate him from any implication in the scandal. Okay. So he steers the subject. 

“So we’re gonna watch a video of someone doing their own hair and then… cut our own?”

“Yeah! Let’s do it!” Minsoo jumps up. Jaewon shakes his head, already pumped up. That’s their fearless leader, Lee Minsoo.

They watch the video. It actually doesn’t seem all that complicated, to be honest? He focuses on the way the person moves their wrists. 

And then they’re sent behind curtains with their own cameras and mirrors. Jaewon parts his hair like the person in the video.

“Okay… I think it works!” Jaewon laughs, cutting through the plastic strands. He frowns into the mirror, trying to chop the cut into something even. It turns out a lot shorter than he intended but… it’s… sort of even?

“So… should I cut it again? To make it smoother than this? It’s not a perfectly straight line… but I didn’t do a terrible job, did I?” Jaewon asks the camera like it would respond. “I think I’m gonna leave it like this- it’s gonna be too short otherwise! They’ll all laugh at me if my hair is  _ that  _ short,” he pouts. He examines his face in the mirror. Has he ever had hair this short? It’s not a bad look on him. 

“Okay, time’s up!” A producer calls out.

“Looks like I won’t be getting a chance to!” Jaewon laughs. He takes the sparkly strawberry hair clip and pushes his hair up in the last few seconds. He looks very cute, if he does say so himself. 

The curtains fall. And he gapes. Dongho has a choppy but stylish cut he’d even styled into a man-bun. Minsoo gave himself a neat and painstaking cut with swooping bangs. It’s rather nice, actually. Daehyun on the other hand… looks half bald.

“Whoa! Jaewon hyung! Who taught you how to do that?”

“The… video? Look at Minsoo hyung and D.Min hyung! They look so good!”

“You guys are good at this,” Daehyun pouts. “Did you all take hair stylist classes behind my back or something?”

“Nah,” Minsoo laughs. “It’s karmic payback for the baking episode!”

“Hyung! Don’t be mean,” Daehyun pouts. “It’s not my fault if I’m good at baking! I worked hard to get good at it!” Jaewon laughs and takes off the pink wig, and swaps it out with the split… now one-third and two-thirds… dye wig. Daehyun laughs, prancing around in the cherry blossom pink wig. He beams bending down to grin at Minsoo. 

“I look so pretty! Thank you Jaewon hyungie!”

“We need a winner,” a manager reminds them from behind the cameras. Jaewon looks around. Daehyun probably won’t get offended if he leaves him out of things. Even he knows that his cut job was… less than hair salon employee ready. But he wears the uneven cut anyway. Daehyun notices and smiles. His heart soars at the sight.

A clearing throat catches his attention. It’s the producer. Oh, they’re waiting. Oops.

“I think… it’s a tie, between D.Min hyung and Minsoo hyung,” he decides. Minsoo whirls to face him, face incredulous.

“A tie?!”

“You both look really good so…” Jaewon shrugs. “Why pick?”

“Aish! This brat,” Minsoo shakes his head. “All you have to say is ‘Minsoo hyungie is so handsome and the best- my vote goes to him!’ Easy! Just turn to the camera… smile and-“

“That’s lying though?” Dongho asks, interrupting. “I  _ do  _ look pretty good.”

Daehyun freezes, and falls to the floor with a  _ scream _ of laughter. Dongho doesn’t care about these games, but he always has loved bothering Minsoo. 

“You know what? I’m gonna vote for a tie, too! Between D.Min hyung and Wyld hyung!” Daehyun raises a hand with a decisive nod. Jaewon gapes.

“Me?”

Minsoo grabs a squeaky toy hammer and whacks Daehyun’s butt. It’s obviously playful, so none of them move to stop it. Daehyun laughs even as he protests.

“This is bullying! Maknae abuse!” Daehyun cries out, his laughter shaking his dramatics. 

“Minsoo, there’s nothing to whack there,” Dongho chides.

“I’m changing my vote to Wyld hyung! You guys suck!”

“Hmmm… I’ll vote for Wyld. It’s a good look on him.”

“What?!” Jaewon gapes. Dongho and Daehyun just laugh in response. And he smiles fondly. They’re so strange.

* * *

“Wyld. Can I get your attention?” It’s Choi. Jaewon smiles politely.

“Oh, manager hyung. Did you want me to make an Instagram or Twitter post?”

“No, I have to let you know that Mr. Park wants to speak with you. It’s about a development in the scandal,” Manager Choi explains. 

Jaewon turns, surprised. He thought he wasn’t allowed to discuss it at this stage.

“What?”

“I’m not fully sure. The prosecution team sent in a request to you through the company, I guess Mr. Park wants to discuss that,” Manager Choi sighs. Jaewon frowns. That definitely does not sound like it’s a clean business practice. He’s fine with looking bad, but he won’t be of very much use if he’s in jail. 

“Is that even legal?”

“It was more of a ‘clear his schedule, he needs to be there to make or break this case,’ I think,” Mr. Choi sighs. “The nightclub is taking that woman to court for using drugs on the premises.”

“Drugs?”

“They’re saying she roofied you,” Choi explains lazily. He… also probably thinks Jaewon initiated this. And he wouldn’t be wrong.

“I… didn’t drink anything that night,” Jaewon says. Choi hums.

“So what?”

“I pushed her off of me because she was drunk. It wouldn’t have been right,” he shrugs. He’s oddly proud that he did what falls under the category of “the right thing.” Manager Choi catches on. 

“So it’s spiraling out of control. And Mr. Park doesn’t want you saying anything because it could make you look bad,” Manager Choi sighs, catching on. “That poor girl is in quite a pickle.”

“Well, if I testify for her in court, wouldn’t that make things better?”

“Are you sure Mr. Park will allow-“

“I can’t lie to a judge, hyung,” Jaewon reminds. And Manager Choi sighs.

“Well that’s good. Because this came in the mail for you this morning.”

Jaewon opens the letter. It’s in formal black and white. A request to testify in court tomorrow.

And apparently, he gets to do whatever he wants.


	10. Chapter 10

Mr. Park had told him that under no uncertain terms that he is not to lie in court. That kind of legal investigation that High Class Ent. would face under accusations of perjury is not something they can afford, especially with all the lies they use for stability. But other than that, he could be in favor of whichever side he wants. This scandal has lasted too long, he’d said. And it’s true. Wyld cannot be seen in a club yet. Not until people aren't fighting over if he needs to be protected. The scandal would bring Wyld’s other scandals into question the longer this continues. He’s already seen so many people pointing out occasions when it’s not clear who was harassing who. So many of the old scandals that had been left as trailing loose ends are being looked at under a new light. He hasn’t seen any hate towards the girls involved yet, but what he has seen is claims that they’d never said anything to those sleazy tabloids at all. Which is probably the best outcome for them. Someone even claimed to have been on the subway  _ that  _ day, and said that Jaewon had been looking at her phone and they saw where both of his hands were. The fake and true are getting more closely examined than before. It’s excitingly close to freedom. He almost dares let himself hope that- 

No. That chance of freedom isn't going to last. 

It’ll die with this scandal. Any interest or support will create warring factions among fans and non-fans alike. Every scandal’s validity will have to be sold a little harder. It’s going to be exhausting, he already knows that.

And after all that selling and slowly converting the ones who backed him with a frenzy to people who hate him, maybe by then Wyld sales will boom as people burn his photo cards and posters.

It’s happened before. 

They think they're sending High Class a message. They think they’re teaching the misbehaving, awful idol a harsh lesson. And they are sending a message, for sure. But that message isn’t what they think it is. What they’re sending is hate and requests to remove Wyld from MAYHEM, and what Mr. Park is receiving is that their method is working and it is working well. And the truth is, that kind of message means exactly that. 

He knows that the scandal to push them out of debt could be that none of scandals were true, but not at this rate. Not when there’s still this much debt to deal with. He wonders if that’s going to be the plan, that High Class Ent. decides to step in against a scandal and say that no, it’s not true. If that last, landing sandal is going to be that High Class has finally decided to step in because they’ve let this go on too long. Because they’d let people run their mouths but they need to protect their artist’s image now.

He wonders what that scandal would be. A drug accusation? A dating rumor? An assault allegation? A school violence claim? It would have to be something huge. And the weight of that makes him wonder how many more times he’ll be in places like these.

Then he wonders if he’s going to get to  _ have _ a final scandal at all. 

And even then, he can only guess what would happen. What will happen, he has to wonder, when the mob of people who want their punching bag thrown away will have to face that they were wrong about him? What happens then? When he becomes something to pity and no news site or gossip monger dares to touch High Class because High Class will be known to let anyone run their mouth and only step in and prove them horribly wrong. Every girl who made a claim to a news source.... Will they be brought to question like this? Or will their claims have been “made up” to get views? Will those girls keep the hush money and claim that they never actually said a thing?

If they do, then Mr. Park will look like a hero who stood behind the scenes and only made things huge when people wouldn’t listen to the poor, small-time CEO. Mr. Park will look as powerless as Jaewon actually is. And as questionable this is from a moral standpoint, Jaewon has to admit that it’s a brilliant media play. 

But if they do point the fingers? Say they were paid to do it? Then the fallout will be huge. What will they say about the scandals and danger the CEO put his employee in to trick everyone? Will Wyld be an accomplice or a victim? If he played the part, what would they say about him? HCE could go under. He makes a mental note to ask Mr. Park to discuss a plan with all of those girls for the suddenly more possible event of the secret to all of the scandals being blown. Such as hush money to claim that they’d never said what they had. 

He looks around at the brown walls of the courtroom. None this feels completely real. He glances at the high-up windows, and catches a drone recording through the window. Probably for a more desperate news source. And- oh, the press–

Reporters sit like vultures outside. Shrieking like a murder of crows at every person who dares enter to do their job. This is too much for a case that doesn’t really mean much. But if they can slap an “exclusive” label on any information, it sells better. It’s tangential to it all, but they’re making it into something even bigger, just for clicks. But, a more kind part of himself interjects, he does that too. Isn’t that just keeping afloat in the industry? He can’t blame them for that. Even if it is starting to give him a headache.

Daehyun and Minsoo had been ecstatic when he showed them the letter, pointing out that this could be his chance to help that girl out. Dongho had been a little more realistic, reminding him that he needs to be careful down to his word choice, or a lawyer will take advantage of a slip of the tongue and twist his words into something they never were.

Jaewon wonders how Dongho hasn’t caught on to the media before he had told him that the scandals weren’t true when he knows this. Is it fair, he wonders, to blame him? Jaewon doesn’t care. He certainly doesn’t want to be involved in these scandals, but he wants the others to know even less. So he’ll keep his mouth shut and hope they never dig too deep. But considering he has to take their fans into account nowadays, he might not be able to do that on hoping alone. And what a delicate balance he will need to walk, making it look intentional to a camera and accidental to his members. He wonders if he’s going to need to pretend that they’re real again. And look Dongho in the disappointed eyes and say that he might as well if that’s all they think of him. If they claim to have seen lipstick on his collar, maybe to make them happy, he should put it there. 

That kind of discussion feels like it’s going to give him a very difficult time. He doesn’t know what kind of microscope Dongho would put his actions under. 

He looks across the room to see the girl from that night. She’s quite pretty, in the daylight. But the expression she’s barely masking isn’t. 

Her eyes are rimmed with red and she’s looking like she’s about to accept it. She’s about to accept what everyone says about her and suffer for the rest of her life as  _ that girl,  _ the one who was so desperate she’d even go after Wyld and even  _ he  _ rejected her. He can see a road laying itself out and...

And… for a moment, Jaewon sees himself. Red rimmed eyes in the CEO’s office and about to take on a role that, while he doesn’t want it, gave him and MAYHEM a way to survive. She doesn’t have such an option. There’s nothing good for her coming out of a mess like this. Nothing good at all. The bright lighting of the room washes her features out into streaks that Jaewon can barely see in the too-large courtroom. What a song and dance, he muses, seeing all the effort to blow this case up. She’s so small in here, and her face is stripped down to the elements to be reconstructed as anyone sees fit. He doesn’t think anyone else has noticed the ring of red around her eyes, the bleeding, bitten to shreds lower lip, the indents where her own nails are digging into her hands. He doesn’t think anyone who doesn’t know what it feels like can recognize the shine of tear tracks. Jaewon has been in her shoes far too many times not to recognize this.

He  _ pities _ her, he realizes. 

He watches them go through the motions, and realizes very quickly that her lawyer isn’t doing very much for her. And the lawyer for the nightclub is tearing into her, slicked back hair and eyes sharp and he’s the picture of slimy. Jaewon doesn’t know him, but he certainly doesn’t want to. 

The investigation of the bar, top to bottom, found no drugs. But that could be waved away by the garbage being taken out or the dishes being washed. The lawyer asserts how well the nightclub cleans itself up and smirks over his shoulder at the woman. 

For a minute, he sees Mr. Park in the nightclub’s lawyer, and Manager Choi in the woman’s lawyer. He doesn’t like them. At all. Nobody is helping her. She’s trapped, and they both know it. Given the way the nightclub’s side is grinning, they do too.

And he can tell how close she is to giving up. The nightclub barely sent a showing, because they’re so certain of their victory. And then what? And then what happens to this woman? Who was a patron of that nightclub and is getting turned against for no real reason? 

Jaewon can’t say he’s all too impressed with the actions this club has taken. He really can’t.

He doesn’t know what possessed the nightclub to take this poor young woman to court, but he’s assuming that it’s because they’re getting bad press for letting something like this happen. Well, there was nothing to  _ let  _ happen. Ah, can he go home yet?

He learns the woman is named Han Jangmi. It’s a rather pretty name, he thinks. She shakily tells the judge that she’s a makeup artist and was celebrating that night because someone had made a whole post about how they loved the makeup in a drama she had worked on. It was just a little treat because she was happy.

The regret and fear and wishing that you’d never tried to celebrate. The wondering if you had been selfish or stupid or  _ anything  _ that means you wouldn’t be here if you had been  _ better.  _ Jaewon knew her pain. The excitement as he’d hopped on that train and the utter  _ despair  _ that had dogged his footsteps home. He might not feel the phantom pains anymore, but he doesn’t seem to have forgotten what it felt like. He’s proud to know that he’s going to be able to stop this. He’s going to stop that unending cycle of pain today. The minute they let him speak, he can save her from becoming like him. 

Ah, when is this going to be over? When can he tell them to all go home?

And then he’s called to the stand. The most valuable witness to back the nightclub or to back up Han Jangmi, and they haven’t even addressed him yet. Well, it’s his turn to make the decisions about how things go. The nightclub, who called him up, starts first. Their lawyer paces in front of him like a predator, waiting to find something to pounce on. Jaewon doesn’t plan on giving him an opportunity.

“Were you or were you not drugged on the premises of that nightclub?” The lawyer for the nightclub asks him. Jaewon looks up and tells the truth. 

“No. I was never drugged on those premises in any way, shape, or form,” he states. The lawyer leans in, eyes searching. 

“And how are you so sure of this?” Jaewon doesn’t think that the lawyer's smile is very friendly. They’re attacking this girl and… her own lawyer is barely lifting a finger. He raises an eyebrow, stating the obvious.

“I would have needed to have eaten or to have drank something to have been drugged, wouldn’t I?”

The courtroom freezes. Saying this shuts down the entire case, he’d known it would. The lawyer frowns.

“You really didn’t drink anything? Not even water? You didn’t smoke anything? No cigarettes or illegal substances? You didn’t snort or take any sort of drugs?” The questions come one after another, and before the defense even gets to shoot an objection, he answers. This line of questioning is problematic in the case of future scandals, he makes a mental note to avoid any scandals that could end with those assumptions. And to tell Mr. Park exactly what he had testified in court. 

“I don’t smoke, I’m an idol who dances and sings, that’s a terrible idea. I don’t do drugs, either. That’s illegal. And I didn’t drink that night. Not even water,” Jaewon confirms. The lawyer frowns.

“You went to a nightclub and didn’t drink alcohol? That doesn’t sound realistic.”

“I don’t really drink,” Jaewon shrugs. “I’m kind of a lightweight. I would just pass out at the bar.” The lawyer freezes at the admission, clearly fighting a laugh.

“Wait- really?”

“Yeah,” Jaewon says, trying to steer the conversation back to what is relevant. “Someone tried to buy me a drink and you can confirm with the bartender that was there that night that the person who bought me the drink is not only not this woman, but that I never even broke the seal on it.” Proof. Something he had never had. But she has it, and he will be her proof.

The court breaks into hushed whispers, dissecting his words. He looks up and sees the camera drone hanging around the window. It’s shaking, almost like the hand controlling it is eager. It probably can’t pick up any sound through the windows, but Jaewon sending the court into hushed whispers probably could look fascinating to an unknowing eye. 

All these scandals ever have been is unknowing eyes dissecting his every move, haven’t they? 

“You are confirming you didn’t order any water, either?”

“I did order a glass of water from the bar. I ordered one for her  _ after  _ she kissed me. That’s typically what you do for drunk people, give them water.” Jaewon states firmly. 

“If you were not drugged when she kissed you, then you could have stopped it before she managed to. So why did you push her off of you?” The lawyer asks, eyes sharp. He’s looking for a weakness, a Freudian slip to use and abuse and call that woman a million things to follow her forever… when he doesn’t have one to give. It’s really just the truth. And when had giving the truth been so weird, to all of them? 

“I didn’t know what she was going to do until she did it,” Jaewon replies. The lawyer’s voice is sharp as he shoots back a question.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that she grabbed me and I didn’t realize she was drunk until she was right up in my face and I could see her red face and smell the alcohol,” Jaewon shakes his head. “I was taken by surprise, and wasn’t sure how to react because I didn’t actually know what she wanted until she did kiss me.” The lawyer seems to be mulling over the new information, is there something that still doesn’t make sense to him?

“Why did you push her off of you then?”

“I pushed her off because she was drunk and didn’t realize what she was doing. She made a mistake and couldn’t have consented to a kiss, even if she had initiated it,” Jaewon says, eyes stony. He is getting a little tired of this repetition. There’s no evidence, they found no drugs on the premises and Jaewon couldn’t have ingested any. Can they leave yet? The judge sighs.

“So it’s just… a harassment case?” His eyes pierce into Jaewon. And Jaewon shakes his head.

“I wouldn’t even call it that,” he says. And he sees, out of the corner of his eye, the woman finally looks like she’s breathing again. This is bad for his reputation as a playboy. Bad for his reputation as an idol. And he can tell that she’s realized both. And that she knows he’s still testified in her favor. Because the truth is in her favor. And they both know it. The judge nods resolutely. 

“Then there is no evidence for this case, so I’m dismissing it. Ahn-ssi, while we are here, do you intend to press charges?” The judge looks at him, face serious. “While that sentiment was nice, she initiated it. You were sexually harassed and it is within your right to press charges.”

Jaewon feels the weight of the eyes on him. Especially those of the woman- Han Jangmi. There’s something bordering on hope in them. She’s staring at him, and he can see the beginnings of relieved tears in her eyes. Now she knows that she’s getting off of the drug allegations. Jaewon doesn’t need to be cruel and hold off on answering that question, not when he knows what he’s come here to do.

So he clears his throat, looks the judge in the eyes, and answers him.


	11. Chapter 11

“No, I don’t want to press charges against her.”

And the atmosphere of the room changes. The now irrelevant nightclub’s legal team shuffles out and Han Jangmi is barely able to mouth a _“thank you”_ as Jaewon is ushered out of the courtroom.

He comes back to the dorm to find a note from Daehyun. It simply reads what their schedules were. Minsoo had a practice, Dongho was in the studio, composing. And Daehyun was out busking. His pride grows in them. They’d all been sent out to do their part. And they’ve all succeeded in their missions. 

He watches the clock as time ticks late, but they don’t return. Maybe he should get some sleep.

He’s so proud of himself that it’s keeping him awake at night. Well, the logical part of himself reasons, if he could turn off his guilt to get some sleep, what does his pride even matter? 

Jaewon pulls out the device, and he smiles at it. It’s odd how this benefactor gave him something he’d never realized he’d come to desperately need, but Jaewon would like to think that he’s grateful for it. 

The switch is smooth under his fingers, and there’s very little stopping him from pushing it down. He has nowhere _near_ enough pride for this kind of emotion to be difficult to turn off.

The switch clicks gently as he pushes it down.

He smiles and looks around. Nobody is home yet? 

Closing the sock drawer with a sigh, he smiles in the mirror. He sees the door open behind him.

It’s Daehyun, eyes drooping and a dopey smile on his lips. He double checks that the drawer is shut tightly, and turns to face him. Daehyun greets him with a sleepy wave.

“Heya hyung, what are you up to?” His question is punctuated by a bleary yawn. Jaewon smiles fondly at him.

“I’m getting ready for bed, Daehyunah. How was your day?” He reaches back into the drawer and buries the device under more socks, before making sure it’s shut tightly. 

“It was great! You know, I thought you’d be done by midday,” Daehyun gently puts his guitar to the side and stretches, clearly stiff joints cracking with movements. 

“Me too,” Jaewon laughs. “But it dragged on so… they had to inspect and wait for lab reports, bring in testaments for how well they keep the place clean…” he trails off waving a hand lazily. “It was… an experience, for sure.”

“Tell me all about it,” Daehyun plops on the floor, cross-legged. “What was her name? And what did she look like?”

“Her name was Han Jangmi,” Jaewon murmurs, rolling the syllables over his tongue.

“That’s a pretty name,” Daehyun notes. Jaewon can tell he’s trying to cheer him up. There’s no real reason to but… he can play along, can’t he?

“I think so too!” He smiles. “She’s actually a makeup artist! At least… I’m pretty sure that’s what she said? She has hair dyed the same pink that the wig I got for that video was!”

“That’s a good color,” Daehyun agrees. “Was she pretty, hyung?”

“I think she was,” Jaewon comments. 

“So… she’s okay, right? What was it like?” Daehyun leans in, propping his chin in his hands. He’s actively interested. And Jaewon realizes that before all of this… Daehyun was the only one who really was. Minsoo was like a very distant coworker. And Dongho might as well have been a stranger to him. What changed to make them change the way they had? Sohee makes sense for Dongho to keep an eye on him, but actively care about him? Or that conversation with Mr. Park. But otherwise… there’s nothing really tying them together beyond MAYHEM. And why _did_ Minsoo choose to tell him anything personal while sober? 

He thinks back to the startling clarity he’d had at Coffee Temple. 

It’s _because_ they’re distant. Before now… was he anything more than a stranger to Minsoo? Well, he thinks, things can change for the better. He actually hopes it can continue like this. But still, Daehyun is smiling up at him and he feels so fond. So he tells him everything he can.

“Well there was a lot of security. The press were really interested in this case. It made it into something a little more high profile than it actually was. So I had to get checked by security and everyone had to deal with it. I think there was a drone at one point?” Daehyun frowns, looking oddly confused. It’s almost like he’s playing up the maknae role to be comforting. 

“Why do they care so much?”

“Well, it’s because they were suing her for committing an alleged crime on their premises. That’s already of interest because of all the talk that goes around when it comes to drug use. But there’s also the fact that it’s the supposed crime against me,” Jaewon sighs. “It was barely tangential, but it’s connected just enough to stretch the whole case in their news and make more headlines on the same news.”

“Ugh,” Daehyun groans, flipping across the floor, his chin landing by Jaewon’s feet. 

“Pretty much,” Jaewon agrees. Daehyun sits back up, eyes searching.

“What did they discuss first?”

“How they’re pressing charges,” Jaewon answers. “It was so weird to watch.”

“The lawyer brought in how the police investigation showed no evidence of drug usage. Like… reports and talking to them and their scientists. For almost two hours.”

“Whoa,” Daehyun gasps. “That’s a long time. How much evidence did they need to say that?”

“Well, that was her only defense. The entire thing happened outside of the view of a security camera,” he explains. Daehyun just shakes his head.

“Really? Seems awful convenient that they never caught her slipping anything into a drink like they’re so adamant that she did.” 

“Yep.” 

“So then what?” Jaewon sits down beside him, tired of looking down. 

“The nightclub brought in their cleaning staff to establish how clean they keep the place and how it’s possible that any traces of drugs could have been cleaned up by their bleaches and methods,” he told him. 

“Oh no,” Daehyun groans, seeing where that line of conversation would lead. “That shut down the proof of evidence, didn’t it?”

“It did. And then he brought in a bunch of accusations on her character,” Jaewon recounts, shaking his head. “And her lawyer basically did nothing in her defense.”

“What is she paying him for, then?!” Daehyun gasps. “He’s a scumbag! Terrible!”

“You’re being… very vocal about your dislike for him,” Jaewon notes. Daehyun beams at him with a proud little giggle. 

“Thank you for noticing, hyung! I’ve been working on it!”

“Just remember the delicate balance you need to keep with keeping your mouth shut, Daehyunah. What you say can get you in a sticky situation,” Jaewon says, ruffling Daehyun’s damaged blonde strands.

“Ah, hyung!” Daehyun pouts with a whine and then he laughs. And Jaewon just smiles.

“So do you want to know what happened next?”

“Yeah!”

“So then they finally call me up-“

“What time was it by then?” Daehyun interrupts. “Oh, sorry, hyung!”

“Like, the middle of the day!” Jaewon opts to just answer instead. Daehyun gasps, shocked. So he is trying to comfort by being a maknae. Jaewon smiles fondly.

“Whoa, that’s a long time, hyung!”

“I know, right? So when they finally call me up, I just straight up say that I wasn’t drugged. Because I thought that meant I could go home,” he admits. “Like, I’m the main witness and I said it never happened.”

“Then what? What happened then, hyung?” Daehyun gasps. And 

“I had to confirm that I didn’t eat or drink anything. And that I don’t really drink,” Jaewon murmurs. Daehyun pauses, confused. His voice comes out odd when he speaks. 

“You don’t? Drink… I mean? You don’t like to drink?”

“Yeah, I don’t,” he confirms. Daehyun seems a little lost.

“Why don’t you?”

“I’m a lightweight,” Jaewon laughs like it’s a joke. 

“A lightweight? You get blackout drunk easily?” His questions were odd but Jaewon couldn’t place their purpose.

“Not exactly blackout… I’d be more likely to pass out right there!”

“Oh,” Daehyun hums, masking his confusion. “So they had no evidence. Then what, hyung?”

It seems Daehyun is still staying quiet when he wants to speak. What a relief. 

“Well they asked why I pushed her off of me and I explained she was drunk and making a mistake… but they said it was still you know… harassment.” His voice drops a little lower on the word.

“It… sort of is?” Daehyun ponders the thought. “But… is it? She was the one not sober?”

“Exactly!” Jaewon nods fervently. “But it turned into a question of if I wanted to press charges-“

“And? What did you say?” Daehyun interrupts, shaking his arm. Jaewon smiles.

“I said no. What else would I have said?”

“I’m tired,” Daehyun yawns. “I should get ready for bed.”

“You go do that, it’s late,” Jaewon says, and smiles. Today had ended well enough, he’d like to think.

He knows he needs to meet Mr. Park tomorrow, but that’s a headache for future-Jaewon. There will be a fair bit to discuss.

And then something tells him he’s going to be appearing on a tabloid spread with his arms around a girl he’s never met very soon.

It seems that he’d forgotten this wasn’t a break. 

* * *

  
  


“Wyld, good morning,” Mr. Park greets. “I was going to call you at some point if you didn’t visit.” Jaewon is almost impressed by his own apathy. Did he ever have any opinions of this man? He takes a seat and with little preamble, begins their discussion.

“Good morning, sir. I figured you’d want to know what happened within the court,” Jaewon says. Mr. Park smiles and it almost makes Jaewon feel like he has no connection to this room. Why doesn’t he feel anything once he’s in here? Mr. Park only nods.

“I do. What did you say?”

“I testified that I didn’t eat or drink anything that night,” Jaewon states. And Mr. Park’s eyes sharpen from the short lived gentle smile of before as he leans in, searching his face.

“Did you? I told you not to commit any sort of perjury, Wyld.” There’s a soft threat in there, a smooth iron grip below the velvet glove. They both know that the glove’s just there for show and nothing more. But they don’t address that. 

“No,” Jaewon replies calmly. “I did not eat anything, nor did I drink anything. So no, I did not commit any sort of perjury.” It’s like he’s testifying for a second time. Mr. Park smiles, but it’s thin, a veiled threat. Jaewon doesn’t reply to that. So Mr. Park is the one to continue the conversation. 

“I see. That’s good. We don’t encourage any sort of law-breaking here at High Class Entertainment. Now, what happened after that?” Jaewon inclines his head slightly, acknowledging the praise for doing his job right. He doesn’t think Mr. Park is concerned about the law, just the investigation that comes with it. They’ve discussed that before, he believes. 

“I was then asked if I smoked or did any sort of drugs on the premises. I’ve confirmed in court that I do neither as a habit, in general. And I confirmed that I didn’t do it that night, either.” Mr. Park types something, eyes darting to the screen of his computer that Jaewon can’t see. Probably making a note of that. His fingers leave lasting clacks against the keys. If anything, Wyld is never going to be accused of doing drugs. 

“That’s important information, thank you. Excellent job bringing that to my attention. I think we should steer clear of any sort of questionable substance scandals, I take it?” Jaewon doesn’t answer the question. He knows it wasn’t actually aimed at him. 

“I said that along with the fact that I don’t drink very often, and I pass out when I do.” Jaewon tacks on. Drunk driving scandals are ruled out by that too. Mr. Park types something else, clearly another informal note. He finally looks back up at him, eyes serious, like Jaewon asked for something. Jaewon doesn’t _ask_ Mr. Park for much. The answer is going to be a no almost every time. 

“I see, that is important for media points. I’ll make sure that drinking detail becomes common knowledge. What else?” Ah- he assumed Jaewon was informing him to let everyone know. Which probably means another MAYHEMTV episode involving drinking. He makes a mental note to pretend to be surprised when that announcement comes. 

“I confirmed that I pushed her off of me because she couldn’t have consented whether or not she initiated it,” Jaewon reports. Mr. Park frowns.

“That’s a dubious point at best,” he remarks. 

“I’m aware, and they said that it was still harassment on her end if I were to press charges,” Jaewon reports. At the word “charges,” Mr. Park’s eyes narrow into serpentine slits. Jaewon can guess what he’s assuming. 

“Did you say you want to press charges? Because the company will not be paying for that legal drama.”

If he’s being fair, it _is_ a valid concern to the type of man who counts success in bills. He gets the sense that Mr. Park mostly expected him to be coming in here with a bill of some kind, and that was why he chose to come before he was called on. 

“No. You wanted this scandal over and done with,” Jaewon denies with a shake of his head. And Mr. Park smiles like everything is settled. That means there won’t be a problem. He waits for the inevitable dismissal. Odds are that Mr. Park wouldn’t have a scandal lined up just yet. 

He might be unorthodox in his media methods, but he isn’t reckless. 

“I see. In the future, stay away from any scandals that could involve drugs or smoking. I mean stay away from them… the way you’re supposed to be staying away from the club ones.” A flash of humor goes through Mr. Park’s eyes. Jaewon can’t seem to find it funny. In fact, for the first time since he entered this room, he feels anything at all.

Disgust. He’s disgusted by the man in front of him.

But still, he smiles politely at his boss. Because Mr. Park is still his boss, and he’s acutely aware of the difference in their power like this. So he just smiles. He hopes that it comes across as robotic as he needs to feel. He tilts his head like he’s a waiter, subservient and detached. 

“Of course, sir.”

“Alright, is there anything else to discuss about this case?” Mr. Park is watching him, reading his face for something that Jaewon isn’t sure he’s covering well enough. There’s almost something relieved and proud in his gaze and Jaewon feels sick under such a look. What is Mr. Park ever proud of him for? Surely he’s not proud of Jaewon. Right?

No. There’s no way. He’s proud of himself for all of this, isn’t he? Well, that’s none of Jaewon’s business how Mr. Park feels as long as he isn’t the one who pissed him off. If it gets taken out on him, it gets taken out on him. 

Jaewon pauses. He wants to ask about the scandals, if he’ll be doing them forever. He also isn’t sure that he wants to hear the answer. He braces himself like he’s scared. He’s not. But he doesn’t know what he’s going to get. He knows who Mr. Park is very well, and within there is that he can’t trust him to be consistent with his guesses for a minute. 

“Sir… will these scandals really be until we’re out of debt?” Mr. Park purses his lips. This isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation, he knows. 

“Are you asking if I intend to do this indefinitely? Probably not, not unless we lose a lot of money,” Mr. Park assures. Jaewon only nods.

“I see. And I’m assuming that my last scandal will be that none of the previous ones were real?”

“You’re catching on marvelously,” Mr. Park says, his voice bordering on a croon. Jaewon doesn’t react. 

“Then what of the girls who were paid to say what they did? What’s stopping them from saying you made them say what they have?” Mr. Park smiles, snakelike. 

“They’re under contract. They can’t say anything and we’ll act as legal assurance if someone tries to make them say anything.”

“So you do have a plan for when this ends,” Jaewon observes. Mr. Park throws back his head with a throaty laugh. He then stops to stare at him with stern, reprimanding eyes. 

“Of course I do, Wyld. What do you take me for?” Jaewon merely nods in acknowledgement. He doesn’t care too much about niceties but this man _is_ his boss. 

“Fair enough. What are the odds of the next comeback plus a couple of scandals finishing off our debt?”

“Small. _Very_ small. I wouldn’t get your hopes up. You would need at least four scandals the size of that previous one or larger to do that.”

“I see.” Jaewon nods and that ends their conversation. He can almost see the doors shut and they’re done. 

“Is that all? Then you’re dismissed.” Mr. Park waves his hand and for a second, Jaewon could almost swear he sees _pity_ in his face. Pity? 

He pauses, nearly doubling back to check again. No- that’s pity. 

Whatever for? It was Mr. Park’s own decision to turn Jaewon into the gambling chip he has become. It was Mr. Park’s decision to disregard anything that would have said that maybe this was wrong.

Jaewon notes, feeling no satisfaction or the cool space where rage used to sit, that Mr. Park really doesn’t have the _right_ to pity him. And he hasn’t ever felt a thing about that. 


	12. Chapter 12

He didn’t know if he’d ever run into her again, but he really ought to apologize for the whole mess. That’s just the right thing to do, after all.

And now...

He stops, eyes wide. It’s her. 

“Oh- Han Jangmi-ssi?” Jaewon stares, surprised. He’d hoped to find her to apologize for the whole mess. It seems they’d found each other. Or… well… the spectacle that was her car did.

It’s such a waste of food, to throw eggs at a car like this. They’re lucky nobody was inside, it’s deadly to do something like this. What if they hit someone? Or if Han Jangmi had been behind the wheel? If they had blocked her vision, there could have been a serious driving accident and multiple people could have been seriously injured or died. That’s an irresponsible action and frankly makes Jaewon want that person to be punished so as to not interfere with the daily lives of people like this again. This is just immature and he really hopes it was children that did something like this because he might lose a little bit of faith in adults if it’s not.

“Oh… Wyld-ssi? Hello. Um… my car…” Han Jangmi gapes at the sticky vehicle. Jaewon wishes she wouldn’t have to feel so sad. But he also doesn’t want her to tin it was him-

“I didn’t-”

“Oh, I know you didn’t do this,” Han Jangmi interrupts with a wave of her hand. “It’s probably that social justice warrior across the street who never reads past a headline to find a cause.”

“That’s harassment,” Jaewon notes. “Are you going to do anything about it?”

“Oh, I am _now,_ look at this mess!” Han Jangmi seethes. She runs a hand across the gummy egg yolks splattered across the surface of her car and her eyes narrow. “I’m taking pictures of this. Look, she even signed it! The audacity of this bitch!”

“This is just… awful. I’m so sorry about this,” Jaewon says. She turns and smiles lightly at him. 

“You didn’t do it to me, did you? It’s fine,” Han Jangmi sighs, running a hand through her hair. “They keep buckets and sponges in the garage and my car probably could use a wash.” He smiles at her, trying to be friendly. Truthfully, a part of him had been curious about her safety. The glint of Sohee’s knife in his mind’s eye reminds him that there's actual danger to cases like this one.

“Ah… well… how have you been? Since um… the court case?” Jaewon doesn’t want to just spit out an apology and leave, and he’s really hoping it’s not all been like this. Nobody should have to face eyes like those on them. Eyes with a burning hatred for a wrong you’ve never committed. 

“It’s been… strange. There are people asking me about this whole ordeal all the time and I have to explain it. And even if I was proven innocent, there are some people who are still convinced that… you know… did slip something in your drink,” she laughs. Even if there’s no evidence, and you backed me in court.

“I had been hoping to find you to apologize… you’re facing all of this…” Jaewon trails off, staring at the car. It’s a small economical car that’s clearly for work purposes. And it’s been trashed like this. It’s gross. 

“It’s okay really,” she laughs. “My friends and superiors know the truth. It hurts a little, but these people just think they’re doing the right thing. I’m not mad at the sheep, I blame the shepherds.” Jaewon shakes his head. 

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt you, or that they are actually doing the right thing. So, I’m sorry that all of this happened to you.” Jaewon bows, low at the waist. Han Jangmi shakes her head, eyes wide. Aah, was that a little too strong? He frowns, still. Her wellbeing is important too. 

“That’s not necessary, really.” Jaewon isn’t the strongest or firmest person he knows but he can easily say that he can be solid when it’s time to stand by his decisions. If anything can be said about him, it’s that he puts his money where his mouth is. And he made a decision to give her the apology that nobody else is going to. When it fades to the background what may or may not follow her won’t matter to the ones who inflicted this kind of pain on her. She is hurt, he can’t be hurt like that anymore. And knowing what that hurt is, even if it can’t touch him anymore, makes him pity her in ways he has not had the odd luxury to afford pity in for a long time. He’s always cared about being kind, but how could he have been able to pity the people who live their first world lives beside him? What an odd sort of luxury. But he appreciates it nonetheless. 

“I owe you an apology, and you deserve one. It probably will blow over and nobody will remember but… I can’t imagine that it’ll be peaceful in the meantime. And… well.. nobody else will apologize for all of this so-” Han Jangmi shakes her head, a smile on her face.

“Well, for starters, I’m fine. Or at least… I will be fine. But… thanks, I appreciate it. Jaewon-ssi… oh, uh Wyld-ssi? Some of the stars I’ve worked with in the past prefer to be called by their stage names.”

“You can just call me Jaewon, no honorifics necessary,” he insists. Han Jangmi nudges him with her elbow, a playful grin on her lips. She smiles over her shoulder, hair swaying with her loose and free strides that he’s just noticed almost look like bouncing. He wishes he could feel that light and untouched. He’s in awe of her, to be honest. How… elastic she can be.

His mind almost drifts back to high school physics class at the word “elastic,” and how it's used to describe crashes. _Perfectly elastic collisions are impossible, something will always take some of the energy that came in._ He wonders, for a moment, why that’s what stuck with him even now, years later.

“Hmm… I’ll call you oppa then, ‘cuz we’re friends now!”

He’s just majorly relieved that she doesn’t hate him for this. And he admires her once again. Before it had been for how free she was, but now he admires her strength. One day, can he be like that? Able to bounce back and smile after all the pain and fear? Well, not like they’ll be hurting him very much. So, a small and hopeful part of himself whispers, he can be as cool as she is one day. 

“Sure thing… um... Jangmi?”

“My friends call me Rose,” she teases. And it’s just nice to have a friend who’s like that. So he smiles and laughs. Because he’s _happy._ Then he remembers the eggs oozing across the surface of the car beside them. It’s kind of hard not to notice. Who would do something like this? There is some kind of animal meat spread in a thick paste across the mirrors. And there’s bright red lipstick used as a pen to write crue and untrue things in a harsh, angry script. Simply put… someone just defaced this woman’s property. In some pretty nasty ways.

“Let me help you clean this up-”

“It’s fine, oppa,” Rose insists. But Jaewon knows it's okay to be firm on this. 

“Come on, two people can clean a car faster than one,” he insists. She tries to glare, but it collapses into a sigh. 

“Okay.”

They head inside the garage of the building, and Jaewon gets his hands on two buckets and sponges. How handy of them to leave that for them.

He fills one bucket with water and soap, and the other with clear, cool water. She returns with paper towels, and they set to work. Some of the egg had already dried, crusting against the car. Ew. 

“Thanks… by the way. For not pressing charges, I mean.” Rose doesn’t look up from the windshield she’s scrubbing, and Jaewon can see the sadness in her features. 

“You made a mistake, you were the one under the influence, not me,” Jaewon shakes his head. “How can I hold that against you?” She looks down, and he realizes she's crying. But he makes no move to touch her. He doesn’t think that’s what she wants. She looks up at him, eyes red and a small smile masking a lot more hurt that she’s willing to divulge. Jaewon won’t mention it if she doesn’t want him too.

“I don’t even remember what happened after I drank that first shot… I was just happy, you know? And now that feeling feels…”

“Like a crime?” Jaewon fills in. She looks up at him, stunned. “I know what you mean.”

“The life of a star is so repressed, people lie about what you guys say and do,” she sighs. “The actors in dramas I work on… I’m a makeup artist. I’ve had to cover enough nights of lost sleep and traces of tears in eyes. I know that you’re often innocent, or what you’d done doesn’t warrant the backlash you get.” She shakes her head, smiling a little more. He looks up from the finished door and sees that working on the window, now. Jaewon thinks back to the courtroom and remembers what she had said to the judge.

“You said that you work as a makeup artist for a drama?”

“Yeah, its pilot just aired last week... and everyone was saying nice things.... My friends said I should celebrate. Little did I know,” Rose laughs. “I don’t even know who else I kissed. Her voice drops to a conspiratorial whisper. “I had hickies on my neck. Ah… I’m sure drunk me had a lot of fun out there.”

He probably shouldn’t poke a memory she can’t access. But he still prods.

“You don’t know if you kissed anyone else?”

“You know that the cameras didn’t catch anything of me that night,” she groans. “I wish it had, I do vaguely remember the guy being a good kisser.”

Jaewon doesn't know how to respond to that, so he just laughs. Well, at least his research paid off? But he thinks that he might want to change the subject. He dips a sponge in the eggy, soapy water and makes an attempt to clean off the traces of egg that thankfully hadn't coated the tires.

“Can you tell me more about the drama you mentioned? It sounds like you’re really proud of it!”

“Oh, sure! I was working with this really sweet girl playing a bubbly aspiring actress. I got to play with her makeup styles for more scenes, because she’s the only one who got to wear showy makeup. Going wild was so much fun,” she gushes. “Can I just say this? I almost wish I worked with idols just because of how much fun your makeup team must have?” Jaewon smiles. She’s actually kind of fun to talk to.

“Ah, but the hours? Not so fun,” he admits. She frowns , looking tired.

“Well… night shoots and early morning shoots suck too?”

“Oh and filming on location?” Jaewon gasps eagerly, he finally has someone to commiserate with! Minsoo is always die-hard focused, Dongho doesn’t care, and he a’t complain to their maknae. He’s never gotten to discuss how much he dislikes those shoots. It’s not comfortable and the weather doesn’t help a ounce. Rose nods adamantly. 

“Oh that’s the absolute worst!”

“And then the director wants bad weather or the cold? Or the winter shoots when they use real snow?” Jawon shakes his head. He saw a music video where a sunbaenim of his had to stik his face in the snow. It looked cold. She sighs, shaking her head.

“Or worse, somehow, is that fake snow that smells like rubber and antiseptic?” Oh that on?

“I think we used that for a Christmas shoot. The entire room smelled like a dentist’s office!”

“It _does_ smell like a dentist’s office! You’re right and you should say it,” Rose laughs. And a giddy part of Jaewon realizes that he’s having fun. Everything is okay for a minute. He gets the last of the egg off of the bumper and starts on the roof. Ah, they’re almost done! She gives him a sidelong glance from where she’s scrubbing some still-goopy egg off of the rear window.

“I saw the picture of that night and I do have to ask, who does your makeup on off days?” he grins, now this is something he knows makeup artists like: makeup shop talk. And he had gotten to a point where he can sort of participate? 

“Oh, I do!”

“That’s so cool! I actually really like the under-eye detail. Have you ever considered experimenting with glitter?” She asks. Jaewon frowns. Daehyun’s reaction to glitter could be fine, Minsoo is a wild card as well. They’d either yell at him for the mess or laugh and ask him to do their makeup. But Dongho? He can’t say he sees a positive reaction. Glitter gets _everywhere._

“I think Dongho hyung would be pretty mad if I got glitter everywhere,” he admits. Rose snickers before her face falling into something that’s almost mournful.

“Why can’t it be easy to use?” Rose laments. “I’d have so much fun using it as everyday makeup otherwise!”

“Maybe I should use stick-on gems though? Or colorful eyeliner?” He asks her, half wondering out loud. But she grabs his arm and nods fervently. 

“Yes! Do that! Oh that’s so much fun, but be careful that you’re not being sold lip stuff. I yelled at a company that sold me a green lip liner as an eyeliner. Someone could get really hurt that way! You can’t just market one thing as something else because you think it’ll be trendier? It’s not a sound business practice,” Rose laughs. “But I do have to ask how you’ve kept your hair such a clean red since debut!”

“My scalp suffers,” Jaewon whispers like it’s a secret. She laughs.

“I can imagine! All that bleach is… probably not fun. But the red is so iconic, if I saw you without the red hair or makeup, I probably wouldn’t recognize you!” Jaewon smiles. All the 

“I actually go barefaced most places but… I’d wanted to go check out the publicity opportunities in Itaewon,” Jaewon muses. 

“Oh, like the coffee shops that let people busk? People don’t frequent those ones as much at night,” Rose shakes her head. “But I’m guessing you intended to go to the coffee shop across the street. They make the best coffee cake.. Ah, I shouldn’t let my friend hear that. She runs a coffee shop.”

“A small business? Cool! Ah, I think we did it!”

“I think it’s actually by the High Class Entertainment building? Maybe we’ll bump into each other one of these days! Oh yeah… we did it!” Jaewon laughs, picking up the eggy soapy water bucket and emptying it into the dirt, following it with the once clean water. “Maybe,” Jaewon acknowledges once he returns. She picks up the sponges and walks with him as he carries the buckets to hose them off. 

“But wait.. Back to the red hair, what color would you prefer? I mean… red doesn’t seem like your thing,” Rose says, and he realizes he’s walking too fast for her. So he slows down as he thinks about it. 

“Maybe black or brown?”

“No! Don’t be boring! Pick an unnatural color! Go crazy!” He stares at her, and notices the cherry blossom shade of her hair. 

“Blonde?”

“What about pink?” She grins. “I think I’ve seen you in pink?”

“I think I’d like blue, if I had to dye it again,” Jaewon admits. Her eyes light up with excitement.

“Like electric blue?”

“Like a navy blue, maybe. Or ocean blue,” Jaewon laughs. Rose pouts. What a free spirit, even while sober. She stares at him, eyes roving up his face, seemingly looking for something, before stepping back with a decisive nod. 

“Okay, I feel like that would look way too good on you. HCE! You’re wasting such potential here!” Jaewon chokes on a laugh, shocked. 

“Wasting potential?”

“Yeah, they ought to give you a lilac or a cute color at least!” Rose huffs. “Idols get to do bright and fun colors when it comes to hair! It’s basically a part of the job! And you have a great skin tone for bright colors! Your company shouldn’t waste such a great opportunity with repetitive styles!”

“Well… MAYHEM’s concept is.. Not exactly a cute kind of concept?”

“Fair enough,” she pouts. “I actually have to go now. But thanks for helping me deal with… all that egg.”

“Of course and… I’m really sorry about all of this.” Jaewon apologizes again, and he sees a fond smile in Rose's exasperated head shake.

“It’s really not your fault!” Rose pats his head, hand sticky with egg. “Well, see you around!”

“Drive safely!” Jaewon’s call might have been lost under the roar of the car’s engine. But he still waits until the car disappears from sight. 

And then he smiles to himself. He's just made a new friend!

Maybe they’ll see each other in the coming days. He hopes they can. Ah, he has been thinking about hope a fair bit, hasn’t he? Well, he supposes that after everything else, through every calamity, it’s the one thing humanity refuses to let go of. He opens the door to their dorm and his thoughts are broken by the sudden pain stabbing into his foot. Ah, he stepped on something. It’s not sharp, but the ball of his foot aches a bit. He really is accident prone when it comes to his left leg, isn’t he? He makes a mental note to take some pain medication if it still hurts later. 


	13. Chapter 13

_Hey! Hey you!_

Jaewon blinks. 

_Yeah! You!_

It’s a voice that… sort of sounds like him? 

_I’m trying to talk to you here! Is our signal being received? Weeee wooooooh!_

Is this what it means to talk to yourself? Isn’t there a thing about hearing voices? Because he definitely can hear that.

_Excellent! Hello! We’re your emotions!_

His emotions? Even the ones that he had shut off?

 _Oh that noise? You’re free from that now!_ A voice that he’s pretty sure belongs to “joy” chirps. It just feels like happiness when he hears it. It reminds him quite a bit of Daehyun when he wants to cheer him up. He thinks he likes that one. 

_Thank you!_

Which emotions are here? There were quite a few switches on the box… are- were all of them there at one point?

_Well, you’ve met me, I’m your happiness!_

_I’m your sense of duty,_ another voice cuts in. A third voice chimes in with a soft lilt.

 _Love and I- oh… I’m your compassion by the way!_ He smiles, how was he ever lonely if he’d had little friends sitting on his shoulder the whole time?

 _I can give you an answer that, actually,_ Duty steps in. _The amount of power we have- and our ability to get in touch with you is a limited resource. Unless one of us manages to gain exclusive strength for a moment, for the most part we can't contact you._

 _Duty, sadness, and loneliness were the strongest before! But now there’s plenty of room for all of us,_ Compassion supplies. 

Jaewon still isn’t quite sure how to react to all of this. 

Think of it this way, Joy laughs. You’re never going to feel alone again!

 _That was a given,_ a new voice chimes in dryly. _He put Loneliness to sleep, remember?_

 _That’s Disgust,_ Duty supplies before Jaewon even has to ask. _Physical and moral. Justice is gone but Disgust does its job well enough._

So all of his emotions can just… speak to him now?

 _Not exactly,_ Compassion says and its voice is… almost soothing. _Thank you Jaewonnie! The way work was like before, unless we all get in touch with you at once, you’re likely only gonna hear us loudly when you're feeling a particular emotion! If it’s intense enough, you’ll hear us really really loudly!_

 _Yeah, it isn’t gonna be like… some kind of open radio channel in the back of your head. More like we pop in every so often to offer our opinions… I guess? It won’t be a problem, I’m sure of it,_ Joy reassures. _But we can talk now! Like about our new friend!_

 _Do we have to waste our power on this?_ Disgust’s voice is almost a whine. _This feels like it’s not worth my effort._

 _You’re supposed to be the embodiment of Jaewon’s disgust, not his laziness._ A new voice joins in… which emotion is tha- _Call me Want or Desire!_

 _Hey, settle down, please we need to get along,_ Duty and Compassion chorus in a single moment. Compassion sounds more calming but Duty seems to be keeping everyone else in check.

So we have a new friend, right? Jaewon tries posing it like he’s saying it out loud. He can almost feel Joy patting his cheek for the effort. He smiles, this… isn’t that bad.

 _We should try to get her number and talk more,_ Compassion shyly adds. _That way she knows we want to be friends with her._

 _Don’t forget that your number is technically precious information,_ Duty sighs. _It’s okay to have friends, don’t get me wrong. You just… you need to be careful about it._

 _There’s nothing wrong with friends, you just have a second spine,_ Want drawls.

A… what now?

 _A stick up your ass,_ Duty translates dryly. Jaewon stops short, if his emotions are the ones talking… is he even capable of saying that?

 _Not really,_ Want laughs. _I’m you when you want something desperately and impulsively. But I’m never strong enough to have like… full control. You’re more likely to notice when I’m gone with the way things are. Hey, Jaewon, can I-_

 _That wasn’t the purpose of this,_ Duty cuts in smoothly. _We just realized we could finally get your attention in conversation so we decided to give you a call._

 _But can we please talk about the new friend? Just for a little while?_ Compassion pleads and Duty gives in.

_Fine._

_She’s awesome! And strong!_ Joy immediately begins. _She’s gonna be a great friend!_

 _I think she’ll be fun to talk to,_ Compassion agrees. _We could use a few more friends, don’t you think?_

 _And, old Duty here won’t have to be as worried about her sway with the media! A barista or makeup artist’s word is almost never enough to topple an artist’s_ bad _image!_ Want tacks on. _They’d only be a problem if we were secretly so much worse. And we aren’t!_

 _That’s… fair,_ Duty acquiesces. 

_Mental health relies on social interaction, you know?_ Want’s voice almost evokes the mental image of a pout. 

He’s really going to talk about mental health with the voices in his head, isn’t he.

This is fine. 

_Hey, don’t judge, man!_ Joy ribs carefully, teasing the way Jaewon is prone to doing when he wants to fit in with happy moods. Compassion grips his lungs and holds fast. The voice is almost firm, scolding. 

_We wouldn’t judge, right Jaewon?_

They wouldn’t, right? No. They don’t like to judge.

 _Unless it’s a really… a really bad person. Like someone evil. Then it’s worth it!_ Want laughs. _Right?_

Compassion giggles. _Makes sense. But maybe we should keep that to a minimum._

He wonders if he’s ever met anyone remotely evil in his entire life. Mr. Park? No- cold, maybe. Callous or capricious. The type to use and throw away.

But evil? No.

 _Ah, by the way!_ Disgust cuts in. _Who throws raw eggs at cars! That was gross! That is totally evil!_

 _I’m just glad we were able to help her, though,_ Joy’s voice overlaps with Compassion’s. His feelings aren’t perfectly separate domains, he supposes. 

The voices sound a little fainter now. 

“Jaewoooooon!” A voice breaks the moment, and he opens his eyes. They had been closed? 

Ah, maybe that conversation was a dream. What a strange dream it had been. 

He opens his eyes, and yeah, it was a dream. Or at least… he had been asleep for it. He’s in his bed, and Minsoo is grinning down at him. Why is he on top of Jaewon like that? Minsoo hops off of him, a bright grin on his face. 

“Good morning to one Mr. Fancy Pants Legal Man! How are you feeling today?”

“I’m doing great!” Jaewon tries to match Minoo’s cheer, but it shatters as he yawns loudly. Minsoo laughs.

“Cute,” Minsoo chuckles, reaching up to ruffle his hair. “Sorry we couldn’t be here to chat. I take it that everything went well?” Jaewon nods with a smile. It’s nice to see him in a good mood. It hasn’t really returned since ISC. But he seems… oddly happier. Maybe Jaewon should check in on how he’s feeling about Minsung-ssi. Oh- Minsoo is waiting for an answer about how the court case went. Well… everything was perfectly fine.

 _Better than fine!_ Joy chirps. He smiles. So it wasn’t a dream, how exciting!

“Yup!”

“Can we pick your brain?” Minsoo grins. “What’s a courtroom like?” 

“Minsoo, he’s probably rehashed the time in court a dozen times,” Dongho says, leaning on the doorframe. “Give the guy a break.” Minsoo huffs, glaring at him.

“And? We can ask too. Jaewon is our friend!”

Since when? Jaewon’s own logic questions. But he smiles anyway.

 _He said that we’re friends!_ Joy practically screams. 

“Lawyers aren’t fun, Minsoo,” Dongho says. “They’re assholes.”

“I know that,” Minsoo frowns. “But it doesn’t sound like it went badly?”

 _Ah, we should cheer them up,_ Compassion and Duty comment at the same time. Jaewon agrees with them (him?) and steps in between the two eldest members.

“I don’t mind rehashing it! I’m sure you all have questions anyway!”

“I already know everything there is to know!” Daehyun boasts. “I learned it first this time!”

“Quiet, maknae,” Dongho teases. “How are you feeling as it is, Jaewon? We were so out of sync for the past two days… the company had us busy.”

 _Oh, I see. They wanted to make sure the members were too busy to worry,_ Compassion hums. Duty is less forgiving.

_Or it’s to make sure they don’t say anything right away to keep the media from pecking them over._

“I’m good! So… I guess Dae already told you some stuff?”

“Han Jangmi, right?” Daehyun smirks at Minsoo. He’s teasing him with how he knows more than him. Is this payback for knowing about their dorm last? Jaewon doesn’t want to become a point of conflict… 

_Then steer it away,_ Want cuts in. _If you want to change the subject, change it._

“She said her friends call her Rose!”

 _Uh ...well, you tried?_ Want’s response nearly makes him laugh. All three of them whirl around to face him.

“You met her again?” Minsoo questions carefully. “Where?”

“I ran into her by that studio near our dorm, someone egged her car,” Jaewon explains. Minsoo chokes.

“What?”

“Like… threw raw eggs at her car,” he restates. Dongho shakes his head.

“Childish,” he murmurs. Daehyun claps his hands together, already catching on.

“So you helped her clean it off, hyung?”

“Yeah and I apologized because this is partially, if not all, on me,” he adds. All three of them gape at him like he had just said something outrageous.

He supposed it may sound that way to someone who doesn’t know the truth. But Jaewon doesn’t plan on telling it to them. 

_It’s better this way. You’re doing your job,_ Duty reminds. And it’s a cold comfort.

 _But still, knowing this would hurt them,_ Love murmurs. _It’s better if they know nothing at all._

 _Is it?_ Compassion asks so quietly he barely notices it. But he does either way. _I wonder, is it?_

“Nobody is going to apologize to her for all of this. They’re just gonna move past it like it never happened unless something similar comes up.” Jaewon shakes his head. “She doesn’t deserve that. Nobody does.”

 _It’s just doing the responsible thing_ , Duty chimes in. 

_And the kind thing!_ Compassion adds on. _Make your mama proud!_

My, they’re really in agreement, those two are. 

“Oh… so she’s a makeup artist, like you said?”

Jaewon nods, making Daehyun grin. 

“Yeah, and she’s really nice!”

“Did you get her… I’m sorry, Han Jangmi-ssi’s number?” Dongho asks. There’s something careful in his voice. Duty reminds him quickly.

_He’s asking if she got your number. Or your address. Or anything that could be used to hunt you down. Your personal information is a commodity, remember?_

_And odds are… he’s worried about another Sohee incident,_ Love reminds glumly. Jaewon freezes, Dongho is probably worried about him. That’s actually… really sweet of him.

 _Let’s reassure him, then,_ Compassion tacks on.

“We didn’t exchange numbers, no. Maybe next time!”

“I see,” Dongho hums. “Well, it’s nice to make friends. Just be careful.”

Jaewon nods.

Dongho stands up and heads for the door, and Daehyun follows him. Jaewon watches them leave.

Minsoo doesn’t. 

Is now the best time? Maybe not. But if they’re being separated like this… now is his chance. So Jaewon takes it.

“Ah… Minsoo hyung? Can we talk?” Minsoo turns to him, concerned. 

“Sure, is something the matter? Is this about the case?” Jaewon stops, stunned. 

_He… really does care about us, even if he’s not sure how to show it, huh,_ Love murmurs in the same soft tone as ever. Jaewon swallows hard, Love is right, and he doesn’t know what he feels about that. In theory. 

They’d gone from strangers to… this so quickly. What even are they? Are they friends? Bandmates the way they should have been from the start? And how is that everything changed in a moment? Because Jaewon… just because Jaewon was willing to listen in that one moment. And isn’t that all it takes? To make a single decision? 

“I was more… going to ask how you were. After ah… after ISC,” Jaewon mumbles. Minsoo laughs and sits back down. 

“I can’t just be obsessed with my brother. He hurts me every time we collide and I always pull away feeling like that’s my fault for getting hurt. Am I obsessed with him? Is it on me? Who knows? And honestly? Who cares? I know myself, I’ll get caught up in the same things,” Minsoo sighs. “It’s nigh cyclical.”

“Sometimes we do need to let feelings go,” Jaewon agrees, acutely aware of the device in the dresser across the room. 

“I’m impulsive, you know? I make my choices on the fly and jump to reach for things. Maybe I seem like I change directions a thousand times a day, but… I don’t. Jaewon, have you ever really, really wanted something?”

“Yeah,” he whispers. 

_I’d know,_ Want snickers. _We want a lot of things. And Minsoo hyungie to be happy is high up on that list._

 _It’s why we need to fix this,_ Duty says. 

_Comforting him… will it work?_ Compassion itself seems unsure, but a quiet voice, thin but strong, makes them stop.

_It will have to._

He… he’s never heard that voice before. It’s an emotion that he hasn’t been in tune with, maybe? No, the emotions that never affected him are off. So what is it? 

_That’s your hope! Hope… it kinda just comes in when we’re all a little too loud… though I guess it’s different now with so many of us gone,_ Joy explains. _Hope kinda hangs out at the bottom until it's needed. Quietly, like a mouse!_

 _Mice!_ Compassion coos. _How cute!_

 _Are you trying to change the subject?_ Duty asks dryly.

 _Is it working?_ Compassion asks.

 _No,_ Duty deadpans. _No it is not._

“And have you ever had to ask yourself if maybe you can never have it, if maybe you should just let it go?”

The voices disappear from reach. For a brief minute, he’s completely alone.

And then the small voice from before comes back.

_If you can let it go, maybe you had it in the first place and never realized it._

He thinks about it. About how he had to evaluate his relationships with people versus their happinesses. About how he chose their happiness over his own.

 _We wanted them to be happy,_ Want whispers, uncharacteristically quiet. _Their happiness is ours. Maybe it’s selfish of us to do it… to do all of these scandals and sign up for all of this mess... for that kind of a reason... but we chose what we went after. And this is what we chose._

 _You can’t have everything, you need to pick,_ Duty agrees. _And you only ever realize that when you stand at the crossroads and make your choice. When you have to live with the consequences of what you chose._

 _It’s because they’re special, we value them!_ Love giggles. And there’s warmth in his chest. 

“Yeah, I have,” he tells him, and he smiles. 

Minsoo nods, sending him a commiserating look. And then he shocks him with the one thing Jaewon had wanted him to do. He smiles. But this smile… it’s not right. It’s weak and it’s bitter and it’s very out of place on the face of Lee Minsoo, leader of MAYHEM, spitfire and flickering energy. 

He’s a wildfire, but when he’s subdued like this, he’s basically a candle under a glass jar, and he can’t do a single thing as it stutters and falters and disappears. He swallows hard. It doesn’t make sense... for someone like Minsoo to smile like that. It’s a smile that may as well be a sob. 

And yet Jaewon has seen that… that awful smile multiple times now. It’s a smile that caps off tears, a smile that masks everything with a thin shell of “okay.” Jaewon knows that smile very, very well. 

He’s worn it himself, so many times. 

Isn’t this what all of this has been for? To make sure that it was only ever him? To make sure that it was him who was the only one to get hurt? 

It’s a little irrational, he admits, but it’s his own goal. 

_Things like this… they are a bit inevitable, Jaewon. You protect them from all the hurt that you can, but that doesn’t mean that you can protect them from everything that hurts,_ Duty soothes. 

_It doesn’t mean that we don’t want to,_ Compassion sighs. _We really care about these guys, don’t we?_

 _So we do,_ Love hums quietly, voice thrumming in his chest, reverberating waves of warmth that Jaewon appreciates. _So we do._

“It’s not an easy thing to do, and it’s not a linear sort of giving up. You can’t just… drop something like that. Not when it’s a goal that pushed you for so long. I’m stubborn, giving up isn’t… it’s not exactly my thing,” Minsoo admits. “I’m aware of where I’m lacking, but it’s not always fixed by awareness alone.”

“I like that you’re stubborn and you’re willing to go after the impossible,” Jaewon admits. “You’re the one who’s going to speak up when we think it’s hopeless, you’re the one who tells us to get back on our feet and try again. There’s a reason they made you leader, out of all of us.”

Minsoo stares at him, eyes wide.

 _Did we help?_ Compassion asks gently, almost gingerly. He doesn’t know. 

“Thank you, Jaewon,” he finally whispers, voice almost lost in his own breath. He smiles at him, and Jaewon pulls him in for a hug. Minsoo seems to need it. If there’s a wet patch on his shoulder, Jaewon doesn’t have to mention it.

 _I think we did,_ Duty says.


	14. Chapter 14

Minsoo rises to his feet with a heavy sigh, and he smiles at him over his shoulder. It’s a warm thing.

“You know, you’re a lot nicer than people ever gave you credit for,” he tells him. It’s like Minsoo had his own sort of epiphany in that moment. He doesn’t have any particular idea as to what kind. But it seems to make him happy, so he’ll let it lie. Jaewon sits there for a moment, just thinking.

Minsoo is like the way he used to be, in that he feels far too much. He feels a sudden flash of pity for him. A life where how you feel just knocks you over, coming in like an icy riptide. It feels like your own emotions are a constant antagonist in your own life. He needs someone to talk some sense into him, sometimes. Ah, he’s digressing, isn’t he?

Digressing from _what?_

He needs far more caffeine in his brain than he currently has. Jaewon steps out of the dorm, unsure of where to go next. He’s sort of untethered at the moment. How is he handling all of… this- this new development?

His emotions are _speaking_ to him at the oddest points. What kind of movie has his life become? It appears that stunned and incredulous don’t have switches on the device… or voices in his head. Nice to know that's never going to go away. He notes that for the most part, the voices… they’re kind of quiet. They must be waiting for something.

Ah, well, whatever that something _is,_ it can wait. He heads down the sidewalk to Coffee Temple, and the sight alone makes something bright and happy hum in his chest.

 _Our friends are there!_ Joy cheers. And that’s it, really. His friends. 

_It’s nice, I think, that we have people who don’t care that we’re Wyld,_ Love agrees in that quiet warm voice it always manages to keep. _They’re like a little refuge from Wyld, aren’t they?_ He smiles at that thought. The Coffee has become his sanctuary. How fitting, when it has that kind of a name.

 _Just don’t forget…_ Duty’s reminder fades to a gentle buzz in the back of his head as gets closer. That’s probably the first time Duty’s omnipresent voice has lost a bit of power over him. He smiles as soon as he sees this place, doesn’t he? And maybe it’s silly to be happy at the sight of a coffee shop, but it’s not the shop itself that makes him happy-

 _It’s the people inside! They’re what makes us happy!_ Joy agrees. _They’re so great, aren’t they?_

He opens the doors and is greeted by the sight of Jiho bickering with Taehyuk while Nari noona and Jun watch, amused. Standing among the group is another familiar face. 

It’s Rose. Han Jangmi. The woman from the nightclub and the court case and the scandal and the egged car and the- well, everything that’s been happening lately. 

It’s her.

 _What are the odds?_ Joy cheers. _Now all our friends are friends… well, they were friends before. So maybe it’s more like now all their friends are friends?_

He makes the connection immediately. His Rose is the same as the artist Jangmi who worked on a drama with Jiho. Rose’s coffee shop owner friend is probably Nari noona. Nari noona is there, and she isn’t looking at him. 

They haven’t noticed him yet. So Jaewon watches them for a moment. And as he does, he notices a guy with tousled hair in the same uniform as Jun beside Jiho. Is that his boyfriend, Sungmin? Jaewon walks up to the group and smiles at them. He turns to Rose specifically.

“Oh, Rose! Hello!” Rose turns, eyes wide. 

“Hi, Jaewon oppa! How have you been?” 

“I’m good, and how about you?”

“I’ve been better but… it’s a vast improvement from four days ago. Anyway! So your favorite place was Coffee Temple, huh?” Rose’s voice dips low with mischief, but Jaewon just laughs.

“Yeah!” 

Nari noona gapes at them, eyes darting between the two. She seems…. somewhat anxious? Oh-

 _It makes sense… you’re both her friends and the first time she ever sees your faces beside each other is the scandal and the news… we should make sure she knows everything is fine now! We don’t want Nari noona to think that there’s bad blood between us and Rose,_ Compassion decides. _There shouldn’t be any, right? We’re all good, aren’t we? She seems to think we are, anyway._ Nari clears her throat awkwardly. 

“So… um… you guys have spoken? Since the uh… scandal and court case?”

“Some fucker egged my car the other day, so he helped me clean it off,” Rose explains. “While insisting that he apologize for someone else’s actions because nobody else will be for the whole mess.”

“Makes sense,” Nari noona sighs.

“Yeah, I see it. That sounds just like him,” Taehyuk says with a laugh.

“Why does that seem on-brand?” Jiho rubs the bridge of his nose. “This boy is a literal marshmallow. Sweet and impossibly soft.”

 _We have a reputation!_ Joy trills. _And it’s for being kind!_

 _It… this reputation needs to stay among our friends only though,_ Duty seems subdued when it speaks up. A reminder, ever-present in the back of his mind. Sometimes, he needs to be Wyld and Jaewon needs to disappear.

 _They won’t tell anyone, right? We can trust them,_ Compassion whispers.

 _We’re going to have to,_ Duty grits out.

“Scandals look like something they’re not most of the time. It’s important for the people close to you to know the truth,” Jun drawls, eyes narrowed.

He says it staring at him. 

_Jun might have figured us out,_ Duty frowns. _We may have to cut him off._

 _He’s our friend,_ Love and Compassion argue.

“How weird of you to say that, Junnie,” Taehyuk comments. “Whatever could you be referring to?”

Jun doesn’t say anything for a moment. He watches Jaewon instead, like he’s waiting for something. Some kind of confession.

 _He’s figured us out… or at the very least, he figured out that the scandals aren’t true,_ Duty murmurs, a warning.

 _Dongho knows that much about us,_ Love argues.

 _Dongho is a bandmate, he would have had to know that to help us with Sohee. And even then I warned against it, Want just got to him first,_ Duty retorts. 

_He is pretty powerful when he pops in,_ Joy agrees.

“Oh! He’s trying to ask Jaewon about his scandals in that tsundere roundabout way of his!” Jiho laughs. “Honey, it’s so obvious that this complete sweetie wouldn’t play with girls.”

 _They’re treading a little too close… if we don’t want to lose them we might have to lie,_ Duty says it warily. Like its arguments could be argued against. And it is.

 _Can’t they just know? They’re not going to say anything without permission,_ Compassion pleads. Duty’s retort is biting.

_How can we be so sure? Anything about Wyld is a gold mine to the press. Anything about you is worth a pretty penny._

And Compassion falls silent. Love does not.

 _We trust them,_ Love argues. _Jun has our number as it is._

 _Do we trust anyone? Can we trust anyone with that information? Secrets are secrets for a reason,_ Duty argues. And he doesn’t know what to do.

“Oh, please, Jiho,” Jun snorts. “That wasn’t what I was implying.” Jiho frowns at him.

“What could you have been implying?”

“I can wager a guess,” Rose says grimly. “But if you don’t want to talk about it, Jaewon oppa, let’s just not.” 

“What can I get you? Usual iced americano?” Jun changes the subject easily, and he looks at him gratefully.

“That would be great, thank you,” he says, taking a couple hundred won bills from his wallet.

Jun hums and takes the bills, putting them in the register with practiced ease. It makes a loud clang as if to thank them for the meal.

“You don’t need to pay, you know. Friend discount is basically just free,” Jun tells him. Jaewon shakes his head.

“It’s part of supporting a business! Besides-” he giggles. Now is a good point to make a joke at his expense, to fit in with the teasing energy of the room. So he does- “I drink enough coffee that if you gave it to me for free, I’d run this store into the ground! So I’ll just pay instead.”

They all laugh loudly at that.

It’s a success!

“Listen, I’m certainly not gonna stop you if you want to give me money,” Nari noona says, still laughing. Jun just shakes his head and slides the drink across the counter. Jaewon catches it and smiles up at him.

“Thanks!”

“It’s no problem,” Jun says, almost on instinct. 

“Awww! It’s the customer service voice!” Jiho laughs. “Something has finally tamed our Junnie-pie!”

“Go die in a hole, Jiho,” Jun snarls. Jiho just laughs.

“If I do, will you finally wear eyeshadow at my funeral?”

“I’ll wear it just to spit on your grave,” Jun grunts. Nari noona looks between them, confused.

“Wait… what’s this about eyeshadow?” Rose rolls her eyes and Jiho jumps to his feet with a loud declaration.

“I want him to wear eyeshadow!”

“What’s the offer? Money? You need something of value,” Taehyuk points out. Jaewon looks at him. Jun… he would look pretty in eyeshadow. Something bright and pretty.

 _Ask him! I wanna see!_ Want hisses. Jaewon bites his lip and pulls Jun’s sleeve. 

“Hey… Jun… could I do your eyeshadow sometime?”

Jun looks away.

“...fine,” he grunts. Jaewon’s eyes widen. Really?

 _This is awesome! We’re gonna get to do his makeup!_ Joy sreeches. Oh- he’s excited! Jiho seems more agitated than anything else, though. 

“Are they fucking? What power does this boy _have_ over Jun?!” Jiho screeches. “I’ve been trying for _years_ and he only has to ask _once?!”_

“Look at those deer eyes and then look me in the eyes and say you could ever say no to him,” Nari noona snorts. Love says nothing, but it burns a warmth in his chest that he can't ignore.

Jaewon takes a long sip and looks at the other, unnamed person. He has nice hair, it’s dark and pushed away from his forehead. He’s a tall man, and the dark shadow on his lids smudges his eyes into something catlike. He bows lightly in greeting.

“So… this is Sungmin-ssi?”

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” the apparent Sungmin returns the bow. He feels something bordering on electricity, it’s a giddiness. He’s sure of it.

“Isn’t he cute?” Jiho coos, pulling at his arm. “Baby, this is Jaewon! Do you remember that one idol with the stage outfits thatI wanted you to try?” Sungmin gapes, finally noticing the scarlet hair on his head.

 _He didn’t notice! That’s great!_ Joy cheers. _He didn’t immediately see a playboy!_

 _I kind wish that was always the case,_ Want replies dryly. _But I suppose this can be enough for now._

“The ones that looked like bondage gear?”

 _“Sungmin!”_ Jun hisses the name between his teeth, a threat. Sungmin raises his hands defensively, stepping back. He shoots a apologetic glance at him before carefully sucking in a breath and responding

 _We should make sure he isn’t scared of us…_ Compassion muses. _I don’t like it when people are scared of us._

“Sorry? But I didn’t lie, bro. You wear chokers and chains and belts and I’m half certain I've seen you in a harness before. And that corset? Buddy… it’s bondage gear,” Sungmin declares. Jiho _cackles_ , clapping his hands together and laughing so hard that he falls off of the stool he’s sitting on.

 _Well he does know us! And we’re part of the group!_ Joy creeps back in. _How great!_

“I mean… it’s kinda just a part of the concept. I kinda see them as costumes, I’m not really offended,” Jaewon replies, laughing to fit in. Sungmin pats his back with a grin. Jaewon turns to Rose and grins at her.

“So the drama you were celebrating was Honey Lemon?” Rose beams at him.

“Yeah! How did you guess?”

“Jiho mentioned a friend named Jangmi working with him on that drama,” Jaewon laughs.

“Speaking of dramas… you have an actor's face, man,” Taehyuk hums. They all turn to face him, stunned. 

“He’s an idol, Taehyuk,” Jun deadpans.

“I _mean_ that you should try acting, Jaewon,” Taehyuk says, glaring at Jun.

“I do feel like you’d make a good actor,” Rose agrees. “Maybe you could be an idol actor! Or branch out!”

 _Wouldn’t a drama be good press for MAYHEM? Without any scandal? It could go towards paying off our debt too,_ Duty muses. _But… the damage to our bad reputation is a concern._

“I could try that out, sometime,” Jaewon tells her. “I have a question for you, though. How did you find that lawyer?”

“He offered his services to me. He’s from the same firm as the legal team of that nightclub,” Rose sighs. 

_That’s a suspicious business practice. He probably scammed her!_ Disgust steps in and if it had a face, Jaewon thinks it would be… angry. Yes, that's the word.

“That’s so dirty,” Nari noona sneers. “That’s basically a scam!” And Taehyuk frowns at his hands. Why does he always seem to look at them?

 _It’s just a habit, it’s fine,_ Compassion intervenes. _What’s the harm? If there’s a problem, we’re always here to help!_

 _It can’t be “always,” not for us…_ Duty curbs Compassion. And it’s a reminder, that sometimes he will have to choose one over the other. 

He wonders for a moment if Mr. Park had felt obligated to choose between his own Duty and Compassion, even if he couldn’t talk to them directly. He wonders if Mr. Park’s Compassion ever urged him like this.

He can’t assume, they’re different sorts of people.

 _I don’t like him,_ Disgust murmurs. _I understand why he does what he does. I still don’t like his tactics._

“It is, but I didn’t have anyone willing to take my case so he was my only shot,” Rose grumbles into her coffee. Jaewon bites his lip.

 _Say something!_ Compassion hisses so loudly that he flinches.

“I’m so-”

“If you apologize for this mess one more time I will take your coffee and dump it over your head,” Rose snarls. 

“Wha- hey!”

“Sounds fair,” Nari noona laughs. “You’re not at fault for someone spreading the rumor that she roofied you, right? All of this is because of that person. If you want someone to blame, it's them.”

“I… guess?”

“Now! Other news! Where have you both been?! Next thing we hear is that you’re both in a scandal and then you go to court?!” Jiho shouts, poking a finger into Rose’s chest. She looks slightly shaken.

 _Step in for her,_ Compassion demands. He obeys.

“Well… none of us really had much involvement with starting that?”  
“Okay… fair,” Jiho breathes out. “But you still could have talked to us!” 

_Success!_ Joy chirps.  
“So how have you been?” Jaewon had asked Rose, but it’s Jiho who replies.  
“Monitoring the media like crazy? All the actors were super uncomfortable while we worked on our next drama…”  
“I finally switch companies and with this… someone is going to start a rumor that I left the other one because I was fired for something like this,” Rose groans into her hands. Sungmin looks around, confused.  
“Why would someone do that?”

 _Oh! He’s so kind and innocent!_ Joy coos. _We get to help him out!_

 _Just… be careful how we break it to him, okay?_ Compassion guides gently. Duty says nothing at all. And where are Disgust and Want anyway? They’ve just up and disappeared.  
“Rumors are used to hurt, and make someone else look better. If the talented new stylist is suddenly a bad person, then the stylists that are less talented but have standing reputations still look good,” Jaewon explains.  
“People suck,” Sungmin sighs, wiping down the counter. Jun nods, completely serious.  
“So they do,” he says.

 _The mood is too low, change the subject,_ a voice orders. And Jaewon isn’t sure if it’s Compassion or Duty, but they seem to like talking to him the most so he thinks it’s one of them. Is it Duty’s because it seems to just… tell him what to do? Or is that voice the voice of Compassion, that urges him to be kind? He doesn’t know. It doesn’t really matter. He follows the order.  
“So what is the name of the drama you’re working on now?” Rose and Jiho perk up. If there’s anything to lighten a mood, it’s getting someone to talk about their passion. And lucky for him, he’s in the room with makeup artists.  
“It’s called uhhhh… Purple Hyacinth? I think? There’s a lot of killing,” Rose starts. Then she frowns and pauses. “But the costumes are so cool!”

“There’s a lot of magic in there… but it’s weird, almost exclusive to the main character, and what a shame that she’s so caught up in her memories,” Jiho sighs. “Her sense of duty is strong, though!”

“Don’t spoil it!” Nari noona hisses, whacking Jiho with a dishrag. Jiho smirks. 

“And what if I do?”

“I’ll butcher you worse than the main villain can!”

“Doesn’t seem like a threat to me!”

“Why you little-“

His phone rings, cutting the argument short. Why is Minsoo calling him out of the blue?

“Sorry,” he bows slightly. “I think I need to take this.”

“Use the back room,” Nari noona offers. He thanks her and steps inside. It smells very strongly of coffee. It’s actually kinda nice. Hee picks up the phone. 

“Hello? Why are you calling Minsoo hyung?”

Minsoo’s voice is hesitant, slow. 

_He’s upset about something,_ Compassion notes. That’s certainly not good, is it?

 _We’re going to need to fix that,_ Duty agrees.

“Hey, can you come back to the dorm? I think we need to talk.’’


	15. Chapter 15

“W- what?”

“We need to talk… Daehyun brought something to my attention,” Minsoo restates. 

His voice is severe. It’s the voice of a leader. Something is very, very wrong.

 _Does it have to do with Wyld? Was there a scandal that we didn’t mean to cause?_ Duty makes a guess. Jaewon purses his lips. Whatever it is, he sounds somewhere between livid and dangerously calm. And Lee Minsoo, leader of MAYHEM, is not a calm type of person. 

“Alright,” he agrees. Minsoo doesn’t hang up, though. Rather, he throws out another question.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at a coffee shop with friends, why?” Minsoo is quiet for a moment, and then he speaks again.

“Friends? As in plural?”

“Yeah! It turns out Rose is friends with my other friends!” Jaewon informs. Cheer seems like the best way to get through this. Faux-innocence smooths a lot over.

“Your other friends? What are their names? Are they idols or actors?” The questions come sharp and fast. It’s… strange.

 _What it is, is suspicious,_ Duty corrects.

“Well… not really? Nari noona owns the coffee shop, Jun and Taehyuk and Sungmin work here. Jiho is Sungmin’s boyfriend! He works at the same makeup artist company as Rose!”

He suspects something, but what? 

“How did you meet them?”

“I ran into Jun for the first time pretty recently, actually! And I met all of the others through him,” Jaewon answers easily. Something tells him this is less of casual small talk and more of a subtle interrogation. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.” Minsoo’s tone is clipped. That doesn’t bode well. “Get here soon, okay?”

“Okay, hyung,” Jaewon says, and hangs up. 

“I have to go,” Jaewon leaves the side room, phone in hand. “Minsoo hyung needs to speak to me.” Jiho pouts, stealing his coffee. He’s acting friendly with Jaewon already, isn’t he?

 _How great!_ Joy laughs. _Progress and new friends!_

“I still want an explanation as to what blackmail you have on Jun. Spill!”

“There is no blackmail, gremlin,” Jun huffs, whacking Jiho with a dirty towel. Jaewon waves as he heads away.

“Rain check on the makeup, okay?”

“Sure, but if you do something stupid I’ll never let you do it again,” Jun warns. Jaewon shoots him a thumbs up.

“Deal!” 

“What is this complete subservience? Ahn Jaewon! Teach me your ways!” Taehyuk giggles at Jiho’s plea. Then he looks… almost sad? He glances at his hand again too. 

Jaewon waves, and steps out the door. Then he slips his mask back on and _runs_ back to the dorm. He huffs as he makes it to their apartment. Ah, he’s out of breath. 

They’re sitting by the entrance, waiting for him. What exactly was going on, here?

“I came over as fast as I can, what’s up?” 

“What is this and why were you hiding it?” Minsoo wastes no time, holding up an object. And Jaewon freezes, unsure of how to react.

It’s the device, incriminatingly shiny in Minsoo’s hands. 

_Lie,_ Duty hisses. _LIE!_ There’s something bordering on panic in its voice, a contrast to its normal poise Well that certainly doesn't look good. He didn’t know Duty could even get concerned if he’d turned the emotion off. But then again, Want had said they were basically just versions of him ruled over by a particular emotion. Just because he got rid of them within himself doesn’t mean those versions had. The loneliness and anger and lust and all the things he’d thought were gone still have little echoes. They’re not loud enough to shake him, but he supposes they’re loud enough to be noticed. He’ll calm Duty, then. Duty does its best to calm him, after all.

“Please put my therapy methods down,” he says coldly. Minsoo frowns at him.

“Your what?” He sighs. And it seems he needs to act, now. He rubs the bridge of his nose, mimicking annoyance. It works, and the others step back guiltily. 

“Just think of it as a toy, okay? 

“A toy?”

“It’s just a box with switches on it, why are you bringing it up?” Jaewon keps the act on, plastered across his face. He needstoneedstoneedsto-

They need to leave. To put down the device and act like they’d never seen it. 

“If it’s just a box with switches, why is it hidden? And why did it do _this_ when I touched one of the switches?” Minsoo glare, lifting his hand. The pad of his index finger has a bright red burn on it.

 _We need to help him! Oh no!_ Compassion gasps, horrified.

“What… what happened?” Jaewon asks, grabbing Minsoo’s hand. “You need to ice it! Come on,” he says, pulling Minsoo into the kitchen and forcing his hand under cool water while he roots through the freezer for an ice pack.

 _Turn one of us off,_ Duty says suddenly.

What? Why? That’s… so out of the blue? Wy did that cross his mind? That’s impulsive, isn't it?

 _It…. you need to prove there isn’t anything wrong with the box,_ Duty says. 

_That's gaslighting,_ Compassion protests.

 _We don’t have a choice, Compassion,_ Duty grits out. And it's right. 

But… who does he need to get rid of?

He freezes. He selishly wants to hold on to Love and Want and Joy. Compassion and Duty fight a lot… but he needs them. What does that leave?

 _Disgust,_ Joy murmurs quietly. 

Disgust? Turn off disgust?

 _We don’t want to do this,_ Disgust protests, an edge of panic in its voice.

 _No, but we need to,_ Duty says. And it’s like the final decree of a court. He can hear the hammer bang against the table like it’s actually in the room.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Jaewon says, picking up the device. He flips off Disgust with ease, feeling the grooves of the hangul under his skin. He bids his new friend goodbye. “How could you get a burn on a glass box like that? There aren’t even any wires!” He raises his perfectly unburnt finger to show them. Daehyun grabs his hands, inspecting the skin of his fingertips. He doesn’t look like he believes what he’s seeing.

“Wha- I saw… I _saw_ it burn Minsoo hyung,” he breathes. “No- what?” Jaewon smiles kindly. They need to be reassured now. He doesn’t want them feeling crazy. Just offer something that sounds enough like a truth.

 _It needs to sound plausible so they believe us,_ Duty says.

 _So they don’t feel waved off,_ Compassion agrees.

“Was there any sunlight? Maybe it heated the glass, the box is just something smooth and pretty that I like,” he smiles. Minsoo narrows his eyes.

“Why hide it then?”

Jaewon laughs.

“I’m scared of breaking it, Minsoo hyung. That's really it,” he says. A new voice in the kitchen makes all of them pause. It’s Dongho. He looks at the gathered embers with a concerned frown on his face.

“What’s up?”

“Hi Dongho hyung! We’re… um… talking to Jaewon hyung about something we found in our room that belongs to him,” Daehyun gestures weakly to the device in Jaewon’s hand. Dongho focuses a sharp gaze on them.

“Something you found?”

He knows Dongho is eager for any information about him under that unbothered guise. He knows that and that doesn’t mean anything at all. But it does.

They’re all dancing far too close to the truth, Duty groans. It’s a stressed sort of groan, like it’s facing a new situation and now has to figure out how to fix it after just solving one.

So what is he going to do?

 _We need a red herring, something to throw them off our trail_ , Duty murmurs. But.. but what? Oh- _we need a scandal._

 _I don’t want another scandal,_ Want protests. And he doesn’t but- but-

 _And I don’t think we have a choice, Desire. I’m sorry,_ Compassion apologizes.

 _We don’t,_ Duty confirms grimly. 

“They found something that I use for meditation sometimes, it’s glass so I keep it in my drawer. Minsoo hyung inspected it because Daehyun was… wait, what exactly were you doing in my sock drawer?”

“I wanted to surprise you guys by doing your laundry, but when I went to go put your socks away… there was this weird black thing. So I asked Minsoo hyung if he knew what it was. I really didn’t mean to pry-”

That’s it?

 _I’m too sure we can believe that,_ Duty spits.

 _We’ll have to,_ Love argues.

“It’s just a misunderstanding, then? Everything is okay.” Jaewon pauses, frowning. “But I didn’t realize the black glass could get so hot.”

“It’s black and it’s glass,” Dongho says with a shrug. _“I_ didn’t know that you meditated.”

“It’s uh… recent habit. Mr. Park suggested it when we were dealing with the mess with Rose,” Jaewon lies smoothly. “He saw that I was upset and still made me do it. So-”

“Do what?” Dongho interrupts sharply.

“Stay quiet,” Jaewon says. And that’s the first thing he’s said to them in that conversation that he’s completely certain isn’t a lie.

* * *

He feels the now-routine feeling of complete apathy the second he starts walking down the hallway as he heads to Mr. Park’s office. He doesn’t bother knocking, rather he just opens the door. Mr. Park looks up at him, and smiles. Jaewon returns the plastic gesture.

“Hello, Jaewon, I see you’ve been taking a lot of initiative lately,” Mr. Park greets as soon as he opens the door. He bows in greeting and takes a seat.

“I’m here to make a request, after all,” Jaewon says. “I have to take the initiative on this.” Mr. Park frowns, confused.

“A request?”

“I want to spread a rumor,” Jaewon states without further preamble. Mr. Park looks surprised. And then he smiles.

“A rumor, you say?”

“Yes. I want people to learn that I have befriended Han Jangmi, the woman from the scandal before and who I testified in favor of before a judge and jury, and that we have shared mutual friends even before we met,” Jaewon states. “It's completely true, and if those people are so willing to take any sort of tangent… they’ll be able to shift their focus completely to the question of who my friends are. The fanwar’s topic can change that way to clean this scandal up faster. If, but only if, someone who is claiming to be an insider to High Class Ent. drops that kind of news, it will work. But I’ll be needing you for that.” Mr. Park tilts his head, rolling the words over in his head. He can see the process as it happens. Being good is more expensive than being bad, but this shouldn’t cost much to clean up and get press at the same time. You know, the weird paradoxes of living in the media. Jaewon has two choices: fight the inevitable or take advantage of it and change the future after it. It’s night time that he takes the smart path. If he does this right, and he does this smart, they’ll be _out_ of debt and the scandals won’t be as necessary. But this single needs to rake in a lot for their next comeback to be a comeback out of debt. If that comeback is the one that cleans his reputation for good, they’ll need to be squeaky clean. And they’ll need a tour and a reality show. He doesn’t think Mr. Park is willing to pau that kind of money yet. 

“What exactly are you aiming to do with this?” Mr. Park frowns, typing something on his computer. Likely a note or a plan. He’s already on board, it seems. Jaewon has never been a threat to his own reputation, after all. He can’t do anything about it. And neither can anyone claiming to be his friend.

“Confuse people,” Jaewon says it so simply, like the fallout won’t be much. And when they talk so definitely— well that means the fallout will be huge if it all goes to plan. Mr. Park’s head snaps up to stare at him. Mr. Park created the rules of their hidden nuance, and it seems he’s caught what Jaewon is implying. His snakelike gaze probes his face. But he’s impassive.  
“Elaborate,” he orders. So Jaewon does elaborate for him. 

“I mean… they won’t be defending or denying anything. But they will be talking about it,” Jaewon explains. “If I play my cards right, all eyes will be on me. If I appear in another club during that point… in theory, it’ll be huge. Everyone will be talking. They’ll be there to drop hate comments about me or spam our comment section to try and crash the view count. But our music videos, well-” he smirks- “isn’t that what snared most of the scandal born Mayniacs? They come to hate me and stay for the other members.” 

“You seem to want it that way,” Mr. Park notes. “Solo stans.”

“They’re avid fans of the other members that way. And even if they only buy for one member, they buy a lot,” Jaewon shrugs. “Besides, think of the monetary gain. If the last huge scandal shaved off…. How much of our debts, exactly?”

“It came out to a clean twenty percent,” Mr. Park answers. Jaewon nods firmly.

“That cut off a whole fifth of the debt, if we strike while the iron is hot… aren’t we going to be having a single soon? In theory, if it has worked this far, it should work again, shouldn’t it? I’m actually hopeful about this. If there’s a series of scandals so quickly, and they’re all invading my privacy and causing people to look at the company…” 

“You want to generate buzz,” Mr. Park’s eyes narrow. “You’re assuming this will set us up for a steady stream of cash to pay off a decent piece of debt _and_ advertise a comeback by making it look like it’s coming much later than we planned.” He nods. They’re on a single wavelength when Jaewon throws away his heart, it seems.

“If I say I’m having some fun before I start on comeback preparations, fans and nonfans alike will be curious,” Jaewon laughs without any humor at all. “And it's our comeback that will land in those headlines, isn’t it? People are going to speculate about how intense it’ll be if I can’t appear in a club, won’t they? People are going to talk about us right from then. Which means views on old music videos. There’s only one thing,” he cautions. Mr. Park seems like he’s in the palm of his hand already. So he has his following the inevitable, now it’s time to change what comes after it. If he plays along, he has a say in the narrative.

“Yes?”

“The bigger these scandals get, the sooner we need to drop that final one,” Jaewon cautions. Mr. Park catches on.

“That they’re not real,” he fills in. Jaewon nods. It seems that when he becomes as pure logic as he can be, he can work with this man. His emotions can protest most times, but his opinion of this place was so negative that they can’t do a thing. Even his sense of duty has no domain here.

“Exactly. But if they blow up like we want them to, we won’t be in debt anymore,” 

“I’ll think about it, but if I say it’s on, I’ll text you. Keep a eye on your phone, okay?” Mr. Park says. Jaewon already knows what the answer is going to be.

“Yes, sir,” he says. Mr. Park smiles at him again.

“You seem happier, lately.” Mr. Park’s comment comes as a shock to him. Where did that come from? Oh-

He must be concerned with something.

“Should I hide it better for the sake of the media?”

“It’s fine,” Mr. Park laughs. “It’s better for a idol to be happy then sad in front of a camera, no?”

“I suppose you’re right,” he acquiesces. 

“Alright. Dismissed.” Mr. Park waves a hand.

Jaewon bows and leaves the office. 

How will that do, for a red herring?

He thinks it should work just fine.

Jaewon steps down the hallway and waits for his emotions to come back.

They don’t for a long time.

* * *

Later, his phone buzzes. It’s a text from Mr. Park.

“Sorry, I need to open this in private!” Jaewon laughs. Daehyun smirks at him.

“Why?” He laughs. “Is it something _naughty,_ hyung?”

“Yah! Kim Daehyun!” Minsoo’s voice rises to a shriek. “What the fuck is wrong with you!”

“I am a young and healthy allosexual man! It’s natural to be curious!” Daehyun pouts. Minsoo flicks his forehead.

“That’s disturbing. You’re a literal child.”

“I’m literally only three years younger than you. And yet I’m still two heads taller,” Daehyun deadpans.

“A _child.”_ Minsoo throws a hand over his eyes and wails crocodile tears. “Where did we go wrong with you! You’re babie! And a complete fucking brat but I’ll disregard it for now.”

 _They’re so cute when they play,_ Love whispers in his ear. And he agrees wholeheartedly. Ah, they’re really something precious, aren’t they?

 _Then we need to give our all for them,_ Want and Duty reply in unison. Again with the overlaps, it seems.

“So _is_ it a naughty text, hyung?” Daehyun grins evilly. “Who’s it from?”

“No!” Jaewon laughs. “It’s about something I’m doing with my friends!”

 _That’s one way to think of a camera,_ Want muses. _Well, it would be nice to be happier when there’s a camera involved._

 _So it seems he took the offer,_ Duty muses. The text reads one word.

**Approved.**

_It’s on, then,_ Duty sighs. _Then… we need to look like an idol._

 _I think we should try something bold! Like Jiho’s style of makeup!_ Joy says, with a smile in the voice. _We can do this well as long as we think of it as a performance, no?_

Well, if that means he’ll do his job better, then there’s certainly nothing wrong with it.


	16. Chapter 16

He swipes the eyeshadow over his eyelids gently, darkening the curves of his eyelids into something else. He isn’t going to be seen with a girl, or even a guy. He’s safe, in that regard.

Tonight, all he needs is to be seen in a club. To mention that he’s going out to dance and have fun a little before they have to prepare for a comeback.

The club is one closest to the dorm.

He breathes in.

This is just a backstage. Hair and makeup and getting fitted with a mic. For a moment, he feels the box press into his skin. This is backstage, the preparation for something else.

This backstage, and his performance is about to begin.

 _Let’s go,_ Duty braces. Jaewon nods, even though nobody’s there. 

The club is just the same as the last one, pulsating music taking over his heartbeat and lights flashing spots into his eyes. He orders a glass of water, and the bartender goes out of his way to hand him a sealed bottle. How kind of him.

The label is in plain view, it’s an expensive type. He raises the bottle in thanks, and the bartender blinks, surprised. And then he smiles back.

 _This isn’t really our type of scene… but maybe we could have fun here!_ Joy’s suggestion is consoling. He does like to dance, after all. It could be fun if he lets it. It’s like being on stage, the best one there is the one having fun! But… he has a job to do. If he wants to try something like that, he should go with friends to watch his back. 

_What if we did that the day we do Jun’s makeup?_ Want is reckless… but that does sound like a good idea.

 _Worry about that later,_ Duty groans. _We’re performing, now. Mask on, face up. You need to speak to people._

And Joy fades away, leaving only Duty.

And as if on cue, a man slides into the seat beside him. He smiles at him, eyes curling. He’s not a super young man, and he’s still in work clothes. Mid-thirties, Jaewon’s guessing. He inclines his head and raises the water bottle in greeting. The man reaches into his pocket, answers some kind of text, and places his phone face down on the table. Then he grins at him, greeting.

“Yo… you’re Wyld right? How have you been, man!” 

_It’s time to be Wyld, he’s been called for,_ Duty commands. Jaewon listens to the command.

“Do I know you, sir?”

“Probably not, but I’d love to chat with the face of the news!” The man shakes his hand, American-style. He’s overeager. Jaewon smiles politely at him and takes a sip of his drink.

_Treat it like a fanmeet or an interview._

“Oh, the face? You flatter me,” Wyld laughs, eyes curling softly. 

_Genial, more smile,_ Duty instructs. He tilts his head, plays at charming.

“I work in the media,” the man teases. “Any information I send via text can become the next headline. Of course I know who you are?” 

_Laugh._

Wyld laughs, a picture of a polite young idol. If not for the sexy clothes and makeup. If not for the club setting. His voice takes on something like a sweet venom. He’s lilting, _inviting._ The man in front of him is captured like prey, and he doesn’t even realize it. 

“Is that a threat?”

“Nah,” the man guffaws. “I’m Yang Wonseok,” he introduces. “Reporter by day.”

_Reporter? Be impossible to understand with him. Somewhere between perfect sweet idol and womanizing monster._

“Well, I’d give my name, but it looks like you already know who I am,” Wyld smiles. Whatever ambiguity he aimed for seems to be going over Yang Wonseok’s head.

“The red hair is iconic, kiddo. Hey, lemme buy you a drink!” Wyld smiles politely.

_Drop the comeback information, decline anything that could ruin your poise._

“I’m not here to drink, just dance,” Wyld laughs. “Hangovers during dance practice are _not_ fun.” Yang Wonseok blinks, surprised. 

“Dance practice?”

“Yeah, I’m here to dance and have fun before I need to prep for a comeback tomorrow,” Wyld says carefully. Yang Wonseok’s eyes widen, and there is something eager in them. There we go, bait has been taken. The bartender, who had been very-clearly listening in, gasps. 

“A comeback? Really?”

 _Drop just enough to get their attention. Not enough to give them anything. Last HCE had spoken, the date of the comeback was much further away. And confirm the rumor about you becoming friends with Han Jangmi._  
“I think it’s a single or something,” Wyld shrugs. “They wanted to try a different vibe this time. Rose is going to get on my case about asking for bright hair again.” Yang Wonseok looks like he’s dug up gold. Wyld, the most mysterious idol, giving him pieces of information so easily? He’s going to feel lucky.

 _He’ll share it sooner, so we’ll get to leave sooner,_ Duty notes. _We got lucky this time around._  
“Rose? A girlfriend?” Wyld shakes his head with a laugh.

“Nah, she’s a friend of mine who does makeup,” Wyld tells him. “She mentioned wanting me to go for a cuter color.”

“A makeup noona? Is there some backstage romance there?” Yang Wonseok wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. 

_Shut that idea down._

“The hair and makeup noonas don’t really hang out with us,” Wyld pouts. “HCE switches them around from time to time. Rose is a makeup artist for dramas! We met recently under somewhat less terrible circumstances,” Wyld explains it easily enough that Yang Wonseok seems to accept it.

“Speaking of makeup artists, I never got to ask… is it true?”

_There we go. Right where we want him._

“Is what true?” Wyld feigns ignorance, a spider pretending the web isn’t there. It seems that Mr. Park had held up his end of the deal.  
“That you and the girl from that scandal are friends now and you helped her in court?”  
“Yeah, turns out that we had some mutual friends! She’s a nice person,” Wyld smiles, and too much of _Jaewon_ gets out. He’s made a mistake. And he can’t stop to smooth it over. He must dance over it like a splinter on a balance beam.

 _Reign it in,_ Duty scolds. And he does, face becoming impassive, and whatever Joy was about to say becoming too faint to hear.  
“Bud, she kissed you,” Yang Wonseok doesn’t look impressed.  
“She was drunk,” Wyld shrugs. “People make mistakes. There was no reason for them to accuse her of doing something illegal, _or_ for them to have sued her.” Yang Wonseok smiles, and Duty pats him on the back. They can both read this man like a book. They both know that he’s going to share this immediately. Perfect for them. 

A traitorous part of him wonders where this ability came from. He definitely didn’t have it when he came to Seoul. 

Yang Wonseok takes a sip from the glass he’d barely been drinking from. He looks like he’d forgotten it was there.

Chances are, he has.  
“You didn’t want to press charges?”  
“If anyone deserves an apology it’s her, but she refuses to blame me, so...” Wyld shrugs. Yang Wonseok checks his phone and sighs.  
“Aw… shit,” he grumbles.  
“What’s wrong?” Jaewon asks. Yang Wonseok looks up at him, a very fake apology painted on his face.  
“My voice recorder is on,” he says. Ah, well that was a brilliant move. What a subtle way to dig. 

He’s impressed!

 _This is even better. Don’t drop the act now, you’re almost done_ . _Drop a curse word and make sure that he keeps that!_  
“You can keep it. Hell, treat it like an exclusive interview,” Wyld laughs, sliding off of the barstool. “I’m gonna go dance.”

He does dance, joining in the crowd. Move like this, wink at her. Duty throws commands at him, robotic. And, like a robot, he follows them.

His phone buzzes with a text from Mr. Park.

**Your little interview has already hit the circuits. You work fast, I see. You can leave the club whenever you’re ready.**

It’s followed by a text from Jun.

**When you’re off work, you can do my makeup tonight at the coffee shop.**

_So he does know. And he’s keeping quiet. Then everything can be fine,_ Compassion’s voice startles him. And then he just laughs and heads out, paying for the water bottle and leaving. 

And he steps off the stage, performance done. There’s sweat on his skin, and the audience is noisy. Perfect. 

Like he needs to be.

* * *

The walk to Coffee Temple is chilly, wind biting at his light clothes. There’s sweat between his shoulder blades and he’s shivering. The mask does nothing to hide his identity, what with the brilliant red of his hair screaming out his name.

Duty had told him they should stay a little while longer. Want had intervened.

He still doesn’t know who she should have followed. But he still follows Want. He’s allowed to be selfish, just once, right? Right?

The door jingles as he pushes it open.

“Hey Jun,” he greets, clubbing clothes still on. The lights in Coffee Temple are dim “How are you?”

“A walking advertisement, I see,” Jun notes. His hair is pushed out of his face by a headband with Jiho’s name stitched across the front. Jiho is there too, holding several makeup palettes and looking far too excited. He grabs Jaewon by the shoulders, and looks him in the eyes far too seriously. He’s doing makeup, not a surgery.

“Make him look hot… ooh! Or try drag makeup on him! He has such good eyes for it!” Jiho’s serious look fades into a pleading one. “I’ve been waiting for so long for this- I’ve know this grouch for years and he hasn’t let me do this once! You need to satisfy every bit of me that’s been waiting to see him in makeup, okay? Okay?”

“Sure,” he laughs.

“Let’s begin, then!” 

_He’s so excited. How cute!_ Oh… it seems that it’s no longer only Duty guiding him through everything now. The others are back!

 _We don’t want him to be uncomfortable,_ Compassion reminds him. _Let’s ask what he wants._

“Do you have any preferences?” Jaewon tries to ask it as casually as he can. Jiho looks horrified that Jaewon asked when he could have had free reign, and Jun looks oddly touched for a moment. 

“Nothing strange, I suppose,” Jun replies. “It’s just… temporary body art? I don’t care that much.” Jiho grabs the front of his shirt, eyes desperate.

“At least make it a real makeup look, okay? With something that looks unnatural? At least don’t do a no-makeup-makeup look? Make his eyes pop?”

“Fine,” Jaewon laughs. 

_This is going to be fun,_ Joy giggles. Jaewon looks through all of the supplies. He wants to give Jun a sharp sort of look. He’d appreciate that, right? There are some eyeliner pens, and one of them catches his eye. He looks up at Jun.

“Can I use glitter?” Jun sighs, realizing how excited he is.

“What kind?”

 _He’s willing to do that for us… he really is a good friend to us,_ Love coos. _We should be good to him in kind for a long time._

“I have this shimmery black shadow?” Jiho offers. “Very emo and overdramatic. Perfect for you.”

“Bite me, Jiwhore,” Jun grunts. Jaewon nearly drops the eyeshadow palette. 

“Unoriginal,” Jiho laughs. “Try again, Junmaji.”

It takes him a moment to connect the dots. Then he turns to him, confused.

“Did you just mix Jun with Jumaji to say dick?” 

“And what about it?” Jiho tosses nonexistent hair over his shoulder, and Jun snorts. They’re really good friends. Jaewon smiles, a laugh of his own on his lips.

_He’s so happy to have them._

“This eyeliner is silver glitter, right Jiho?” Jiho reads the label and grins widely. What is he expecting?

“Yes!”

Jaewon sets to work coating the outer edges of his eyelids with a shadow. They’re dark, it’s not unlike the look he’d seen on Sungmin the other day. It’s subtle, because something tells him overdone with glitter wouldn’t make Jun very happy. He looks back at the… giant array of makeup that Jiho has laid out. 

“Did you buy out an entire makeup store, Jiho? That’s… a crazy amount of makeup! Even if I took a little bit from each I’d have to cake Jun’s face to get it all!”

“I only managed to bring half of the stuff I wanted to,” Jiho whines. “Don’t tease me!” 

Jaewon laughs. Jiho is _really_ excited about this, isn’t he? Jaewon takes a white eyeliner and regular brush eyeliner to give him a double lined eye. It’s a look he’s never dared to do, but it looked really good on Dongho hyung when they’d tried it for one of their debut stages. Then he takes the glitter, and swipes it over the top of the white eyeliner. It glitters in the low light, and it’s actually rather pretty.

He looks back at the lip stuff and shakes his head. Eye makeup is barely practical enough for Jun, but he can tell that something that would rub off like a lip color wouldn’t be in his ideal makeup look.

He takes a step back, and nods. He’s done. He’s satisfied with his work.

“Classy, but subtle,” Jiho hums. “You should be my apprentice and take up doing makeup!”

“Oh… Jiho…” Jaewon begins collecting all of the makeup and Jiho helps him stuff it back into the bag. Jiho beams at him.

“Call me hyung, then! I will be your teacher and sunbaenim! Come now, hoobae!”

“Wait, you’re my hyung?” Jaewon gasps. Has he been talking to someone older like they’re younger than him? Jiho just laughs. 

“Well now I am! Wait.. if you’re a 95 liner...” Jaewon looks up, concerned. He’d actually assumed he was a 97 liner. He looks so _young._ Benefits of a good skin routine, probably. 

_Had we been disrespectful to Jiho? Rather… had Jiho assumed that we were being rude intentionally?_ Compassion doesn’t seem to be overjoyed by the revelation.

 _Don’t worry,_ Love soothes. _I’m sure he doesn’t actually mind if we didn’t use it before. We didn’t know, and he knows that. We just need to remember it for the future._

“Yeah?”

“I’m a 94 liner! You should call me hyung! Especially since Junnie over there never does!” Jiho laughs, jumping on him. Jaewon giggles, zipping the bag shut. 

“Okay, hyung,” Jaewon laughs. And Joy says nothing at all but gives a happy hum.

That’s all they really need to say.

“How do I look?” Jun asks. There’s something bordering on worry in his face. Jiho pulls a hand mirror from the front pocket of his backpack full of makeup and hands it to him. 

“Here, take the mirror!”

“It’s not bad,” Jun muses, tilting his head to admire the glint of the glitter. “I might want to try this sometime.” He did well, then! That’s a relief! His makeup skills aren’t as good as someone like Jiho or Rose’s but if Jiho and Jun like the eye look he’d done, then he must have done well! 

“Really? That’s great!”

“Ah, my job at the tattoo parlor starts soon,” Jun notes, looking up at the clock.

“We can walk you!” Jaewon laughs, riding the high of just… being here and being _happy._

They step outside and Jun locks the door.

“The lights have gone and washed out all the stars,” Jiho sighs, looking up at the sky. Jun only shrugs.

“You trade in one for another.” But Jaewon smiles. 

“Do you know where black holes come from, Jiho hyung? They say that when a star collapses in on itself, it becomes a place that no light can escape.”

They hear a camera click. There’s flash but it’s not really clear if the one being photographed was them. Jaewon ignores it. Jiho doesn’t. 

“Say, should I start wearing a face mask if I’m at risk of being seen with you?”

“If Jun is seen with makeup because he’s with me, he might get mad,” Jaewon says, tucking his hair behind his ear. 

“I will,” Jun agrees. Jiho gasps, but Jun just shakes his head. 

“But you look so _good,”_ Jiho whines. Jun runs the bridge of his nose, taking care not to smudge his eyeliner. 

_He’s wearing it for us,_ Love reminds. _He’s important to us now._

 _Wasn’t he important to us since we met?_ Joy laughs. _But yeah, he’s_ ours. 

“I don’t care,” Jun grunts. But still he turns to Jaewon. “Thanks for not screwing me over with this.”

“Of course,” Jaewon smiles at him. A warm thrum resounds in his chest like someone plucked a guitar string. When happiness is rare like the way it has been, he holds on to Joy when it’s there. He finds that the less he feels towards much else, the more room Joy can creep into. And of all of his emotions, he doesn’t think that Joy would really ever be the unwelcome one.

“What if I got you drunk?” Jiho wheedles. Jun sighs. 

“Hey, Jiwhore, you know that compliment I gave you earlier?” Jiho blinks. 

“Yes?”

“I'd like to take it back now,” Jun says, and Jiho chokes. Jaewon plays into the mood, blinking innocently at Jun. 

“You gave Jiho hyung a compliment? What was it?”

“Now? It’s redacted,” Jun says blankly. Jiho whacks his arm with the makeup bag, it makes a loud thwack when it lands. 

“You little shit!” 

Jun looks down at Jiho and snickers.

“I’m like... two of you. Sit down.” 

And they’re so just… together. All of the robotic-ness of Wyld disappears and Jaewon lets out a loud, giddy laugh. 

_Joy is still here. Want is still here._ And so he’s still _human._

These people are _his_ and, as a human, he doesn’t intend to let go of them any time soon. 


	17. Chapter 17

Minsoo glares at him. Jaewon stares back.

This might just be the first intervention they’ve ever had after a scandal of his. And he can’t really tell if it’s because they are more about him now, or are just more sick of Wyld. He’s acutely aware of how that not knowing is supposed to hurt.

He’sacutely aware that he doesn’t care that it should.

It’s like noticing a medication doing its job. Satisfying. 

“So, clubbing?”

_Say nothing._

“You know, I really thought that you were done with that stint, but then I see you hitting the news and exposing secrets. And then I have to wonder how I ever trusted you like that when you never gave me a reason to.” Minsoo looks furious. He watches blankly. 

_Say nothing._

“I’m disappointed Jaewon, how could you do this to us?” Minsoo stands in front of him, some sort of fiery rage in his eyes.

 _I want to reply with the truth. I want them to know. I don’t want to lie to them._ Want sounds so small, so pleading. Compassion brings the small, trembling plea to a screeching halt.

_It would break them._

Duty is less kind.

 _Don’t you dare,_ it hisses. _Don’t you dare do that._

“Answer me!”

Wyld says nothing. He watches, waits until he’s satisfied. Minsoo isn’t so quickly sated.

_“AHN JAEWON, ANSWER ME!”_

He doesn’t answer him. Right now, is he even Jaewon at all? Or is Minsoo talking to something- some _one_ \- that isn’t really there at the moment.

Sparks of pain spread across his face. It takes a moment for him to realize what just happened, and when it comes, it settles in with a certain kind of numbness. Lee Minsoo, leader of MAYHEM, his hyung, one of the three people that all of this was for, just slapped him.

 _It’s his duty. He’s the leader. You’re all just doing your jobs._ Duty’s consolation means little to him, he finds.

 _I don’t want these jobs,_ Want whines. Compassion, unsurprisingly, sides with Duty.

_That’s not our choice._

_Why?_

And Love follows Compassion.

_It’s just not. You know what sacrifices we made for this. We can’t give that up._

He isn’t going to throw away everything that he’s built up. He just isn’t.

So he stays quiet. The slap stings. But he feels nothing beyond the pain buzzing across his skin and the sound echoing in his ears. He looks at Minsoo blankly. Ready to accept another.

It doesn’t come. 

Minsoo just looks at him. Oh- there are tears in his eyes. Wyld just watches as he shakes his head and walks away.

Dongho looks at him.

He looks at Dongho. 

And Dongho is someone who he doesn’t know much about. But he does know that he comes from money. He was raised to assume that every person has a second face. He’d assumed that Jaewon was a second face, but once Jaewon appeared quite so pitiful to him, he forgot about that. Too easily, too easily. He tries to fit within and understand peoples’ minds, he tries to get along with people normally. But he’s simultaneously too kind and too judgemental. Minsoo may be the one credited as the impulsive one, but they all make snap judgements in this group. A lot of them.

“What happened?”

“If they say there’s lipstick on my collar, won’t it just make them happy to put it there?”

Dongho reels back, as if Jaewon had slapped him. Of all the members, it’s him who understands the most, even if he doesn’t see the full truth. He’s been taught, to whatever degree, how to understand the way people think. But when he overlooks what he’s been taught, isn’t he the blindest of them all? Dongho’s been taught to read and respond to people. 

He realizes that it’s only around them that he hasn’t cared to try. He’s let his guard down around them. But… they haven’t even been anything bordering on friends until recently. So _why?_

“What are you saying?“

“You can hate me for it, but what does it do, in the end?”

“Nothing at all,” he admits. “Why did you even go?”

“I went there to dance. But who’d believe me if I said that?” Dongho sighs, accepting his answer. 

“Are you at least having fun?”

Wyld looks him in the eye.

And the truth is? His answer is no. His answer was that it never was any fun. But he smiles at him, the same way he did at the burger place. But he lies to him, the same way he did at the burger place. 

“Yeah, I am.”

Dongho just looks at him, a long and tired gaze. Ah, he should probably do something to make it so he doesn’t feel that way at some point. Dongho and tired don’t quite belong in the same sentence.

Well… why not? Why _is_ it odd to him? Dongho is just as human as he is.

But he can tell. Dongho doesn’t see a difference between Jaewon and Wyld.

Dongho believes him, the same way he did at the burger place.

And then Dongho turns and leaves the room.

He looks up at the ceiling.

“Hyung?”

It’s Daehyun, holding an ice pack in his hands. He looks so lost, so unsure. 

_Ah, we should probably reassure him, shouldn’t we?_

_We need to look like we’re fine, after all,_ Duty agrees.

 _Well, we are,_ Joy laughs. _Why wouldn’t we be? We are perfectly fine._

And Joy isn’t wrong. It isn’t wrong at all.

“Hello, Dahyunah,” he nods. Daehyun bites lip and carefully places the ice against his cheek. It doesn’t do much, but he lets him do it regardless.

“So… how are you feeling, hyung?”

He doesn’t bother being gentle.

“You’re still trying to figure out how to speak to me when you’re upset about something, aren’t you?”

Daehyun looks up, startled. 

“I- yeah,” Daehyun admits. “Why did you do that, hyung? Weren't you going to spend time with your friends?”

The mention of him sends an explosion of warmth through his chest. He feels again. 

_We can tell him. He can’t ever meet our friends… but he can know that we’re happy, right?_

“I did. Jun let me do his makeup!” Daehyun pauses. 

“Really? Wait… Jun? Who is Jun?”

“He’s my friend,” Jaewon laughs. “Jun’s a barista at my favorite coffee shop and a tattoo artist!”

“Tattoo artist, you said?” Daehyun’s gaze drops to his leg suddenly. “That’s so cool! Have you ever considered getting one?”

Is this about his scars again?

“Hm… I don’t… really… think so?”

“If you did, where would you get one?”

Yeah. It’s definitely about the scars.

“Maybe on my stomach? Or on my bicep? Ooh! Or something small on my finger.” Jaewon looks at his hand. He hasn’t thought about it much. Though, if he's made plenty of decisions pertaining to forever recently, he supposes tattoos are something to consider.

“Something small?”

“Yeah, like my mom’s name or our debut date or something,” Jaewon shrugs. He probably wouldn’t make such a reckless decision without a cause. He really hopes that this conversation doesn’t reach Mr. Park, or he’ll actually find himself with a barely-wanted body modification

“Are you gonna get it in a big pink heart like all those buff guys in the American cartoons? I’d like to see that,” Daehyun teases. “You’d look hot, hyungie!”

_We should probably laugh at that. He made a joke._

Jaewon giggles, and makes a joke of his own.

“If anyone here would get a name in a heart, it’d be Dongho hyung.”

“With Boba’s name!” Daehyun agrees, with a firm nod. “Maybe he’d get it as a tramp stamp!”

“That’s not a very nice word,” Jaewon says lightly. Daehyun pouts and tugs on his arm with a whine of _“hyuuuungie!”_

They don’t talk about the scandal anymore. The aggressive elephant in the room is ignored. That’s their modus operandi: pretend things aren’t there. 

Daehyun did try to talk, if Jaewon wants to give credit where it’s due. He has been trying.

But trying doesn't equal succeeding. He’s learned that the hard way.

* * *

  
  


“I finally get to speak to you, love,” a voice croons in his ear. It’s rather familiar. Ah- Sohee? His eyes open to a run down apartment. It’s quiet all around. Ah, an abandoned building? He’s been kidnapped. 

Well, it was a risk he’d taken when he had let her go that day. Oh well.

“Think about what you’re about to say and give it the respect it deserves,” Wyld says. “This is your re-do, so to speak. What is it that you wanted so desperately to say?”

He watches her, waiting. He doesn’t feel anything but numb. Rather, he just watches and observes. 

Duty is silent, how strange. The once-omnipresent emotions that draped over his shoulders like a yoke are gone. Well, what should he have expected? It wasn’t a device to replace, just mute.

He’s finding himself more aware of the blank spaces at times like these. 

Sohee falters, the mania that seemed to cloud her eyes sputtering out. She looks lost, suddenly. She isn’t as crazy as he’d assumed, is she? Just lost.

Perhaps that was why he’d pitied her.

“I.. I suppose. Words are finely tuned tools, yes,” she agrees, biting her lip. She seems unsure, now. He inclines his head, waiting for her to continue. He’s neither afraid nor eager. He feels nothing at all.

“So speak, then.”

Sohee nods, looking tiredly at him. She looks so small, suddenly, in this decrepit apartment. It’s like his reaction— or lack thereof— is unexpected. What is he supposed to feel at this point? 

“Tell me, why are you like this? Where was the beautiful Jaewon hiding shyly behind Wyld’s mask?”

Oh- she too is looking for something that isn’t there. She too was lied to and tricked. He watches her move about, cup ramen in hand again. She’s more subdued this time. They can probably have a reasonable conversation like this. So he smiles at her, aiming to look pitying.

He doesn’t actually feel anything at all. And once that happens, Jaewon disappears. Once his Duty and his Love and his Joy and Want and Compassion are gone, once everything is gone, there is no more of _him._

“A figure of beauty need not be static, Sohee.” Wyld smiles hollowly. “If it is, odds are that the beauty isn’t real. It’s more likely that it’s never existed at all.”

Sohee looks down at the ramen. This time, it’s her who eats it. They sit in silence for a minute, before she takes a deep breath.

“Where did you get all of those scars from?”

“I’ve always had them,” Wyld hums. “Most people just haven’t noticed.”

She watches him. Still, he doesn’t struggle against the bindings. She doesn’t seem to know what to do.

Perhaps she’d have thought he was dead, given how emotionless he is to all of this. He’s behaving like a toy, pliable and ready for anyone to take and use. He’s aware.

He doesn’t care either. She looks at him, eyes saying many things that she doesn’t.

Finally, she just sighs.

“So all of those scandals are fake. And you let that happen? You let them do that to you?” He looks up at her blankly, and she just stares at him, like she’s frozen in time. In some part of her mind, maybe she’s horrified. He just watches. Blankly.

After all, he’s willing to play the puppet.

In the end, does that mean he ever was one?

“It’s for a greater good.”

“And what? To allow yourself to be hurt? That’s not keeping peace! That’s no greater good!” She grabs his sleeve. He makes no move to shake her off, eventually she seems to lose steam all on her own, hands dropping uselessly to her side. He doesn’t reply to that.

He isn’t quite sure if he sees tears trailing down his face. He notes numbly that he doesn’t care.

Whatever he’s supposed to feel is so intense that the blank space left behind washes out anything else. What would it be? Fear? Anger? Sadness? Guilt?

Compassion is knocked over by a tide made in absence. He doesn’t care that she’s crying. He doesn’t care that he’s suffering. 

“That’s my job. I exist for that.”

“Life is so we can live, not just exist,” Sohee pleads. “You can fix this still!” 

“I do exist, certainly. At the abyss. At this moment.” Wyld tilts his head at her. “And that may be a defining moment. But was there ever any question of that?”

“And if you say that this moment is going to be a defining moment, how do you intend to live it?” She looks at him fiercely. “What does it matter in the end, if you’re not going to live?”

“Who knows?”

“Then haven’t you lost yourself?” She grabs his shirt, pulling him forward. The ropes she tied dig into his skin. “Can’t you find that part of yourself and go back to before?”

Go back to before? Once you lose your old self, it’s gone forever. 

“One will find that what they lost is rarely where they dropped it,” Wyld tells her. She frowns, and finally slumps to the floor with a defeated sigh. 

“You’re awfully poetic,” Sohee says quietly.

“I suppose I’m just playing the philosopher,” Wyld says. “At some point, what’s the point in feeling the same things over and over if you never wanted to feel them in the first place? If you never want to feel them as they come and know they’re coming? So it’s better to stop feeling and look at everything objectively.” She looks at him, a quiet sort of horror in her eyes. 

“I thought… I was so sure…”

“Hm?”

“I was so sure that you were fine,” Sohee admits, playing with her hands. She’s fidgeting. Ah, she still isn’t letting him go? At this point it’s mildly inconvenient. But he doesn’t really have anywhere to be, so why should he care? 

“What wins out? Prophecy of peace? Or reality of war?” Wyld smirks, the movement ironically bitter. “Well, when the dust settles on the war, I suppose that’s where your promised peace is.”

“I mean… I thought that you were someone else,” Sohee mumbles. He tilts his head at her.

Ah, that’s just the flaw of Wyld, isn’t it? 

“We rarely are what people think we are,” he replies. Sohee lunges forward, a sudden power in her. 

“Who _hurt_ you? Who is that’s turned you into this?”

“Who hasn’t hurt me, at this point? If you poke a wound enough it’ll scar over. The only thing that’s gonna cause pain there is the echoes of old hurts,” Wyld answers. Sohee shakes her head, she’s sobbing in earnest now.

“Why don’t you run away?”

“Why don’t I run away and escape it all? I’d like to, I think.”

“Then _do_ it,” Sohee begs. But Wyld shakes his head.

“There is a strange sort of magic in the here and now. And above all of it, I still have a job to do,” he tells her. Sohee sets the cup down. It hits the floor like a gavel, reminding him just how serious the choices they make really are. It’s just cheap waxed cardboard, but it becomes something so heavy. In another life, maybe he’d pity the unfeeling, inhuman object.

He stops.

If feeling makes something alive and deserving of pity, what is happening to him?

“It’s going to tear you apart.”

“I know.”

“Go,” she whispers. “I can’t- I can’t join that number. I don’t want to hurt you, too.” She takes the kitchen knife behind her and slices through his bindings.

“Ah, you’re letting me go?” She looks at him and it’s only when he sees the red-rimmed eyes that he realizes that she _pities_ him.

“What’s the use of trying to love you if you’re too broken to love?”

“You’re more reasonable than I thought,” he notes, getting to his feet. Ah, his knees hurt.

“Should I be offended by that?!”

“It’s a compliment,” he assures. They stand there for a moment, neither of them moving.

“You’re… you’re like me, aren’t you?”

He isn’t quite sure what that means, so he just shrugs.

“Maybe.”

“Walk safely,” Sohee murmurs, pulling him into a hug. He doesn’t reciprocate it. But he doesn’t push her away.

“I’ll go then.”

“Can… Can we be friends? Maybe?” Sohee looks up at him shyly. For the first time, he feels something that isn’t numbness.

He’s stunned.

It’s a bad idea, and he knows that. But… he doesn’t have the heart to say that. He isn’t really sure if he means it when he says it, but he says it anyway.

“Sure, we can be friends.”

Maybe he’s opening Pandora’s box by doing this, but maybe that box has already been open for a long time. When hasn’t it been open? When has he even opened it? Did it blow open the moment he turned off his emotions? The moment he agreed to go along with the scandals? The moment he got on that train? His debut? Becoming a part of the MAYHEM project? Joining High Class Entertainment? Daring to dream of being an idol?

Sohee smiles, and steps out of the way. He opens the door to the apartment and steps out into the night. Sohee shyly hands him his phone.

“Goodbye Jaewon.”

“Goodbye, Sohee.”

“S- Sleep well, okay?”

“I will. You too.”

“Yeah.”

He looks up at the sky, each one a million miles away, with a name and shine of its own.

 _You think you were all alone in the dark? I’ve been by your side this whole time,_ Hope whispers in his ear. Hope doesn’t speak all too much, it hides in the bottom of him.

_Isn’t humanity lost when hope escapes Pandora’s box? As long as I’m here, you’re safe._

And Jaewon realizes that he believes it. 


	18. Chapter 18

He looks at the clock and realizes that it’s already midday. How long has he been monitoring the fallout? Hours?

He stretches.

It’s gone exactly the way he had wanted it to. Fans aren’t defending as much as they’re attacking. Nobody is sure what happened. Because the pictures from that night were all of him playing around on the dance floor. He didn’t drink, he didn’t even look at girls. And he looked much happier than he did at any previous pictures caught.

What a surprise. 

“Hey, have you eaten today?” Dongho looks up from his phone as Jaewon enters the room. He stops short. What an odd question. That’s something mothers ask their sons, or husbands ask their wives. It’s more caring than their relationship is. Does Dongho have a motive of some kind? 

_ Odds are, he suspects us again. We just need to lie and act enough for him to either hate us or just think we aren’t related to his issue with us. Simple. _

“Yeah, why?”

“Yah! Are you asking Jaewon if he’ll let you buy him food?!” Minsoo screeches. “Favoritism! This is favoritism!” Daehyun laughs from behind Minsoo, and crosses into the living room to grin mischievously at them.

“Are you asking Jaewon hyung on a date?” Dongho sighs, irritated. Ah, now seems like a time to diffuse the tension. He pokes Daehyun’s nose, looking innocent enough to get their attention without looking guilty. 

“No? Why would he be?” Daehyun laughs, throwing himself over the edge of the table.

“Awww… all the Dyld shippers will be so disappointed!”

What.

“Dyld? What is that?”

“D.Min and Wyld! It’s a ship name! Your ship name!” Daehyun giggles.

He looks at Dongho and sees him smiling. Ah, he gets it. Daehyun is trying to lighten the mood by being silly.

_ How sweet of him,  _ Love sighs.  _ Let’s play along. _

He sits down, takes the aquatic animal photobook out, and mindlessly flips through the pages.

“Dyld the ship. So what would they call it officially? ROKS Dyld? Sounds official.”

“A ship name is for a relationship! It’s a English pun!”

“So that’s the kind of English you’ve been learning, hm?” Minsoo leans on the doorframe with a laugh. There we go, mood lifted. Daehyun laughs sheepishly.

“May...be?”

“Relationship name? Why would people… ah, ship us?” Dongho feigns confusion, though he’s clearly very amused. They can all tell.

“The fiery playboy and the domineering ice prince,” Daehyun snickers, waggling his eyebrows. “Seems scandalously spicy.”

“You are a  _ child,” _ Minsoo hisses from across the room. “Don’t be gross, Dae.”

“It’s not gross, it’s  _ sexy,” _ Daehyun whines. “I’ve seen so many debates over who would be the to-”

“Stop it! You! Are! A! Child!”

“But I gotta know- what do you think?” Daehyun grins evilly. “From Dyld themselves, who would top?” Jaewon… short circuits. What?!

“Uh…”

“YAH! KIM DAEHYUN!” Minsoo hisses. Daehyun smiles over his shoulder at him and sticks out his tongue.

“Me,” Dongho doesn’t even look up from his phone. “It’d be me.”

“KANG DONGHO DON’T YOU  _ DARE  _ ENCOURAGE THIS!”

“Um… Dongho hyung is good looking but… I’m not really interested in sleeping with him?” Jaewon tries to push the subject away. “Why were you asking me all of those questions anyway?”

They’re not talking about the scandal, or Minsoo’s anger. Good, they’ve moved past it. 

_ So should you,  _ Duty remarks. Jaewon bites the inside of his cheek. Duty… isn’t wrong. Dongho laughs a little, before taking back control of the subject.

“I’m digressing. I was asking to check on you. How’s your cheek?” Minsoo doesn't flinch from where he stands by the doorway. Rather, he turns a glare on Jaewon. And as for him? He doesn’t react.

“It’s fine,” he says. And that's not true, but they don’t need to know that he woke up early to cover the bruise on his cheek. 

_ They shouldn’t know that. And we’ll keep it that way. _

“Did Minsoo hyung apologize to you?” Daehyun seems to be trying to keep the mood light. That is very much not what he ends up doing. “Oh.”

_ I…. I’d like that,  _ Want murmurs. Compassion sighs, and he already knows that it’s about to refuse.

_ He’d feel better if we pretend that we wanted it. Let’s just lie. Duty was right when it said to move past it. Just let it go. _

“I don’t want one,” Jaewon says blandly. “I’d be mad if he tried to.”

That’s a lie, but they don’t need to know that.

He looks up, and realizes that Minsoo is gaping at him, horrified.

_ I don’t think that worked quite right,  _ Duty worries. Jaewon tilts his head in response, looking back at the book in his hand. It looks like the shark on the page is smiling at him. Dongho sits beside him. He’s being oddly friendly. 

“Hm, have you met with Mr. Park, lately? Didn't you have a scandal?”

That gets some attention. Minsoo even crosses the room curiously. He supposes he does have a different relationship with Mr. Park than they do.

But it’s certainly not a relationship that he’d wish on anyone. 

“He doesn’t call me in after every scandal,” Jaewon says lightly. Dongho hums, running his hand through Jaewon’s hair.

He isn’t sure why Dongho is suddenly so willing to touch him, but he likes it. It’s friendly, familial. It’s a bit of what he’s always wanted. Dongho looks at him, eyes just as gentle as they’d been that day. He doesn’t know why it's happening, and he should be suspicious. But he’s so happy to just enjoy this.

“He doesn’t? Did you spend the day in bed?”

...huh? Dongho is being  _ weird,  _ for sure. He pulls back, a little. 

“No, why would I?”   
“Why are you asking him all of these questions, hyung?” Daehyun throws the question over his shoulder. Why? Is he trying to distract Dongho for him? That’s sweet but unnecessary. 

“Just curious, is all,” Dongho says, eyes sharply trained on him.

His phone buzzes, it’s Jun.

_ Saved by the buzz,  _ Joy jokes. He smiles. Daehyun notices, and nudges him with an elbow and giggles.

“Who texted you, hyung?”

There’s no preview. But there is a name. There isn't any harm in telling them about his friends, right?

“Jun did!”

“The person whose makeup you did last night?”

“Yeah!”

“You did someone’s makeup?” Dongho asks, perking up. Once again, there should be enough minor information to keep him happy. The red herring should stop them from assuming there is an issue with his scandals. Maybe they’ll think he fell in with a bad crowd. Maybe they’ll think he stopped caring about images and just started doing what he wants. Whatever it is, they’ll jump to a conclusion that hurts the less. And that’s what he wants.

“I did hang out with my friends last night,” Jaewon shrugs. “Jiho hyung was upset that Jun let me do his makeup when he’d been trying for years!” Daehyun swallows the information eagerly. Good, it’s working.

“Jiho… hyung?”

“Yeah,” Jaewon rambles. “He told me to do drag makeup, but that’s not Jun’s thing. So I compromised with glitter eyeliner!”

There’s a part of himself that just likes talking about his friends. They’re really… they’ve become really important to him.

_ In theory, we should probably keep them separate,  _ Duty muses.  _ But we can talk about the inane details, that should be safe. _

“Makeup… oh! Is he the friend who was friends with Han Jangmi?” Daehyun throws his head in Jaewon’s lap. 

_ Ah, how cute!  _ Joy coos.  _ He’s our baby chick for sure!  _

“Same friend group, yeah,” he tells Daehyun. 

He looks at the message itself. And boy, does it sound like Jun.

**Nari says to invite you over. Get over here.**

He smiles. Dongho raises an eyebrow at him.

“Are you gonna go out?” Jaewon considers it.

_ We want that,  _ Want reminds.  _ And there is no reason for ol’ Duty to find a problem with it! _

_ I only find a problem with the things that have problems,  _ Duty huffs. 

_ We should go see them,  _ Love chimes in. Compassion follows suit.

_ They did invite us, after all! _

“Yep!” Jaewon smiles, tilting his head. Minsoo purses his lips.

_ He doesn’t like our friends!! He should like them,  _ Want whines. Duty sighs.

_ It’s not like they’ll ever meet. They can assume a lot about our friends, but they can’t hurt them. In fact, this should keep things separate,  _ it chides.  _ Don’t be greedy. _

“Stay safe!” Daehyun bids with a wave. 

“I need to fix my hair, first,” Jaewon teases lightly, leaving the room. And he gapes at just how messy his hair is. It takes him way too long to tame it. It’s… to put it lightly… a total bird’s nest. Ah, so Dongho had been trying to fix that hair to avoid embarrassment. That’s a bit more polite than his initial assumption. And it makes a bit more sense. 

_ That’s why Dongho assumed that we were in bed,  _ Duty chides.  _ It ought to be kept neater.  _

He heads out to leave. He passes Daehyun in their room and Minsoo on his computer. And then he’s by the living room. It’s a typical scene from them. 

A voice makes him pause. Who’s there? He peeks around the corner, and he sees Dongho talking into a phone. Why-

“Yeah… depression?... No, I don’t know… he’s never displayed any of the symptoms on the list you sent me?... Okay, I’ll look out for that… we don’t have those in the dorm, the sudden scars… Burns? Yeah, we do have a stove… No, they’re oddly specific… He claims that they’re old.... He is, yeah...Yes. Okay, thank you.”

Jaewon watches Dongho pace, he’s on his phone and he isn't sure who he’s talking to. But he  _ is  _ sure that he’s talking about depression. And he  _ is _ sure that Dongho is talking about him.

He suspects something. But why? What did he-

_ The scars. We need to start hiding them. _

They’ve been so weird about his leg. Of course that’s it!

He sighs, making intentionally loud footsteps to signal his arrival. He waves at Dongho and slips on his shoes by the door.

“Where are you headed?”

“Out.”

The door clicks shut behind him.

He takes a deep breath and heads out to meet his friends.

* * *

  
  


“Hey, Jaewon!” Jiho throws an arm over his shoulder. “Comeback announcing, huh? It’s becoming a little more blatant, you know?” Jaewon stares at him. 

“What?”

“You mean you haven’t realized that we figured out that you’re a very elaborate, very sexy marketing tactic?” Rose snorts into her drink. “We weren't born yesterday, oppa. You’re literally babie. A softie. A marshmallow. You don’t chase girls, you’re more likely to run away from them while they’re standing still.” The others laugh at that. 

“He would! He’s so soft? The only playing you're doing is with small animals!” Nari noona points at him, unable to stop laughing.

“That sounds weird, hag.” Jun says, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Jiho wheezes, slapping the counter.

“You know what I meant, you utter creep,” she snaps, hitting him with a dirty towel.

Jaewon stands there, unsure of how to react. Now that it’s come to this, what does he do?

_ We need to do something about this,  _ Duty pushed. And he agrees. But  _ what? _

“Uh…”

“Relax, won't tell anyone if you don’t want us to,” Rose waves away. “That’s your business, as long as you're fine. You… are fine, right? Because we will step in if you aren’t.”

_ We’re in the clear, good. It would have been very difficult to convince them,  _ Duty sighs.

_ They’re our people too, if we had to, we would,  _ Love says firmly.  _ Not that it matters, now. What I’m more focused on is that Rose really said that they’d fight for us. They really like us! _

“I really am fine. But… thanks, you guys,” Jaewon smiles. And the truth is, he hasn’t been this okay in a very long time. He hasn’t been okay since Wyld’s birth, not until the device and his friends came into his life. Nari noona leans over the counter and looks at him seriously.

“Does MAYHEM know about your job?”

“Well… not really? They think most of those scandals are accidents. And a lot of them… kind of were? We didn’t set out for this to happen, at least as far as I know.” Jaewon laughs sheepishly. Because he isn’t quite sure if Mr. Park had a hand in that ill-fated train ride to Daegu. He suspects that Mr. Park isn’t quite as innocent in this as he pretends to be. He does wish that they’d have sat down so he’d have had a say in it. Odds are, he would have agreed back then. “I don’t want them to know the truth, especially since this has been going on for so long.”

“Why don’t you?”

“It’d hurt them to know that,” he smiles softly. “I’d rather they not know the full truth.”

They all stare at him. Sungmin breaks the silence, his voice hushed with something bordering on awe.

“You… you really love them, huh?”

“Yeah, I really do,” Jaewon admits. They’re awkwardly silent before Nari noona decides to break the mood a bit more cheerfully.   
“So… how was clubbing? I take it you tried to have some fun the last time? There really is nothing like a dance floor, even if you dance professionally! Just… the vibes, you know?” Nari noona sighs happily. “Ooh! And it’s so unfair that you did Jun’s makeup while I wasn’t here. Mutiny! This is mutiny in my ship! I am utterly  _ betrayed,  _ Jaewon! Taehyuk, Rose, and I never got to see it!”

“Neither did I,” Sungmin protests. “Don’t leave me out!”   
“Yeah, well… I did see it? And, um… he did look pretty hot- I mean pretty- I’ll just shut up now.” Taehyuk trails off awkwardly. Is that… a blush high on his cheeks?   
“Ah, thank you,” Jun blinks. Jaewon realizes that oh- his ears are turning red? Did something happen between them? Or… does Jun like Taehyuk? Does Taehyuk like Jun? When did he even see it? Did they bump into each other or… did Jun take a picture just for Taehyuk?

_ We should set them up,  _ Compassion titters.  _ They deserve to be happy. They’d make each other happy, right? _   
“So what’s up?” He asks. Jun did say he was asked to call him over.   
“Dunno, Nari wanted to talk to you,” Jun shrugs.   
“Come with me,” Nari noona demands, grabbing his and Sungmin’s arms and pulling them into the back room. Jiho follows them with a laugh.   
“We are JunTae united,” Nari noona declares. He gapes.   
“O...kay?   
“Wait, as in Taehyuk and Jun?” Sungmin laughs. “That’s cute!”

Another ship name, huh? He smiles fondly. In some ways, he sees the parts of MAYHEM that he’s loved for a long time in them. But they’re their own people and he loves that about them too.   
“Here’s the deal,” Rose explains- when did she even  _ get  _ here?

“Rose?! When did you even-“

“I’ve been here the whole time. I literally spoke to you,” Rose says with a lazy wave of her hand. “But my point is this. Tae’s been my friend for  _ years,  _ and he’s always tried to set people up. But he’s never looked at anyone the way he’s looked at that grouch. He likes him.”

“Jun might like him too,” Jaeon muses. “Given the way his ears turned pink when Taehyuk complimented him?”

“They did?” Nari noona leaps to her feet. “Okay! That’s enough dilly-dallying! Operation GTDFFT is a-go! Jaewon, you need to be our Jun-whisperer, okay?”

Sungmin shakes his head with a sigh.

“What does that acronym even mean?”

“Get our dumbfuck friends together! I coined it,” Jiho beams. “It suits them perfectly!”

_ Laugh, that feels like it suits the mood.  _

Jaewon giggles.

“I’m not sure who would yell at that name first,” he says. Nari noona throws her head back and roars with laughter. 

“Easily Taehyuk,” Rose nods. “You don’t fuck with his self-steem.”

“Yeah but you straight up don’t fuck with Jun,” Jiho argues. Sungmin laughs

“Straight up doesn’t belong in your vocab, babe,” he says.

“Unless it’s for makeup or my dick,” Jiho snorts. Jaewon fucking chokes.

He opens the door with a laugh.

“Jun, can I talk to you for a minute?” Jaewon doesn’t even wait for a reply, he drags Jun into the storage room. 

“...sure? What’s up?” Jaewon bites his lip and the bullet.

“So how did Taehyuk even see the makeup?” Jun blinks and then he realizes what Jaewon asked. He laughs.

“Ah, he asked for a picture and he wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone so I sent one-“

“You like him, don’t you?” Jaewon interrupts. Jun’s eyes widen.

“I-“

“You don’t have to tell me,” Jaewon backtracks. 

“Even if I do, he annoys the fuck out of me,” Jun sighs. “I don’t plan on pursuing him that way.” 

What?

“Oh, why not?” Jaewon stops. “Does he have a boyfriend or something? Oh- I forgot that hat him being straight was an option too. Oops.”

Jun laughs.

“Really? Jiho’s infected you. He annoys me, and I’m pretty sure he likes that regular who drops in. Minseok? I think that’s what his name is?” Jun shrugs. “He’s kind of a dick.”

“Are you sure?” Jaewon asks. “I mean-“

“Considering the way Minseok had his hands all over him that night? Yeah,” Jun says. Jaewon blinks.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jun laughs. “It’s fine. I’ll get over him.” Jaewon keeps trying. Jun and Taehyuk would be happy together, he’s sure of it.

“Or you could go for it?”

Jun laughs.

“I value my dignity. But… I’ll think about it.”

“I want you to be happy. Do what you think will be best okay? I’m your friend, I’ll support you.”

“Thanks,” Jun says with a soft smile, ruffling his hair. Jaewon laughs. 

“You’re my friends, it’s what I try to do.”

  
  



	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to meme but,,,  
> Jaewon be like:  
> “I’m so clicky clicky clickyyyy  
> I’m so flicky flicky flickyyy  
> Like it? Don’t like it. Feel it? Don’t feel it.  
> Wyld. Jaewon. I’m so. Clicky.”
> 
> Stan Weki Meki

“Let’s join the others,” Jun finally says.

“Okay,” he says, biting on a smile. Jun looks over his shoulder.

“And Jaewon? Thanks,” he says. Jewon laughs. 

“It’s not a problem, hyung.” And it isn’t. It’s not a problem because Jun is his friend.

 _And that’s what friends do,_ Duty whispers firmly in his ear. Jun pauses, confused.

“I don’t think I’m actually your hyung?”

He isn’t?

“Eh? But you called me kid?”

“You’re kind of as innocent as one,” Jun snorts. 

Jaewon laughs awkwardly.

“You think?”

“Yeah.” Jun shrugs. Jaewon toys with the edge of his shirt, trying to think of something to say- of something to fill the silence because it’s his turn to speak.

“So you’re… my age?”

“A year younger, I think.” Jun ruffles his hair. “It’s not gonna be your age alone to make me call you hyung.”

He reaches up and ruffles Jun’s hair back. Jun throws his head back and laughs.

 _Oh… we really like making him happy,_ Joy whispers fondly. It’s muted and small, but it’s a warmth in his chest. 

“Dongsaeng, huh?”

_He’s a great friend. We got lucky to meet him._

“Nah,” Jun laughs. He leans in and frowns. Is there something on his face? “Oh, there’s makeup on your cheek, it’s…” he presses his fingers to it. And Jaewon fights the involuntary wince. But not well enough. Jun notices.

“Who did this to you,” Jun demands. 

_Lie._ His two worlds can touch, can see a limited piece of each other. But they can’t collide. Ever.

“It’s not-“

“Ahn Jaewon. Who did this to you.” Jun’s voice is cold. He needs to calm him down. But he doesn’t know what else to do beyond just… to tell him the truth.

“M- Minsoo hyung,” Jaewon admits, feeling cold. Jun _snarls,_ and Jaewon nearly takes a step back to avoid getting hit again. But Jun just holds him by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes. There’s something almost… sad in his gaze.

He can’t understand why.

“How can you call him a leader? Kid, he’s _hurting_ you.”

_Ah… we should calm him._

“Leadership isn’t one size fits all,” Jaewon says. “Minsoo is many things… but there’s a reason he’s our leader. Dongho isn’t the leader type and neither is Daehyunah. And I’m definitely not,” he laughs a little. “He cares about us. He cares about MAYHEM. He’s so devoted to all of our success. He tries to speak when we don't want to, to have the energy that we don’t. He is a leader. And he’s our leader.”

“All the stars in the night sky are unique, with a name and shine of their own,” Jun murmurs suddenly. Jaewon… thinks Jun gets it?

“Something like that?”

“I was bullshitting some random pretty words. Why do you talk in fancy phrases when you’re unsure of how to say you’re upset?” Jun sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You can just say that you’re upset. It’s not a sin, Jaewon.”

“I’m not upset,” he denies. Jun throws his hands in the air and gives a frustrated yell. He spies the others watching through the window, concerned. He shoots them a thumbs up, to reassure them. It doesn’t look like it works.

“You should be. You should be upset. Hell, you should be _angry._ Why the fuck did he-“

 _He shouldn’t hate Minsoo, not if he understands and Minsoo doesn’t,_ Want suddenly decides. And he agrees. He needs to fix this altered perception before it’s too late and someone is hated for something that… isn’t their fault.

“He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know the truth. In every respect, he had the appropriate reaction for the situation he was in. I’m not mad at that. It’s stupid to be mad at that,” he insists. And Jun calms, slightly. He sighs.

“And why are you letting them stay like this?”

“The truth might just kill them. I’m not one for dramatics. But that’s just how it is,” Jaewon informs. Jun frowns.

“I don’t appreciate that,” he says. Jaewon looks away.

“I know.”

He looks out at the sky. It’s night already? The blush of lights fading against the dark night sky, the featherlight wind that caresses the world. 

It’s rather pretty, when he ignores all the people making noise.

His phone buzzes. It’s a text from Daehyun, saying that Minsoo is looking for them.

“Ah… I need to go. A you tell the others I say bye?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jun agrees. He’s quiet for a moment, before he suddenly speaks again. “Hey, Jaewon?”

He turns around.

“Yeah?”  
“Just… can you consider it? Telling them?”

“Someday,” he lies. The familiar lie falls off the tongue like a mantra, like a truth that had been repeated. “And can you consider it? Going after someone you like?”

“Maybe,” Jun says. “Walk home safe, okay?”  
“Have fun at the tattoo parlor!” He bids him farewell, and leaves.

He walks back to the dorm, lost in thought. How is he supposed to help them get together? Jaewon normally helps with problems by becoming a fall guy. But isn’t this a little too delicate for that?

Maybe it isn’t. He can’t picture anything involving Jun and Taehyuk as _delicate._

 _We could have sex with this Minseok. It’d be a twofer: distract him from Taehyuk so JunTae can become a thing and a fresh scandal. Wouldn't we just look terrible if we did that? How perfect,_ Duty points out. Want gasps.

 _We don’t want that! That’s… no! Why are you always trying to get us to do the things worst for us in the long run?!_ Duty lets out a hissing shriek.

_We’ll be happier in the long run!_

_No, we won’t,_ Want counters. _Go ahead, pretend!_ _Pretend all you want that our love and duty towards others is everything there is in life, but what about us?! It’s not selfish to want things for ourselves!_

 _You’re getting in the way of our happiness!_ Duty rails. _Jaewon, you need to pick one of us. Me, or it._

What?

 _Your desires will ruin us,_ Duty yells. _Get rid of the things that are actively ruining you!_

 _You don’t need to pick! Stop trying to get him to turn us off!_ Want hisses. Duty scoffs. 

_We are better off that way!_

_How could you say that?!_

_Say what? The truth?_ Duty snarls. _Jaewon. Turn it off. Turn Want off._

He has such a headache. His hand shakes. It hurts.

Blindly, he digs into the sock drawer and yanks out the device, desperately fumbling.

_Click!_

Oh. And there goes Want. 

The crescent moon shaped scar on his ankle burns with a raging phantom pain. He sighs and goes to lie down. He has such a headache. 

* * *

  
  


He opens his eyes. He’s a bit groggy, and very much not in his room at the dorm.

“Hi! Um… I didn’t know how to reach out to you so I uh… tried an… alternate method of reaching you? Uh… sorry? Jesus, I’m so awkward but...” Sohee fidgets with her fingers. “How are you doing?”

He’s not tied up this time, but he is back in that old apartment from his first real conversation with Sohee. He actually quite likes this apartment, it’s not too far from his dorm but he feels like he’s away from everything the moment he’s in this old building. It’s almost serene, like this. But… she kidnapped him just to check in? He stares at her, what an odd situation. At least the couch is comfortable. Sohee is sitting in the armchair across from him. 

“You kidnapped me… just for a conversation?”

“Maybe?” Sohee laughs awkwardly. “I wanted to um… I wanted to check in on you. Um… since that last scandal of yours? You um… didn’t quite sound… okay. I- I mean- I mean you didn’t sound like yourself. Does… um… does that make any sense?”

And oh.

Oh.

He smiles. She really does want to be his friend. And the truth is, she _is_ a sweet person isn’t she? In another life, maybe they’d have met somewhere in Seoul and they’d have friends the way he became friends with Jun. Well… maybe with a few less bandages and tears. He looks at his hand for a moment, is there anything he can do to help her?

 _Get rich enough to pay for her meds. She doesn’t need to know,_ Duty suggests. And… it’s not a bad idea. But first...

“I should probably give you my phone number for next time, huh,” he says. It is his fault for not giving her a reliable way to contact him

“Maybe,” Sohee giggles. “But… yeah. How have you been these days?”

“What about you? You probably know most of it, in terms of me,” he says Sohee laughs sheepishly.

“I mean… maybe a lot of it? I definitely know some things. Because uh… the news is a little uh… obsessed with you,” she admits. She freezes for a moment, eyes widening. ”But I wasn’t, lie, following you or anything! I don’t- I- wasn’t- I haven’t been watching you, that way! I promise!”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jaewon says. “It’s realy, really okay.”

“So… yeah?” She shrugs, looking like she feels a million different kinds of awkward right now. He should ease her tension somehow, shouldn’t he?

“If we’re friends, I’d like to know a bit about you,” he tries. Sohee looks so shocked that… he pities her. She’s… like him in a lot of ways, isn’t she?

“Really? Nobody… nobody’s ever really… wanted to know anything about me,” Sohee mumbles. Jaewon smiles at her.

“Ah, well.. we’re friends now, aren’t we? Of course I’d want to know!” She looks _stunned,_ and for a moment Jaewon thinks he can see a tear in her eye. But she _beams_ at him.

“Um…I don’t know what to say,” she laughs. It comes out sounding rough and shaky. It’s an unsure laugh. Well… he is becoming friends with a former sasaeng fan. They’re both going to be a little unsure of what they’re doing. And that… that’s okay. They’ll just have to learn together. “I’m from Gwangju, I’m good at studies… I don’t have any friends,” Sohee answers slowly, unure. He grins at her, trying to lighten the mood. He should be trying to cheer her up, right?

“Well what am I, then?”

“Okay… fair.” Sohee laughs and he realizes that oh- this moment feels so natural. They’re friends now.

 _Our number of friends is growing,_ Joy laughs giddily. It takes him a moment to realize that he’s giddy, too. He should ask her more questions, to make her feel happier. He smiles widely at her.

“Are you in work or school at the moment?”

“I'm in college right now. I’m studying to be an accountant but… I really like working with tech, you know? I have a side job at a car garage and another at a GameStop.” Tech? It takes him a few minutes to make the connection, but he's insanely impressed when he does.

“Did you make that tracker?”  
“Yeah, and the camera,” Sohee sas shyly. It was impressive! Hering that should make her happy, right? He claps his hands together and looks at her with a look of wide-eyed innocence that he’s perfected… because it used to be real. She doesn’t even look past the way he’s smiling at her.

He’s nothing if not a good actor.

“That was you? It looked like a professional one! It must have been very well made! Did you work hard on it?”

“Ah, thank you,” she gapes, flushing red. “I… I spent a lot of pocket money on making it look pretty., too. And the lenses were really difficult to get right, cuz I needed… to… magnify…. I’m trailing off, sorry.”

 _She’s a little shy, we should tease to lighten the mood,_ Compassion prods. And that’s not a bad idea, to be honest.

“That’s so cool! You should apply to work with the government’s spies,” Jaewon beams. “You’re talented!”

She’s far too shocked by the compliments. Does nobody in her life… tell her that she’s done well?

“You think so?”

“Yeah!”

“They probably wouldn’t want me,” Sohee denies, looking away.

 _She needs someone to encourage her,_ Compassion decides.

 _And it looks like it’ll be us,_ Duty tacks on.

“I’m sure you’d do great if you tried!”

“T- thanks,” Sohee mumbles, looking down awkwardly. “I don’t… really know what to say.”

Ah, she’s feeling awkward. It’s best to lighten the mood for her, then.

“So how have your classes been?”

“They’ve been okay, but I don’t want that job you know? It’s terribly boring to do that for the rest of my life,” Sohee groans, stretching out across the armchair.

“You’re young, aren’t you?’ She blinks, surprised.

“I’m 97 line. Ah, I should probably call you oppa, huh?” She looks away awkwardly. “Sorry, I’m still a little new to… this.”  
“Do what you want,” Jaewon shrugs. “It doesn’t matter to me, as it is. Call me with or without honorifics, just make sure you’re comfortable.”

“So… how has it been for you? I’ve just been… working, really.”

“So have I, but I did get closer to some of my friends,” he says. Sohee brightens.

“Really? That’s great!”

He’s realizing now that- that she’s _kind._

 _Jiho hyung could help boost her confidence, right? And Nari noona and Rose would probably love to have another girl around,_ Duty muses.

 _They’d be good for her,_ Compassion agrees.

“Maybe I’ll introduce you guys sometime!”

“I think I want to get into a better headspace first. My uh… episodes are increasing in frequency,” Sohee sighs. Episodes?

He remembers the deranged look, the horror once she’d snapped out of it, the sudden lunacy after such smart and careful planning- after such calm behavior. Sohee- she’s not _well._

 _We need to… we need to protect her,_ Compassion decides. _Duty, Sohee is one of our people now._

 _I can live with that,_ Love says seriously. Duty just sighs.

_She was going to become ours the moment we became her friend, wasn’t she?_

_Probably,_ Joy laughs. _Let’s just go with it._

“Was that why…” he trails off, he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable. It’s a little too late for that, though. She swallows hard, looking away.

He makes a mental note to bring up their… unfortunate meeting. 

“Well, that was planned but… once I got there…”

He changes the subject. Best not to make her uncomfortable.

“Ah. Have you considered seeing a doctor?”

“I’ve been diagnosed… but they’re still working out getting the drugs to me legally. Korea is uh… strict for that,” Sohee admits. “I have psychotic episodes called psychotic breaks. It’s just sudden… delusions and hallucinations. I can’t fight it easily, and it’s not very often that I can be shocked out of it like-” she coughs delicately- “the last time we spoke. But you just looked.. So.. gone, you know?”

“Maybe I was,” Jaewon shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“It’s lucky that I saw it instead of someone else,” she murmurs. “They wouldn’t have been kind about it.”

“If they get mad that there’s a neon light by my face in a picture? Oh yeah they are,” he laughs, and the mood instantly lightens.

“You aren’t wrong,” Sohee laughs. “I’ve compared you to western stars, and they do things that would make them pariahs in this country, but everyone still likes them.”

“They write it off as being western to excuse their own conservatism,” Jaewon shrugs. “It’s disturbing that mental illness is so taboo, that not being a cisgender heterosexual is considered wrong, wearing what you wnat to wear…”

“Feminism, promiscuity, I could rattle off a million things!” Sohee yells, leaping to her feet. “Saying ‘it’s a conservative country’ is not an excuse to be racist, to be sexist, to be xenophobic or homophic or cruel!”

“We have a lot of issues as a society,” Jaewon shrugs. “A social change starts with how we act, doesn’t it?”

“Why do we put up with it? Assumptions based on labels that may not even be true? I _hate_ this,” Sohee groans. 

“At this point, I’ve become indifferent,” he says. And it’s true. He has become indifferent. And maybe he’s been indifferent even before he found the device. 

“You shouldn’t have to be,” she hisses. “We shouldn’t have to be!”

She seems almost… erratic.

 _We should know how to take care of her if she has a problem,_ Duty decides. Compassion hums.

_Let’s make sure we can._

“Hey,” he stops. “What happens in a psychotic break?”

“Just… talk to me slowly, let me speak,” Sohee mumbles. “I’ll sound a little crazy, make sure I don’t get my hands on anything.”

He speaks without thinking.

“Like a knife?”

She blushes bright red. And then she laughs.

“Yeah, but you’ve uh… seen what happens,” she says slowly. She sits next to him on the couch, and he realizes that they’re… comfortable. He smiles. Well… that was a mistake, but it’s lightened the mood a bit. Good.

“It is what is,” he says. “As long as everyone comes out okay and unharmed, then what’s the problem?”

She looks up at him, eyes wide.

“Thank you.” Her voice is firm and serious. He lets her hug him tighter.

“I’m your friend, Sohee,” he replies. He’s not sure if it’s supposed to be some sort of reassurance, or just a way to tell her that she doesn’t _need_ to thank him. Maybe it’s both. But for now, he’ll just enjoy the company of his friend, who’s just as fragile and shattered as he is.

“Thanks… for being my friend. I don’t think I’ve had someone be my friend in- in a long time,” she murmurs. He thinks he can see tears in her eyes. He knows that he shouldn’t wipe them for her.

He idly plays with a strand of her hair instead.

“It’s all good,” he says. And it is.

If there’s a wet spot on his shoulder, he doesn’t mention it.

  
  
  



	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not dead! I promise!

“Um… sorry,” Sohee looks away. Jaewon pretends nothing is wrong at all. Jaewon laughs, trying to wave away her concern. It’s better that she feels comfortable enough to cry with him, because he’s the person to help.

Or at least… to try to. As hard as he possibly can because she’s one of  _ his  _ people.

And maybe he picks up people like an indiscriminate child picks flowers, but once someone is his, he’ll do anything for them.

“Hm? Oh! It’s really all fine!” But… given the way Sohee looks at him like that’s the first time anyone has said that to her, every time someone does… something  _ else  _ certainly isn’t fine.

“Thank you… for not saying anything cruel. Y- you’re probably the… only person who hasn’t.” She looks down, dark hair shadowing her eyes. She looks  _ terrified.  _ Her grip on her clothes has her knuckles a paler white, and she looks like she’s waiting for him to leave. To be done with her after seeing her break down so much. “I- I’m such a damn mess. I’m so- I’m so sorry that you have to deal with me when I’m being like this.”

_ Like this? She’s so pitiful like this.  _ Jaewon frowns, running a hand through her hair. He remembers his own surprise when Dongho had done the same. It mirrors in Sohee’s own expressions as she looks up at him like he’s done something that doesn’t make sense. That goes against what’s normal. And this time, he sees those expressions from the outside. But hers is different because she still feels a lot of things he’s chosen to rip out. Like the pain and loneliness that comes with acknowledging that it’s different from the norm. 

“They all call me many things. Like sly or cruel. They think I can make it all go away on my own. You and I both know that I’m not like that. That there’s things none of us can control. So why pretend with one of the people who knows? Why should I hurt you when we both know I don’t mean it- or even want to hurt you in the first place?” He smiles at her, ignoring the way she blushes. “Let’s not tire ourselves out for what’s expected. Okay?”

Sohee is quiet for a minute, before humming and rocking a little. 

“Seeing the flowers bloom, you call them beautiful. Seeing the flowers wilt, and you call them sly. See the flowers bear fruit and you call them fresh again. I wonder, who is the sly one?” It’s a pretty song, a little old fashioned. He’s certainly never heard it before, but it sounds like a song you’d have heard in the Joseon or Goryeo periods from a pretty gisaeng with an instrument. It's certainly very poetic, he thinks. But Sohee sighs into her knees. “What happens when the pretty fades, as it is? When the usefulness goes? What happens to the ones like us after that? Those of us who were only ever liked for what we had to offer?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does. It’s all different from there. It depends on what we gave while we were still favored,” Jaewon answers honestly. “Where did you hear that song from? I really like it!”

“I’m thinking a lot about old poetry and songs nowadays. It’s all a big headache cuz it pops up in the strangest places.” Jaewon tilts his head, thinking. 

_ It’d be better if we made her feel cheerful about it. _

“Poetry and songs? That sounds kinda cool! What’s the reason?” 

“Ah- well… it’s for... it’s for an essay! An essay for my classical literature class. To dissect a tale that became a pansori,” Sohee mumbles, toying with her fingers. She’s shy… she’s subdued. And he realizes for not the first time that she  _ needs _ him. So he will be there for her. 

_ Because that is what Ahn Jaewon is for. Being there for everyone. _

_ Act interested. You’re interested in her happiness, after all. _

“That’s a cool assignment! So which folk story are you writing about?”

Sohee smiles. It’s a bittersweet smile. 

“Shim Cheong, the girl who throws herself into the sea of Indangsu. As a sacrifice. And she does it so her blind father can regain his eyesight.”

He recognizes that one! He claps his hands and laughs.

“Oh! That story!”

“Her filial piety helps her to be resurrected and become an empress, and her father's blindness is cured. Isn’t it funny? That they say goodness and sacrifice will be rewarded pure and well in the end? Isn’t it funny?” She laughs dryly. “Can we really say that sacrifice is a painless process? That its rewards will always outweigh the losses?”

“No,” Jaewon muses. “I suppose not. It just depends on if you… if you want something enough. Or if you feel obligated enough.”

“Aren’t those the same thing?”

“Nah,” Jaewon tilts his head. “I wanted a relationship with my members. Their happiness too. My duty to them means I have to give it up.”

“That kinda sucks,” Sohee notes. Jaewon shrugs. It’s not that big of a deal, either way.

“I’ve chosen it. It has chosen me. My duty is inescapable, and I will not run from it.”

“You make it sound like you’re going out to war,” Sohee giggles. “Lighten up a little!”

“Do you think that one day… my duty will one day cause me to disappear altogether?” Jaewon doesn’t even realize he’d said the thought out loud until Sohee grabs a hold on his arm.

“If you disappear, I will come find you. I promise.”

...and maybe, a part of him needs Sohee too.

They’re both a little messed up, aren’t they?

“Say, Jaewon?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you so  _ willing?”  _ Sohee has something like tears in her eyes and he knows that his job is to console her now. To make her happy again. To wipe the tears and fill the cracks that he can manage to fill. 

“What do you mean?”

“You’re talking like you’re willing to lose yourself,” Sohee laughs and it sounds like a sob. “You’re talking like you’re willing to disappear.”

“In some ways, I think I already have. You know something?”

He looks at her, ready to listen and be the ears for her voice.

“What?”

“I chose Shim Cheong because… she reminded me a little of you. Do you think… that one day your happiness can come? Can it come someday and make everything you have been taking worth it?”

“That’s the aim,” he laughs. “I’ll get there someday. I’m sure of it.”

* * *

“Our comeback is sooner than we’ve been saying? Jaewon was serious?” Dongho’s eyes are wide. Because he knows that means that Jaewon had known. 

“Yes,” Mr. Park sighs. “I told him that I planned to move it up so-“

“Really?! That’s great!” Daehyun jumps up and grins. “We can win a music show this time, right?” Minsoo pulls their maknae’s sleeve with a glare.

“Dae…”

“Sorry, sir,” Daehyun says sheepishly. If it wasn’t in this  _ office,  _ maybe he’d have found it cute. 

“I understand you’re excited,” Mr. Park laughs. “We’re actually doing quite well right now even off promotions.”

“I don’t quite… understand how. Before we were mostly doing well online… but only online...” Jaewon muses. And that’s a lie. He knows exactly what’s caused them to suddenly earn just enough money to push forward their comeback.

“That’s the music video. With proper promotions, you should chart this time, at the very least,” Mr. Park assures. And while Jaewon hasn’t seen the calculations, he’s pretty sure that they’re not in a position to win without a downright miracle. But he’s not going to be the one to say that.

Though, it seems that Dongho is.

“Okay. So we’re aiming for charting this time and a win next time?” Dongho asks. “A steady climb success story. 

“That’s my boy,” Mr. Park laughs. “We aren’t quite in a position to get the numbers for a win. Before the mess that night when Wyld had intended to go busking, we weren’t expecting anything above an eighty on the charts.” He frowns. “That’s not terrible for our first time there, but now we’re at a sweet-spot to do much better. If our music video is liked enough. Because we’re going to try a concept change.” Jaewon looks up, that’s news to him. Doesn’t the bad boy in a group like this seem even more appealing then a bad boy in a softer group? 

“What’s the concept going to be, if not a bad boy concept?” Daehyun asks. “It’s not gonna be a cute concept like that one with the really bad CGI, right?”

Minsoo chokes, bursting into laughter. And so does Mr. Park. In another company, maybe that would be a concern. But because they have  _ Wyld  _ in this group… that changes it. If anything, it would need to be something elegant. Or even poignant. 

But definitely not  _ cute. _

“We’ll be going for more elegant things this time around.” Ah, he’s not particularly surprised. “The concept designers have sent you individual documents to piece together the music video. They’ve got something ambitious in mind.”

“Ah… I see.” Minsoo frowns. And Jaewon knows why. That’s a bit too close to SA1NT, isn’t it? Minsoo will never support that group with the way things are now.

“Now, Wyld,” Mr. Park smiles at him. “There’s that thing we were discussing last time. Can you stay back to chat?”

He’s getting bolder, to mention it in front of the others. But Jaewon just nods.

“Yes, sir.”

Dongho looks over at him, something confused in his eyes. But he doesn’t say anything. Because it’s obviously private.

Oh well.

It is what it is.

The others leave and Mr. Park turns to him.

“You won’t be winning a music show this time. I’m making sure you don’t.” 

Okay… he’s not quite sure he understands that.

“Why? Why manipulate our numbers to look smaller?”

“You can’t win a music show until we reveal the scandals are fake. However, this is going to be us subtly making theorists wonder if we know about the scandals, or why we’ve never said anything. Even when you apologized for the first one,” Mr. Park explains. And that… makes a lot of sense. They’ve had a detailed plan for a while, haven’t they?

“You’re going to say that I took the initiative because I thought they’d never believe me,” Wyld realizes. 

“Exactly.” Mr. Park nods, satisfied. Wyld frowns.

“How are we on that?”

“Considering the current numbers… we should be out of significant debt by tomorrow, and this comeback has had unexpected turnout. There are fans already asking about a lightstick,” Mr. Park sighs. “And we are certainly not in any position for new merchandise.”

“I see.” Wyld frowns. “If I appear in a nonpromotional activity, depending on the type, it could earn High Class Entertainment enough money for our next comeback to be one we can win a music show for,” Wyld suggests. And Mr. Park stops, considering.

Because Wyld isn’t necessarily wrong with that statement. Many clothing companies wishing to market themselves as sexy have offered a significant amount of money to HCE for a chance to get him individually, but HCE has refrained from signing a solo modeling deal up to now because it would take away scandal opportunities. But now… now it doesn’t matter. 

“That... is true. The purchasing of MAYHEM merchandise has been exponential since the last scandal. I expected many more big things to need to happen. You have quite a head on your shoulders!”

“Thank you, sir,” Wyld accepts, smiling politely. Mr. Park checks through something and- that’s a schedule of planned scandal periods. This has been set up since the beginning of Wyld’s playboy image at the  _ latest.  _ If he’d have been in on all of this scheming sooner, even without the box, he'd have known there was a goal. And maybe the box would never have been worth using. And maybe he could have told the others more confidently. Now, he’s just going to need to wait for the fallout of them finding out. He’s sure they’ll learn with everyone else, and demand an explanation he can’t really give. Does he need to start planning for this yet? 

And what are the contingencies to plan for, too?

“I’ll only have to push forward your final scandal if things falter… but I think we’re good!” 

He does realize that could be an  _ incentive  _ for him to make things falter? Or… does he realize that Wyld is all in for this now? 

Or does he know that the scandal is in his hands, and he could just as easily take it away? He needs to tread carefully, to make things easier.

“How bad would it need to falter to push forward the final one?”

“We’re in a decent place, net profit wise, considering that we’ve been saving up for this comeback. But we should probably speak candidly about where the press lies in this,” Mr. Park sighs. “Maybe having you in on this earlier would have helped.” 

“Alright,” Wyld tilts his head obligingly. “So what exactly is my purpose, from your standpoint?” And Mr. Park pulls up a chart. The numbers… aren’t going in the right directions. But there’s a small margin building up on the sides. And it seems to be helping?

“The free press helps make the merchandise sales possible by freeing up the money that would have been spent on coverage. Now it’s a matter of how much we cost,” Mr. Park explains, pointing to different parts of the overly complex graph. That… was not an element of his purpose that he’d been aware of. He’d assumed it was the simple tabloids lead to curious netizens leads to clicks on music videos and possibly new fans and merchandise purchases. This… is a little too well-thought-out for a spur of the moment decision. If they’d have needed to pay for the press… either MAYHEM, High Class Entertainment, or both would have gone under already. Especially considering the  _ years  _ without an active group. 

“The purpose of the scandals is to put the ball in our court in terms of media and broadcasting companies as well?”

“Take it from someone who double majored in business and advertising, media companies  _ know  _ their worth and you need to be interesting enough for them to be willing to get you on there. Not only that, but it also means people pay money to access exclusive content or to buy your music. However… our music streams are important. And that’s been lagging,” Mr. Park sighs “And that can’t be changed by money or anything.  _ That  _ is entirely up to your likability, fan count, concept, and luck. And the scandals can’t exist for those to work well.”

“I see.”

He’d planned to kill off Wyld at some point from the very beginning. Ah. Well, he’s come into this with the same plan.

“Our profit margin is able to be a little larger because of the freed-up money. And that  _ does _ allow us to pay some debts, but it’s necessary to get a decent cash flow without relying on what’s barely more significant than a rounding error.” He nods. Good. This is assuring him that Wyld can disappear.

Hope, at this strange time when he should have felt nothing at all, surges a heat in his chest. They’re going to get through this.

And maybe then, he could turn the emotions back on. Humor is pretty important for big deal idols, isn’t it? 

“I see. So the reason that the last scandals were so effective was because people were actively supporting the group as a response?”

“They were actively supporting  _ you,”  _ Mr. Park explains. “Buying your photocards or themed merchandise was a political statement. And so was destroying it- but to destroy it, you need to buy it,” Mr. Park laughs. “And that’s just more money for us.”

“So if there’s another scandal and they start to actively support me?”

“The active support from the last scandal, based on the type, we’re estimating to amount to roughly a million won. That will get rid of active debts. And from there, we’ll be able to afford another comeback immediately. Right after KCon LA.” He stops short.

“We’re going this year?”

“Yes,” Mr. Park laughs. “Right after the promotions for this single end. Think of it as an added three days of promotion. And Minsoo’s brother’s group, which is significantly well-known, will be there too. Get along with them. It’s about time we capitalized on that connection of Minsoo’s.”

_ That will hurt Minsoo. Really badly. Odds are, we should make sure he never knows that it’s happening. _

He does remember that come after ISC, even if Minsoo might not.

He already never felt like he earned his position in HCE or in MAYHEM. Mr. Park letting him know that they’re capitalizing on the connection will really make him feel that way.

So he has to make sure that Mr. Park keeps it on the business side of it all. And by that, he means making sure Minsoo, Daehyun, or even Dongho never find out about it.

This is spilling a secret but… won’t it be for Minsoo’s benefit? He doesn’t have much right to make decisions in someone’s stead but… Jaewon will always choose the choice that means the people he cares about come out the most unscathed. 

“Yes sir. I think… it might be best not to tell Minsoo hyung if you do intend to capitalize on it.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Lee Minsung has done something that really ruined his relationship with Minsoo in the past,” Jaewon reports. He knows this might get used. But it won’t be used against the people who matters

And therefore he doesn’t care.

“ _ Has  _ he?” Mr. Park smiles. “That’s good to know.”

“Is it?” 

He’s not really sure if it’s Wyld or Jaewon’s plastic smile.

“I’m glad to hear that.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Park doesn’t say a thing about Minsoo and Minsung after that. And Jaewon is thrust into his work. KCon can wait, to be honest. He’ll have to seem excited when it comes.

And a part of him might be. It’s their first time performing in America!

But he needs to get there. The preparation for _Be The Change_ drags on. It’s a more elegant concept than they’d previously done. 

In fact, it’s probably a complete 180 from their last two concepts. Is Mr. Park giving them a cute one next? Because Dongho will _riot_. And that’s even if Minsoo doesn’t get upset for having a concept so similar to SA1NT.

There’s a million and one references in the music video that only he truly understands, and Mr. Park takes care to explain every single one. 

They’re doing the promo shoot today, and Jaewon is already done. 

_If you work on the singing right now then you’ll probably cause a problem for HCE,_ Duty muses. Joy hums.

_What if we asked a staff member?_

Manager Choi tells him that he is allowed to practice even while the cameras are going around.

So he does.

The staff hyung with a MAYHEMTV camera walks around, asking members random questions. Daehyun just shrugs.

“It means nothing, I think? Is it supposed to just be pretty, hyung? Like… everything has a symbolism that someone will derive, but there’s nothing actually there.” 

“Yah! Don’t ruin the mystery! And shows just how much you know, there is something in it. But I’m not allowed to say it,” Minsoo scolds.

“Just say there’s nothing and go.”

“There _is_ something,” Minsoo insists. “I just don’t know what it is.”

 _Ah, they’re so wonderful,_ Love murmurs softly. _It’s good that we decided to give up everything for them. Only them._

 _We will make them happy,_ Duty swears. _Even if it destroys us._

Jaewon looks away. He _is_ doing what he is supposed to, right? He goes back to work. 

Glide, extend, spin, kneel- 

_(Mr. Park smiles. It’s sadistic and cold and Jaewon remembers how much he_ **_hates_ ** _it. There’s no emotion there anymore._

_“Kneel.”)_

_Ignore that. Do it again._

Glide, extend, spin, kneel.

And again. Until the move is perfect. He will not let it be anything other than perfect. Nothing less than perfection is what drives him. Minsoo is over by the makeup noonas getting his eyeshadow redone. And Dongho is awkwardly getting into a bathtub filled with butterflies. Black, white, and orange. 

They’re monarch butterflies, he notes. Royalty in the name. He looks over at the photographer hyungnim and sees the shining silver cross dangling from his neck. He’s a Christian, then? Jaewon lets the camera catch him as he shoots Minsoo and Daehyun, an amused look and just asks.

“Do the butterflies mean something?”

“Butterflies are a symbol of rebirth,” the photographer hyungnim says. “Foretelling, spiritual transformation. Some say it’s the monarch that means you’re on the right path but… I just chose it so it was very clear it wasn’t a tub of moths. And white butterflies don’t quite fit that vibe anyway. But… _moths,_ you know? You wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from the tub. That doesn’t have the same sort of… _appeal,_ you know? Moths are just gross. I figured… ah I figured it would be pretty, even if it doesn’t actually mean anything right now.”

Daehyun _wheezes_ and Jaewon feels that familiar rush of fondness that he knows is love sitting in his chest. Dongho just shakes his head, unbuttoned shirt gently falling with him as the coordi hyungs pour more plastic butterflies onto him. 

Jaewon, Minsoo, and Daehyun just watch as the camera takes his effortless-seeming modeling. It always impresses him to see. Duty reminds him of the ticking clock, he could be productive right now.

What else is there to do?

 _We could-_ should _practice,_ Duty insists. _We can’t waste time like this._

 _It’s true…_ Love admits. _We want to be the best possible teammate, right? We should be getting back to work._

 _Still,_ Compassion murmurs, _won’t it hurt Dongho to watch us walk away?_

Jaewon pauses. That’s true. But- Dongho seems a tad preoccupied with other things. Like the shoot. 

He hopes the butterflies aren’t uncomfortable for him.

 _Let’s go,_ Duty pushes. And Jaewon goes to practice his dance again. Running through the steps carefully-

“Ah, Jaewon,” Minsoo walks over. “You’re extending your arm too much on this, it gives the impression of over-dancing.”

 _He cares,_ Love whispers gently. 

_He’s a leader, it’s his duty,_ Duty reminds. But Love is steadfast.

_He really cares!_

“Ah, thank you hyung,” Jaewon says politely. 

“Here, lemme show you,” Minsoo extends his arm with an elegant flick. It’s times like these that Jaewon is reminded that Minsoo really is their main dancer. It takes him a few tries to get it right, but then Minsoo smiles widely.

“Ahh! You’re so hardworking, Jaewonnie. It makes me almost feel ashamed as the leader! Let’s practice together!”

“Nope,” Dongho strides over, a plastic butterfly clinging to his still-open shirt. “It’s your turn, ‘Soo.” 

Jaewon turns and buttons Dongho’s shirt before Dongho can even say anything about it. Dongho just puts the plastic butterfly in his hair. 

Can Jaewon take it as a sign? 

_Don’t be a fool,_ Duty snaps.

 _Let’s take it,_ Joy insists. 

Minsoo laughs and heads over to the set. And Jaewon just goes back to practicing.

Glide, extend, spin, kneel-

His knees ache. But he does it again. The butterfly rests in his pocket. He will need to return that later. But for now, he practices. 

_One more,_ Duty pushes as he knees wobble.

This time, he sings softly while he does it. He needs to be _perfect._

_One more. Just one more. It needs to be perfect for them. He needs to be perfect for them._

_That wasn’t good enough, his voice cracked. Do it again._

_No, not enough. Do it again._

Wyld doesn’t pay attention to anything else. Just the same sets of motions. 

It ends up on a post from someone he hadn’t even been paying attention to, that Wyld was practicing as soon as he finished.

The media snowballs the same way a piece of paper crumples into a ball. And Jaewon ignores it, because he doesn’t need to know. He _doesn’t need to know._

Duty shoves him away from it. Jaewon decided that he might as well just follow it.

He practices until his throat grows hoarse and then practices dancing again. 

It turns out that it’s a great tactic for avoiding the others. Especially the way Dongho remembers to watch him when he thinks Jaewon isn’t looking. 

_Ignore it._

Wyld does.

* * *

Jaewon won’t stop. He refuses to stop.

He’s in the dance practice rooms far earlier than the others and stays far later. It’s quiet and cold when he is alone, but he pays it no attention. 

He can practically hear doors slam shut behind him every time he makes a movement. He’s going against his nature, going against what’s comfortable.

He’s efficient, sleek, something new. Dare he even call it something… something _superhuman?_

It’s an exhilarating freedom. He pushes further and further even as he crumples because he pushes himself right back up.

Wash, rinse, _repeat._

What can stop him anymore? He’s gone past all of it. He runs and pushes and pushes even more. Extend his arm, dripping sleek with sweat, and flick. Do it again.

Again.

Extend and flick.

Again.

Extend and flick. 

And again.

The monotony of the movements punctuated by the beat is continued by Duty’s ever-present push.

 _Be perfect. Perfect for Daehyun, perfect for Dongho, perfect for Minsoo. Perfect for the MAYNIACs and this system so you can finally leave it_ , Duty whispers, a siren song of freedom no longer swaying him any more than Duty’s own push.

_They can finally have their fourth member. Don’t you want to see them happy? To see them win?_

_This is all for them, isn’t it? All for them. Do it again. Do it until it’s perfect. Work. Harder and harder._

_Push._

He does it again. And again.

Extend, and flick. Extend and spin. Kneel.

There are bruises forming on his knees, blisters on his feet and skin tearing open. His muscles burn.

He continues anyway. 

_Practice the expression again. You’re free, ethereal. Above everything but not haughty. Come now, serene. Breathe easy now._

_That’s not it._

_Nope._

_Again._

_Do._

_It._

_Again._

He does it. Does it until his eyes burn and his legs wobble. And he still stands.

_Ignore the pain. You have some time to rest later. Ignore it._

Minsoo and Daehyun aren’t subtle about the anxious looks they’re sending his way. Jaewon ignores all of it.

 _This is for them,_ Duty pushes. _Harder, faster. Better._

 _Okay. Stop,_ Compassion sighs. _You’re making them nervous. They can’t perform their best if they’re worried about you._

Jaewon shoots them a grin and tilts his eyes mischievously towards the choreographer hyungnim.

Reminding them to focus. 

“Wyld!”

Daehyun giggles. It’s not Daehyun who the manager hyungs and choreographer hyung scolds. Good.

“Wyld! Eyes front!”

Love buzzes a conflicted hum in his ears. Does he become better for them, even better so there’s no way he can be a point to hurt them? Or does he ensure they’re never unhappy?

Duty pauses, too, unsure. 

“Wyld! Back in formation!” Their choreographer hyung’s sharp yell jolts him from his thoughts.

_Pay attention!_

“Sorry, hyung,” he says with a slight bow, rejoining the others. Dongho’s worried look etches deeper into his face, but it finally breaks when Jaewon puts on an innocent looking confusion and fakes a yawn.

“Again!” Their choreographer hyung snaps the word with unnecessary vitriol. He must be tired.

Wyld keeps an eye on the others. He knows how to play them no matter how closely they watch. It seems that Dongho is too tired at the moment to be thinking too deeply, to question anything. The scars on his leg throb under the itchy makeup covering them all. But it’s all for the best, because his eyes don’t drop there once. The yawn did it, good.

 _Focus so they can rest,_ Compassion reminds before Duty even gets the chance to scold him.

Midway through this run, Dongho takes a moment to ruffle Jaewon’s hair and he gets scolded harshly for it by the choreographer hyung. Minsoo steps in with a harsh rebuttal that Dongho was taking care of Jaewon. It explodes into an argument. 

Daehyun looks like he’s about to collapse. 

The manager hyungs who had been watching note that they’re all doing the dance just fine and their choreographer hyung was pushing too hard. The look that he shoots Jaewon while saying it’s the only way to fix things isn’t lost on any of them.

Jaewon looks away, quiet. But that makes the argument explode even further.

“Wyld! You’d better look at me when I’m talking to you!” Their choreographer hyung snarls and marches over, delivering a harsh slap to Jaewon’s face.

Wyld stares blankly back and lets him yell until he’s satisfied. The choreographer hyung isn’t even really mad at him. He just feels pressured for this comeback with his name on it to look perfect. Wyld knows exactly what his name means on his reputation. If Wyld isn’t perfect, then how will he look? The choreographer hyung isn’t as mad at Wyld as he is at his reputation. Wyld might as well let him get his full of yelling. 

But one of their manager hyungs pulls the choreographer hyung away from him and it turns into a three way argument between Minsoo and Dongho, the choreographer hyung, and the managers. Wyld can’t even follow it anymore. 

_We shouldn’t have done that, now he’s in trouble. Next time wait for after the dance runthrough,_ Compassion suggests. _Poor Daehyunah is exhausted._

He nods to himself.

_Noted._

“Let’s just get back to work,” Wyld says, voice harshly cutting through the yelling without even raising. “None of us have time for this.”

The red weal on his skin stings, but he gets back into place. He doesn’t pay it any more mind than the pain in his knees and feet. 

That’s something to deal with at a later date.

Glide, extend, spin-

Kneel.

_K_

_N_

_E_

_E_

_L_

_Ignore that. Ignore it. Old memories that can’t do a single thing to you will come back up. Repress them. Just get back to work._

_Rinse and repeat._

_Back to work and it can’t touch you. The past means nothing to you at the moment. Not the memories like these. Now go!_

_Glide, extend, spin, kneel._

Finally, painfully, their choreographer hyung gives a soft nod. 

“It’s good enough. But don’t you dare think that means I’m letting you off easy until you come back. Ya hear?!”

“Yes, hyung!” Daehyun laughs. “Now, let’s go to _bed!_ I’m sleepy!”

“Sorry, Dae,” Minsoo chortles. “We have a choreography video to shoot. _Then_ we can go to bed. But if you don’t shower and subject poor Jaewon to that, I’ll withhold coffee tomorrow.”

“That’s just cruel!” Daehyun pouts adorably. And as if on cue, several makeup noonas rush in at three am to powder their faces and the stylist noonas throw clothes at them for dance practice. 

Wyld decides to just roll with it. 

“What happened to your face?!” A makeup noona tuts. “It’s bright red! And swelling a bit!”

Dongho’s eyes snap to watch his response.

 _And our response is to take the way out that gets Daehyun to bed fastest. Lie. Then they can shoot the video until everyone behind the camera is satisfied and they can go to_ bed. _The exhaustion is starting to weigh on our body too,_ Duty says. And Wyld does his job.

“I tripped,” Wyld fake-pouts. “‘m sleepy!”

The makeup noona, caught off guard, giggles.

“Alright, lemme try to lessen the redness here, m’kay?” She reaches into her bag and rummages so many shades of beige that it reminds him of a painter. Though he supposed that’s what this makeup noona is.

 _Her name is Lee Hyejin. She helped you the other day at the photoshoot when your eyeliner smudged,_ Compassion reminds him. He mentally thanks it. 

“Thanks, Hyejin noona!”

“You remember my name?” She nearly drops the makeup sponge on the floor, but he catches it. That’s expensive stuff! She just looks more awkward.

Wyld gives her a winning grin.

“Yep! You were at the photoshoot, right?”

“Waaah, are you trying to flirt with the makeup noonas, Wyld?” A manager hyung laughs. “They’re like three times your age!” 

_That’s mean. Soothe the insult. Don’t let her be hurt._ Compassion practically bites at him.

“Ah… I don’t think you should say that about a lady?”

“Damn straight!” The makeup noona screeches furiously, grabbing a pair of scissors. “Get back here you oversized rat! Call me old to my face, huh? I’ll show you age! Get back here!”

“Help!” Their manager hyung yelps, jumping behind Dongho. Dongho takes one look at Hyejin noona and steps aside.

“Traitor!” Their manager hyung cries out. “Filthy traitor! I can’t believe you, Kang Dongho! I can’t have children now!”

“Oh please,” Hyejin noona laughs. “Your face already does that for you, not these scissors!” 

That’s gotta hurt…

Daehyun howls with laughter. Minsoo shakes his head, but Jaewon can see him trying not to laugh. Dongho flat out laughs. And Jaewon’s attention is immediately diverted. 

_We love them,_ Love burns fiercely in his chest. _We love them, we love them, we love them, we love them, we love them-_

“Why didn’t you just say that the choreographer had slapped you when she asked about the redness?” Dongho steps forward and breaks his reverie with his own words. Duty hisses the word and it’s a knee-jerk reaction to just follow.

_Lie._

“‘Cause if I did say that then we’d have to delay shooting so she could scold him and I want to go to bed,” Wyld smiles beatifically. Dongho snorts and ruffles his hair.

“You’d better put some ice on it when we get back to the dorm.”

“Yes!” Minsoo jumps in. “And if you don’t, I’ll kick your ass! You hear me?”

Love swells with so much heat in his chest he can almost feel it burst. It’s a mantra that makes his heart practically swell.

_They love us, they love us, they love us, they love us, they love us-_

Jaewon smiles widely.

“I will, I will! I promise.”

Then the cameras come out and Jaewon has to disappear. 

_Glide, extend, spin, kneel._

(Jaewon doesn’t return to the surface until the moment they get back to the dorms and Minsoo forces his sweaty body into a seat even as Daehyun half-heartedly complains about cleaning that off but just hands Minsoo the ice as Minsoo forcibly holds it to his face. Joy bubbles golden laughter from his chest. 

Dongho smiles at that until he sees the makeup leaking down his legs. Minsoo and Daehyun’s eyes follow Dongho’s. The moment shatters.

“Dibs on the first shower,” he breaks the moment.

Is it bad that he’s not sure if it’s Jaewon or Wyld who says it?

The water washes through his red hair. Still red, bloody and bright. He idly wonders what the others think of that. 

Want had wished for him to make it black again, like it could somehow absolve him of some sort of sin.

_Want is gone._

Right.

He robotically scrubs at himself, going through the motions. Even Duty can’t deny that Jaewon is utterly exhausted. It’s a relief that he doesn’t need to appear in a club now, or the scandal would be him collapsing in one.

 _Hey! Think happy thoughts!_ Joy’s interjection is all it takes to make him smile again. It gets buried in his pillow.)

Jaewon doesn’t dream of anything that night, but the same seven words echo in his brain even as his eyes shut tight.

_Glide, extend, spin, kneel._

_Do it again._

  
  



End file.
